Funny Josh Quotes & Sayings

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order — Josh Stern

He's just ... " I tried, wanting to say "sweet" or "caring" or "funny" - because they're all totally true. But instead, I said, "He's just a normal boy."
"Hmph," Macey scoffed. "I know lots of normal boys."
I looked at her. "I don't. — Ally Carter

In entertainment, I adore Ricky Gervais in 'Derek.' His performance is unbelievably charming, funny and poignant. In life, I adore my girlfriend. She is the most adorable person I have ever met - from her silly jokes to her cute teeth to her little drawings. — Josh Zuckerman

It gets worse. Josh tell her that he loves her. She says it back. He touches her. She touches him back. And then they're losing their virginity on the floor of her bedroom beside her pet rabbit, Isis.
A rabbit.
Josh literally lost his virginity in front of a metaphor for sex. — Stephanie Perkins

St. Clair gets a crush on Anna. He's torn between her and Ellie, and he spends so much time running between them that he hardly has time left for Josh. And the more time that Josh spends alone, the more he realizes how alone he actually is. All of his friends will be gone the next year. Josh grows increasingly antagonistic toward school, which makes Rashmi increasingly antagonistic toward him, which makes him increasingly antagonistic toward her. And she's upset because Elie dropped her as a friend, and Meredith is upset because now St. Clair likes two girls who aren't her, and Anna is upset because St. Clair is leading her on, and then St. Clair's mom gets cancer.
It's a freaking soap opera. — Stephanie Perkins

It's not hard to fail ... it's hard to accept you failed ... but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing — Josh Stern

Rwandans have a funny relationship with God, which they convey through a story that anyone can tell you: "God worked very hard for six days creating the heavens and the earth. But on the seventh day, he needed a break, so he picked Rwanda as the place to take a much needed sleep. God sleeps in Rwanda, then keeps busy at work everywhere else."
This story has two meanings: The negative take is that God is not in Rwanda to protect you or answer your prayers, that He comes here only to shut His eyes. The other interpretation of "God sleeps in Rwanda" is that the country is a mile up, cooler and more beautiful than any other place, and so, naturally, this would be where God comes when He is not punching the clock. His favorite place. It was the second interpretation that we needed to believe. — Josh Ruxin

Peter is ... adjusting. He's back in school, and he's doing quite well. I wish you could find it in your heart to forgive him."
"I've got this funny resentful streak about people who try to kill me. — Josh Lanyon

Dinner was a lonely affair. Funny how you could be surrounded by your family, your blood, and yet feel totally alone. Even with the sun shining on the sparkling shores of English Bay and Josh at my side, I felt like I was invisible, and in a dark, dark place. — Karina Halle

It was a good thing Ridge was mighty fond of Tug or he'd probably have killed him by now.
As it was, it had been touch and go for a little while that morning. But killing your lover on Christmas morning was so ... so ... heterosexual. — Josh Lanyon

She's in the Catskill," Shopie began, but Scathach reached over and pinched her hand. "Ouch!"
I just wanted to distract you," Scathach explained. "Don't even think about Black Annis. There are some names that should never be spoken aloud."
That like saying don't think of elephants, Josh said, "and then all you can think about is elephants."
Then let me give you something else to think about," Scathach said softly. "There are two police officers in the window staring at us. Don't look," she added urgently.
Too late. Josh turned to look and whatever crossed his face
shock, horror, guilt or fear
bought both officers racing into the cafe, one pulling his automatic from its holster, the other speaking urgently into his radio as he drew his baton. — Michael Scott

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator — Josh Stern

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society — Josh Stern

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service ... .that's no chocolate on the pillow — Josh Stern

He won't feel a fraction of what I do for you. You won't change his life. And you will always wonder about what could have been, always feel that funny little ache right here. He puts his hand over your heart. — Josh Lanyon

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months — Josh Stern

Treat me like a king and I'll treat you like a queen ... Treat me like a queen and off with your head — Josh Stern

Jake fried up the fish, cooked rice with garlic, cilantro and green onions. Someday he was going to make some woman a wonderful wife. — Josh Lanyon

I was surprised he didn't just spit the nails into the wood like Popeye the Sailor Man. — Josh Lanyon

You have to make a lot of sacrifices, and the main thing you have to sacrifice is your privacy. It's funny because when I was growing up, my daddy was and still is an insurance agent in our home town. He couldn't go anywhere without somebody recognizing him or needing something from him. — Josh Turner

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried — Josh Stern

I like gross generalizations ... I also like disgusting specifics! — Josh Stern

She waved, laughing, waiting for him to go zooming past her. Instead he slowed, then came to a stop right in front of her.
"What are you doing?" she demanded, as he put his foot on the asphalt. She pointed to the finish line, a scant hundred yards away. "Go."
People around them started screaming. Josh ignored them all.
He pulled off his glasses. "How you doing?"
"Josh! This isn't funny. Move." She glanced over his shoulder, knowing the other racers would appear at any second. "Just finish. You can win. Then we'll talk."
"We can talk now."
She shrieked. "No! I said I was wrong. I said I loved you. What more do you want?"
"You," he said. "For always."
"Yes, yes. You can have that. Now go. Cross the finish line. It's right there. Can't see it? Hurry."
"You'll marry me?"
The man next to her turned. "For God's sake, lady. Marry him already. — Susan Mallery

Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert — Josh Stern

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident — Josh Stern

My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other. — Josh Billings

I've done all the dumping, which is not a good thing. It's funny, because I married someone who has always done it as well. I believe I met my match. — Josh Holloway

Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows — Josh Stern

We've seen some insane signs: 'Is that a loaf of bread in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?' Funny stuff along those lines. Very original. One just said, 'I will do unspeakable things.' I thought that was very interesting - and mildly terrifying! — Josh Hutcherson

Blackouts can be fun if approached with the right mindset. You just can't sweat the fact that you've lost a small portion of your life for all eternity. Occasionally, little bubbles of memory will float up like surreal Mylar party balloons at unexpected times throughout the net day and start piecing together a colorful, if incomplete, version of reality. — Josh Kilmer-Purcell

That's the easiest job you can have in TV comedy, being the guy who just delivers the funny. — Josh McDermitt

It's funny, because '1600 Penn' was the first time I really started to read the reviews, because I am an executive producer and I wanted to see what people were enjoying and not enjoying as a means to an end, right? — Josh Gad

I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first — Josh Stern

Does it bother you when you see Daddy kissing Josh?" he asked.
Ty shook his head and made a funny face. "No, not really. I guess you really like him a lot."
"I do," Rex agreed. "I love Josh."
"I love Josh too, and so I don't care if you kiss him. But I thought boys only kissed girls."
Rex nodded. "Yeah, well, that's how it is most of the time, but you know some boys kiss other boys and some girls kiss other girls."
"Well, I don't wanna kiss no girls!" Ty said emphatically.
Rex and Josh both laughed. "Maybe someday you will, though. If you do, that's fine, and if you don't, that's fine too. For right now, you can just kiss Daddy." He leaned in and kissed Ty on the forehead. — Jeff Erno

I pull back. "I'm going to have to change my computer password."
"Oh yeah? To what?"
"I-love-Josh."
"4 eva, he replies."
"You cracked my password? — Sally Thorne

Right on time, sugar." Josh draped his arm around her shoulders and steered her through the lobby. "Traffic okay?"
"Yeah, except when that alien spaceship landed on I-90 and then all those crickets jumped out to perform Beethoven's Fifth on kazoos. Otherwise, clear sailing. — Jamie Farrell

Max's scarred brow crinkled. He reached for the coffee mug on his desk. "Motive is tricky. See, what might be a good reason for me to kill someone might not be a good enough reason for you to kill someone."
Swift stared at his hands loosely clasped around his ankle. "I wouldn't. Deliberately hurt anyone."
"And my impulse is to hurt anyone who hurts you." When Swift's gaze lifted to his, Max said, "See how that works?"
He did, and while it wasn't intended as a compliment, it did warm his heart in a funny way. He managed to joke, "Why, I think that's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me. — Josh Lanyon

Speaking of cupcakes, Will wants two dozen off your special menu to take on the road after the wedding."
"The, erm, peach kind?"
"The peach kind," Lindsey said.
"I like the peach kind," Josh said.
Mikey had named them Sex on a Peach. And they were Kimmie's second biggest seller, after the Hairy Dicks, which were coconut cake balls strategically placed with Dahlia's chocolate-covered, ice cream-filled bananas.
And Josh's frown had disappeared, and now he was grinning as if he knew it.
All of it. — Jamie Farrell

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working — Josh Stern

According to the fortune-cookie logic most people live by, the best things in life are free. That's crap. I have a gold-plated robot that scratches the exact part of my back where my hands can't reach, and it certainly wasn't free. — Josh Lieb

it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong — Josh Stern

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything ... .but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco — Josh Stern

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels ... — Josh Stern

Nathan kept trying to reassure him. "It doesn't have to mean anything. Not to you. You can forget it, if you'd rather."
Matt listened to Nathan's heartbeat, fast and light like a deer flashing through sunshine and shadow. "Listen, Nathan ... "
Nathan was silent, but Matt could feel the immediate tension down his spine.
"I loved Rachel with all my heart. You're right, nothing changes that. But - I never wanted her the way I want you."
Nathan slid out from under him, rolled over. His face was different, grave but sort of lit from within in a way that gave Matt a funny pain in his chest. — Josh Lanyon

Dear Josh, we stopped by to fuck you but you didn't answer the door. Therefore you are gay.
Sincerely, Tiffany and Amber. — Daniel Clowes

There's a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it'll drive you insane or to genius — Josh Stern

Naomi's my girlfriend," I say aloud, just to test the words, see how they feel fucking across my lips. Ronnie flips a page in an old copy of Rollin' Strong magazine and ignores me.
"Yeah, we heard. Sixteen times since we came in here," Josh bitches. — C.M. Stunich

Come Hell or High Water usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub — Josh Stern

You know, If you weren't tiny, cute and remarkably innocent looking I'd be running away right now. This feels like the set-up to some torture porn. — Stephanie Perkins

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. — Josh Billings

Josh squeezed her arm. "I'll behave," he murmured. "For now."
She's going to pickle your cucumbers."
"He has more than one?" Natalie whispered.
"That's between me and Kimmie," Josh replied. — Jamie Farrell

It's funny, but we were living on this small island off the coast of Charleston, South Carolina when I was 9. — Josh Lucas

If you see the light at the end
of the tunnel, you're looking
through binoculars the wrong
way — Josh Stern

Nobody wants to know what I'm doing 24 hours a day, they'd be painfully bored, trust me. At the same time, if I'm doing something interesting or funny, I like being able to share that with my fans. — Josh Duhamel

Laura's problem was that she kept casting men in roles they weren't suited for. Like lovely Josh, casting him in the role of decent, kind house-husband, the perfect partner, the modern male, when - what was it that she'd actually loved about him, really? Laura tried to think, and couldn't come up with an answer. He was a great man - kind, funny, clever, hard working - but there was no way he was the man for her, she realised now. Why hadn't she seen it? — Harriet Evans

You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. — Josh Billings

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs — Josh Stern

Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle — Josh Stern

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends — Josh Stern

Don't you wish we all lived in black light ... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it — Josh Stern

It's funny because 'The Book of Mormon' is 'The Book of Mormon' now. When I was doing it at the very beginning, and I was a part of it for four years and always believed in it, I never really knew if it was going to be more than a convention for 'South Park' fans. — Josh Gad

We have North Shore, Hawaii and Lost all there, so they have softball tournaments between the casts. It's hilarious. — Josh Holloway

A pause followed my greeting. Then "We're watching you " whispered the voice on the other end.
"Yeah? Did you see what I did with my keys? "
Silence. Then dial tone.
These younger demons. So easily discouraged. — Josh Lanyon

K, boys, it's shirts against skins. Lose 'em," Lucy said, pointing to the guys and ignoring Thad.
"I beg your pardon?" Thad said, aghast.
"Why do we have to be skins?" Josh complained.
Lucy looked at Erin and they both shrugged and grabbed the hems of their shirts, preparing to haul them over their heads.
"Whoa!" Sable said, covering his eyes immediately.
"Wait," Josh, Angelo, and Thad said at the same time.
"Hell, yeah," Blaze chimed in.
The girls stopped right before they fully exposed their chest. "What? You guys act like none of you have ever seen a pair of boobs in a bra before. Josh saw mine a few hours ago and I know, for a fact, that three of you have seen hers outside the bra." Lucy looked pointedly at Thad, Blaze, and Angelo.
Erin's head snapped in Josh's direction. "JOSH!" she screeched, accidentally letting loose a snap of electricity. — Christine James

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. — Josh Billings

Ever play 'mirror mirror on the wall' with two mirrors facing each other? — Josh Stern