Funny Ghost Quotes & Sayings

I think so," she [Claire] said. "Just watch your back, okay?"
"Nah, Michael's got mine." He [Shane] looked straight into her eyes.
"I've got yours. — Rachel Caine

What we've got here is a lunatic genius ghost-in-the-computer monorail that likes riddles and goes faster than the speed of sound. Welcome to the fantasy version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. — Stephen King

No, little one, George's ghost won't come back. Human beings don't have souls. No soul, no ghost. Simple."
"How can you say that?" protested Mopple. "We don't know whether humans have souls or not."
"Every lamb knows that your soul is in your sense of smell. And human beings don't have very good noses." Maude herself had an excellent sense of smell, and often thought about the problem of souls and noses.
"So you'd only see a very small ghost. Nothing to be afraid of. — Leonie Swann

I'm apologizing. For whatever I did. For whatever the guy who hurt you did. For the JFK assassination or the botched moon landing. Take your pick." ~Cain, Ghost of You — Kelly Moran

You know, I've always wrote my best stuff when it takes me hardly any time at all. Actually I wrote ... this is actually a really funny story ... 'Ghost Of Vincent Price', I've been wanting to write a song about Vincent Price coz he's one of my favorite characters of all time. — Wednesday 13

Why do any of us act the way we do? Is it our beliefs or our biology that shapes us? Lauren Grodstein considers this eternal question through the story of Andrew Waite, scientist, father, widower, struggling to raise two daughters, living with the ghost of his wife, facing a test of his faith in science. There are no easy answers here, just the honest complexity of human beings trying their best to be good people. The Explanation for Everything is moving, beautiful, and wonderfully funny. — Victor LaValle

The people who are scared of ghosts are the ones who discuss most about them. — Abhishek Krishnan

I've played a ghost, cat, snake. I've been funny, sad. I've been filmed flying on screen. So why not spend time on something else? I don't need to accept everything I'm offered. — Maggie Cheung

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year. — Derek The Ghost

Setne laughed. "Nice try, dol. You guys sit tight. If you make it through the big shake-up, I'll come
back and get you. Maybe you can be my jesters or something. You two crack me up! But in the
meantime, I'm afraid we're done here. No miracle's gonna drop from the sky and save you."
A rectangle of darkness appeared in the air just above the ghost's head. Sadie dropped out of it.
I'll say this for my sister: she has great timing, and she's quick on the draw. She crashed into the ghost
and sent him sprawling. — Rick Riordan

I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit! — Sharon Swan

Aaron: Dude, one thing the guy said is you don't taunt voodoo.
Zak: Am I taunting?
Aaron: Dude, you're taunting the crap out of it!
Zak: I am sorry, I am not taunting you I am just talking ... Talking loudly. — Zak Bagans

It would be a really bad idea to let this person loose."

"How bad of an idea?"

"Kicking-Hitler-out-of-art-school bad. — Rin Chupeco

It's funny, really: the older you get, the more you know about the world. The synapses in your brain fire at a higher level and quicker function, your knowledge expands. But you lose part of yourself, that part able to imagine great armies that wait for nothing more than your command; the dragon that hides under your bed that only you can see, its long emerald tail flashing in the darkness; the ghost that lives in your attic that only moans at 3:23 in the morning. When you lose that innocence, the world's hues become dark and muted, and you know that dragons aren't real. There is no army. There is no ghost in the attic. But when you're nine? When you're nine, it's all probable, it's all realistic, and even more so, it's all true. — T.J. Klune

Claire said. "I might be able to get him to stop."
"Who, crazy dude? Maybe. Or he might pull your head off," Shane said. "I kind of worry."
She couldn't help but smile. "Yeah?"
"A little bit."
"That's ... nice."
He studied her, and returned the smile. "Yeah," he said. "Kind of is, actually. — Rachel Caine

He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard,
then pulled his hand back with a snap.
"Ah," he said. "Must deactivate the security ... Turn around, please."
"What?"
"Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!"
"You have GOT to be kidding."
"Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn. — Rachel Caine

Mr. Jackaby, really! Jenny isn't some scientific oddity--she's your friend!"
Jackaby raised an eyebrow. "In point of fact, Miss Rook, she's both, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. All exceptional people are, by definition, exceptions to the norm. If we insist on being ordinary, we can never be truly extraordinary."
"That is a very well-rehearsed and eloquent excuse for being an absolute brute to a sad, sweet woman. — William Ritter

He is funny," a nymph ventured.
"And cute, in a scrawny way," another said.
"Scrawny?" Leo asked. "Baby, I invented scrawny. Scrawny is the new sizzling hot . And I GOT the scrawny. Narcissus? He's such a loser even the Underworld didn't want him. He couldn't get the ghost girls to date him."
"Eww," said a nymph.
"Eww!" Echo agreed. — Rick Riordan

I never meant it," he was saying.
"Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it,
seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something ... What do I do? What can I do ... ? — Rachel Caine

My friends tell me I am strong, decisive, and wise. What a joke. Where is my strength tonight? Where is my wisdom? Ironically, they tell me I am 'so open'. Me, who has so many secrets that I have never shared. The irony would be funny if it wasn't so sad. Their blindness to my true self makes me feel invisible. Not in the way that a spirit or ghost is invisible, for I am most definitely flesh, blood, sinew, and bone. I even have a mind that works nimble and fast, and a mouth that speaks reasonably eloquently, when I feel I have something worthwhile to say. No, I'm invisible because the people who populate my life either do not, or cannot, see the real me. Of course, that is but another irony. I know much of my invisibility is of my own doing, and that is the last joke on myself: that which I seek is also that which I fear. — Lily Velden

Analysis is soul of thought and ghost of wit. — Raheel Farooq

Yes," he said. "I am sure. I double-checked everything after you went home yesterday.
I even made a few improvements, just in case."
The first part of that reassured her. The second part ... not so much.
"What kind of improvements?"
"Oh, nothing, really. Mostly just streamlining. You really did very well; I certainly don't want you to think that I am one of those people who has to be in control all the- Oh, well, I suppose that's actually true- I do have to be in control all the time. But only because I am in charge, of course. — Rachel Caine

Promise me, Amelie, that you'll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love."
"I hardly think there's any chance of that," Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity. — Rachel Caine

I heard the car door shut and then Fabian's voice. "You won't believe what I found around the edge of your property," the ghost announced. "A cave with prehistoric painting inside it!" I rolled my eyes. That was the best tactic Fabian could come up with? This was a vampire he was trying to stall, not a paleontologist. — Jeaniene Frost

Personally I wasn't one but surprised to walk into that theater and see Jo O'Connor's ghost. I knew as soon as I put my hand on the door handle that something funny was going on. I got all sort of lightheaded."
Probably the blood trying to find its way through the labyrinth of your brain. — Cameron Dokey

Oliver laughed - actually laughed."I like this new Claire," he said.
"You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin.
She's interesting when she's forthright."
Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps. — Rachel Caine

He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?"
"Like what?"
"Like hitting on you."
"Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way."
Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.
"What? You think he does?"
"Sometimes he looks at you a little ... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood."
"Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?"
"Not enough coffee. — Rachel Caine

So,if it's all love or money, which is Alex Bainbridge?"
I blinked at him. "What?"
"He's a turd, Ella. He looked right through you like you were a ghost, but you still have a thing for him."
"I do n-"
"Don't even. You've gone through the whole week watching for him. So what is it? I would really like to know. Love or money?"
"I have not been watching for him!" I snapped. Oh, but I had, in every hallway, at lunch, when I took my seat at the edge of English class. "And if I have, it's just so I can look away first."
Frankie rolled his eyes. "Shall I get you a pail of water?"
"Why?"
"Your pants are on fire."
I actually looked down at my lap. "Oh, very funny." I shot Sadie a look when she giggled. — Melissa Jensen

You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab.
"Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it! — Rachel Caine

Grandfather, there's something we want to talk to you about."
Grandfather looked concerned. "There's nothing wrong, is there?"
"It's about the Roth house," Benny said. "It's a funny house."
"Funny?" Grandfather asked.
"Well," Violet began. "Benny is right. There are funny things in the house and funny people outside the house."

The Mystery of the Singing Ghost — Gertrude Chandler Warner

Here," Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. "Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone." He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the screwdriver from Claire's numbed fingers, and fastened it with a couple of deft, fast movements. "I'll be your hands."
She wanted to cry, because it was so sweet, but it wouldn't do any good. — Rachel Caine

Fuck you."
"Promise? — Carole Cummings

Amelie said, "I won't be your servant in Morganville. Nor should you be mine. Equals." She offered her hand to him, and he looked down at it, clearly taken aback. But he took it. "Now defend what is ours, my partner."
He grinned ... grinned! ... and whirled to meet Myrnin in midleap as Myrnin attacked. — Rachel Caine

Well, friend, I don't know about your tastes, but I tend to like it very bloody," Myrnin said. He shifted position, dragging Claire along like a rag doll without any effort at all. "Have we been introduced?"
"Probably not. Why, are you asking me out, sweetheart?"
"You're not my type, darling. Is this one yours?"
"No," Frank said, and looked at Shane, just in a quick flicker. "Let's say she's a friend of the family. — Rachel Caine

You can find something funny in anything! I'm sick as a dog and falling to bits, but I'll give up joking only after I give up the ghost! my last gasp! The proof, here, with only an eighth of a glimmer of light, things oozing out of my asshole, my armpits, and the elbows, too, blood coming out of the eyes, from the soupy mess of my grave, me whistling a tune, that's what you'll hear! A regular blackbird! — Louis-Ferdinand Celine

She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not ... you know, better."
"Define BETTER with that guy."
"Not all fangs and raaaaar. — Rachel Caine

Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her.
She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck ... but it was just a hug.
His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. "You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you," he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. "Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead."
Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich. — Rachel Caine

It's a funny thing because it's what the people say when they come across a ghost situation is that it does freak you out, but then you do get over it - for some reason you're not scared to come across it again. — Rhys Darby

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost. — Kristen Schaal

I'm going away anyway. I am. Do you hear me? I may be ugly and clumsy, but one thing I am not, I'm not retarded. I may be ugly and clumsy, but one thing I am not, I'm not retarded. There's nothing wrong with my brain. Do you know what the Teacher Ghosts say about me? They tell me I'm smart, and I can win scholarships. I can get into colleges. I've already applied. I'm smart. I can do all sorts of things. I know how to get A's, and they say I could be a scientist or a mathematician if I want. I can make a living and take care of myself. So you don't have to find me a keeper who's too dumb to know a bad bargain. I'm so smart, if they say write ten pages, I can write fifteen. I can do ghost things even better than ghosts can. Not everyone thinks I'm nothing. I am not going to be a slave or a wife. Even if I am stupid and talk funny amd get sick, I won't let you turn me into a slave or a wife. I'm getting out of here. I can't stand living here anyore. It's your fault I talk weird. — Maxine Hong Kingston

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it. — Mitch Hedberg

Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say,
Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that. — Rachel Caine

What the hell kind of Hell was this supposed to be? — Jim Butcher

I'm faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I'm a vampire," Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. "If you get in trouble, I'll be there."
"Nice," Shane said. "I'm warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey."
"No, you're not."
"Okay, no, I'm not, but right now let's pretend I am. — Rachel Caine

Bite me, Goth princess," Shane called from the back. "Not literally or anything."
"Maybe you should say that to Michael."
"Not funny, Eve," Michael said.
Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. "Little bit," she said. — Rachel Caine

Lee, I'm not good enough for him."
"Now, what do you mean by that?"
"I'm not being funny. He doesn't think about me. He's made someone up, and it's like he put my skin on her. I'm not like that - not like the made-up one."
"What's she like?"
"Pure!" said Abra. "Just absolutely pure. Nothing but pure - never a bad thing. I'm not like that."
"Nobody is," said Lee.
"He doesn't know me. He doesn't even want to know me. He wants that - white - ghost. — John Steinbeck

Jesper knocked his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. 'Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I'm going to get Wylan's ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost. — Leigh Bardugo

How'd you get to be so good at this?"
"I had a good teacher."
"Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass."
"I mean you, dummy."
"Oh. — Rachel Caine

It took a long time, but my heart now feels full when I think of him. When you fall in love again - which I have - it's funny the other things that come back in with that open-ness. You have this ghost chorus of the lovers who came before, but they're benign now, they're good spirits. — Emma Forrest