Famous Quotes & Sayings

Funny Funny Quotes & Sayings

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Top Funny Funny Quotes

Funny Funny Quotes By J.D. Salinger

Oh, God, if I'm anything by a clinical name, I'm a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I think people are plotting to make me happy. — J.D. Salinger

Funny Funny Quotes By Karl Pilkington

It's just hassle of having friends and family an' that. — Karl Pilkington

Funny Funny Quotes By Laurence J. Peter

Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively. — Laurence J. Peter

Funny Funny Quotes By John Green

You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality! — John Green

Funny Funny Quotes By Steve Coogan

You really have got lots of issues! Yeah, of 'What Car Magazine'! — Steve Coogan

Funny Funny Quotes By Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. — Henny Youngman

Funny Funny Quotes By Rick Riordan

I wondered if I should start a small fire in Percy Jackson's sink, perhaps burn some bandages in thanks, but I decided that might strain that Jackson's hospitality. — Rick Riordan

Funny Funny Quotes By Karen MacInerney

I have a secret. A big, fat, hairy secret. And I'm not talking minor-league stuff, like I once let Joseph Applebaum feel me up behind the seventh-grade stairwell or I got a Brazilian wax after work last Friday or I'm hiding a neon blue vibrator called the Electric Slide in my night table. Which I'm not, by the way. In case you were wondering. — Karen MacInerney

Funny Funny Quotes By Mark Forsyth

A ham sandwich is better than nothing. Nothing is better than eternal happiness. So eternal happiness is beaten by a ham sandwich. — Mark Forsyth

Funny Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want ... — Kristen Schaal

Funny Funny Quotes By Bernie Mac

I'm funny. I'm a comedian. I'm not a clown. — Bernie Mac

Funny Funny Quotes By Maggie Stiefvater

From Ronan's room, he heard Noah's laugh. He and Ronan were throwing various objects from the second-story window to the parking low below. There was a terrific crash.
Ronan's voice rose, exasperated. Not that one, Noah. — Maggie Stiefvater

Funny Funny Quotes By Dianna Agron

What I fell in love with as a child was 'My Fair Lady,' 'Funny Face,' 'American in Paris,' and 'Singin' in the Rain.' Just perfect movies to me and I was dancing. I started ballet when I was three. And I fell in love with those movies and fell in love with Audrey Hepburn and Leslie Caron. — Dianna Agron

Funny Funny Quotes By Louise Welsh

It's always struck me as funny that guys with scars get a reputation for being hard. It's the ones that cut them you should be looking out for, right? — Louise Welsh

Funny Funny Quotes By Julian Mitchell

Freud is all nonsense; the secret of neurosis is to be found in the family battle of wills to see who can refuse the longest to help with the dishes. — Julian Mitchell

Funny Funny Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock." — Mitch Hedberg

Funny Funny Quotes By Jerry Coleman

The ballgame is over ... in this inning. — Jerry Coleman

Funny Funny Quotes By Martin Freeman

Why does everyone have to pretend to be stupid and not know long words? — Martin Freeman

Funny Funny Quotes By Rick Riordan

She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts. — Rick Riordan

Funny Funny Quotes By Tim Meadows

Not everybody agrees on what's funny, obviously. — Tim Meadows

Funny Funny Quotes By Jesse Ball

I hate when I break my own rules. What's the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown? — Jesse Ball

Funny Funny Quotes By Marc Maron

I was married once before, and I stopped. — Marc Maron

Funny Funny Quotes By Sam Ewing

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame. — Sam Ewing

Funny Funny Quotes By Heather Cocks

I hung up the phone and tapped it lightly against my chin, then wrapped myself tighter in my giant woolen cardigan and poured another glass of boxed wine - the official drink of emotionally confused women on a budget. — Heather Cocks

Funny Funny Quotes By Jim Butcher

He was wrong, that doesn't make him a villian. That makes him an asshole. — Jim Butcher

Funny Funny Quotes By Richie Benaud

Rory Bremner I have no problem with; he is a satirist, and a very funny one, too. — Richie Benaud

Funny Funny Quotes By Maggie Shayne

Then, almost as an afterthought, she turned and locked the bathroom door. If he thought he was going to seduce her, make her stupid enough to believe his lies by getting her into bed, he'd better think again. She stepped into the water. Besides, women didn't lose brain cells at the thought of sex. Only men did. — Maggie Shayne

Funny Funny Quotes By Jane Harvey-Berrick

Now that's a sight for sore eyes, Sebastian. Maybe I should just leave you here: the hotel maids might appreciate that. Or, better still, maybe I'll take a photograph of you on my phone. Dont worry, I wont post it on the internet, it'll just be my screen saver. — Jane Harvey-Berrick

Funny Funny Quotes By Matshona Dhliwayo

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists. — Matshona Dhliwayo

Funny Funny Quotes By Jenny Han

Screw you! You're a crappy best friend!!! — Jenny Han

Funny Funny Quotes By Bob Feller

You figure they cheat at the ballpark, they'll cheat on the golf course, they'll cheat in business, and anything else in life. Players may laugh about it and say it's funny, but right down in their heart, they don't think it's funny at all, and they have no respect for a person who cheats. — Bob Feller

Funny Funny Quotes By Derek Landy

The Doctor put his finger to his lips and Martha nodded and followed him as quietly as she could. Wet leaves squelched under her feet. There was movement up ahead: two teenagers, a pale boy and a nervous girl, walked into a clearing. The sun broke through the clouds and the boy started to sparkle.
Martha felt the Doctor's eyes on her and she blushed. 'Do not judge me.'
'Judging is for later,' he said, and they continued on, giving the young lovers a wide berth. — Derek Landy

Funny Funny Quotes By N.K. Jemisin

Funny thing, employment. If you keep doing it, you keep getting paid. — N.K. Jemisin

Funny Funny Quotes By Gideon Defoe

Don't look so worried. I've sailed the seven seas, and I've never had an unsuccessful adventure yet!"
"Really? You've sailed all seven seas?" asked Darwin admiringly.
"Every last one!"
"What are the seven seas? I've always wondered."
"Aaarrr. Well, let's see ... " said the Pirate Captain, scratching his craggy forehead. "There's the North Sea. And that other one, the one near Mozambique. And ... what's that one in Hyde Park?"
"The Serpentine?"
"That's the one. How many's that then? Three. Um. There's the sea with all the rocks in it ... I think they call it Sea Number Four. Then that would leave ... uh ... Grumpy and Sneezy ... "
Darwin was starting to look a little less impressed.
"Would you look at that big seagull!" said the Pirate Captain, quickly ducking into a beach hut. — Gideon Defoe

Funny Funny Quotes By Ellen DeGeneres

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.' — Ellen DeGeneres

Funny Funny Quotes By Matthew Perry

To me, writing is remembering something funny that happened, or maybe something I said seven years ago. — Matthew Perry

Funny Funny Quotes By Darynda Jones

I could've knocked the shit out of her .She'd have good reason to roll her eyes then. But knocking the shit out of rude people wasn't my style. Heckling them every chance I got was.
Hopefully she'd screw up soon. I didn't have all day. — Darynda Jones

Funny Funny Quotes By J.R. Ward

From out of nowhere, she had an image of some poor human in a FedEx Office branch getting an eyeful and a half of the mostly naked fallen angel.
Without warning, she started to laugh so hard, tears came to her eyes. The good kind of tears, that was.
And as she gave herself up to the angel's ridiculousness, Lass just say there on the couch, staring up at "Melrose Place", a sly, quiet smile on his beautiful, deranged face.
What an angel he was, she thought to herself. A total angel. — J.R. Ward

Funny Funny Quotes By Anthony Burgess

It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you watch them on a screen. — Anthony Burgess

Funny Funny Quotes By Mekhi Phifer

I don't really like hospitals that much. People are sick; sometimes it can be depressing. There's people going through a lot of pain in there. It has that funny smell. — Mekhi Phifer

Funny Funny Quotes By Grace Paley

I saw my ex-husband in the street. I was sitting on the steps of the new library.
Hello, my life, I said. We had once been married for twenty-seven years, so I felt justified.
He said, What? What life? No life of mine. — Grace Paley

Funny Funny Quotes By Rachel Caine

Well," he said, "I think we've found our way in. We just wait until they're duking it out, but trust me, these Humans First types don't have a lot of staying power or they'd have been at the gym with me before. I doubt Grandma Kent there is going to do a lot of damage." He pointed at a gray-haired, hunched lady in a shawl, carrying what looked liked a gardening tool. "It's like Plants Versus Zombies, and I'm not rooting for the zombies, weirdly enough. — Rachel Caine

Funny Funny Quotes By Rose Wynters

There's no way that you're real, she murmured to his crotch. — Rose Wynters

Funny Funny Quotes By Cynthia Hand

It's been nice knowing you, Clara,
Huh? My brain still a bit shell-shocked.
Say a prayer for me, will you? He gives me a shaky grin.
Because I'm pretty sure my parents are going to kill me — Cynthia Hand

Funny Funny Quotes By C. Alexander London

Hey, Eriele?" he said. "You know what's funny?... You're so busy yelling at Ian," Dan said, "you didn't notice our altitude. Time to change the gas mixture. — C. Alexander London

Funny Funny Quotes By Dominique Frost

Okay. Oh-kay.
Re-cap. He just had a man come in his mouth. He liked it. He may be embarking on anal sex, soon, if he was reading the subtext right.
Options: stay or leave.
Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex.
Cons of staying: first experience with anal sex.
No, no. That isn't right.
Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex.
Cons of staying: not being able to face Pete the next day. Maybe ever.
The thing about sex, though, as Ryan is discovering, is that it's a goddamn persuasive motivator. It fucks with people's minds. — Dominique Frost

Funny Funny Quotes By Manny Montana

A lot of people that are always trying to be funny and "on" and performing are just hiding. It's just a cover for what they really are and how they really feel. — Manny Montana

Funny Funny Quotes By Tui T. Sutherland

I really think I'd be better at, like, advanced napping techniques. — Tui T. Sutherland

Funny Funny Quotes By Robert Louis Stevenson

If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police. — Robert Louis Stevenson

Funny Funny Quotes By Terry Pratchett

Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir,' said Carrot
'What, in Ankh-Morpork?'
'Yes, sir.'
'We should have grabbed him, then, just for the rarity value — Terry Pratchett

Funny Funny Quotes By Alan Vega

That's something - you laugh about Eminem ... It's funny, man, because I didn't like him when he first came out, ya know. It seemed like a big joke. But I think the guy's for real, and I like his lyrics! — Alan Vega

Funny Funny Quotes By Henry Miller

The other night I took her on-out of pity-and what do you think the crazy bitch had done to herself? She had shaved it clean ... not a speck of hair on it. Did you ever have a woman who shaved her twat? It's repulsive, ain't it? And it's funny, too. Sort of mad like. It doesn't look like a twat any more: it's like a dead clam or something." He describes to me how, his curiosity aroused, he got out of bed and searched for his flashlight. "I made her hold it open and I trained the flashlight on it. You should have seen me ... it was comical. I got so worked up about it that I forgot all about her. I never in my life looked at a cunt so seriously. — Henry Miller

Funny Funny Quotes By Dara O Briain

I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich. — Dara O Briain

Funny Funny Quotes By Kate Bush

Gene Wilder is so funny. — Kate Bush

Funny Funny Quotes By Annalee Newitz

Amphibians are dying out like crazy, and frogs and salamanders may be largely extinct by the end of the twenty-first century. Imagine an animal that begins its life in the water, but ends it on land - already, that's pretty weird. But, also, a lot of them are incredibly tiny and look wildly improbable. They have funny little toes, they stretch their throats into weird bubble shapes when they croak, and some of them are poisonous to the touch. I think kids from the twenty-second century might mythologize amphibians the way kids today mythologize dinosaurs. — Annalee Newitz

Funny Funny Quotes By Richard Bartle

[When asked what he wants for his tombstone epitaph]
Since I'm an atheist, and have no belief whatsoever in life after death, I couldn't care less
it's not like it'll have any impact on me, since by definition I will be completely extinguished. I guess if someone twisted my arm and forced me to provide an epitaph, it would be 'Don't forget.' Sound advice ... — Richard Bartle

Funny Funny Quotes By Murray Walker

The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick. — Murray Walker

Funny Funny Quotes By Christian Louboutin

I was born in Paris in the mid-1960s, and by the time I was 12 I had started going to the movies by myself. Most of the movies of that period never appealed to me. I didn't like the 'naturalism,' the sad or the 'down-to-earth' characters. What I wanted from film was fantasy, dreams, funny situations, extravagant decor - and beautiful women. — Christian Louboutin

Funny Funny Quotes By Murray Walker

Michael Schumacher is leading Michael Schumacher. — Murray Walker

Funny Funny Quotes By Cindy Roland Anderson

You have no need to worry about me being attracted to you." She moistened her lips. "Because I'm not."

Oh yeah? Well, then he wasn't attracted to her either. "Fantastic. I'm still not taking you. — Cindy Roland Anderson

Funny Funny Quotes By Dashiell Hammett

What do people think about my staying with Harrison with him chasing everything that's hot and hollow? — Dashiell Hammett

Funny Funny Quotes By Neal Stephenson

He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice. — Neal Stephenson

Funny Funny Quotes By David Foster Wallace

When they were introduced, he made a witticism, hoping to be liked. She laughed extremely hard, hoping to be liked. Then each drove home alone, staring straight ahead, with the very same twist to their faces.
The man who'd introduced them didn't much like either of them, though he acted as if he did, anxious as he was to preserve good relations at all times. One never knew, after all, now did one now did one now did one. — David Foster Wallace

Funny Funny Quotes By Steve Pavlina

It's funny that when people reach a certain age, such as after graduating college, they assume it's time to go out and get a job. But like many things the masses do, just because everyone does it doesn't mean it's a good idea. — Steve Pavlina

Funny Funny Quotes By Daniel Dennett

We adore babies because they're so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why. — Daniel Dennett

Funny Funny Quotes By Courtney C. Stevens

Funny how people value eyes, when really, their colors are super limited. I doubt anyone would enjoy a new box of crayons if they came only in eye-color shades. — Courtney C. Stevens

Funny Funny Quotes By Nicola Marsh

All pomp and show." Anjali's glare at the house would've exploded bricks if she'd had superhuman powers. "A fat cow needs a big barn. — Nicola Marsh

Funny Funny Quotes By Hugh Howey

I remind myself that if there was anything in the air that would react with my body, it would've reacted with the scanner. What I really want right now is a second scanner to scan this scanner. — Hugh Howey

Funny Funny Quotes By Lisa McMann

So what, then? Pete? Clyde?"
Cabel rolls over, pretending to sleep.
"It's Fred, isn't it?"
"Janie. Stop."
"You named your thing Janie?" She giggles.
Cabel groans deeply. "Go to sleep. — Lisa McMann

Funny Funny Quotes By Lewis Black

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week. — Lewis Black

Funny Funny Quotes By David Mitchell

Contrary to popular wisdom, bullies are rarely cowards.
Bullies come in various shapes and sizes. Observe yours. Gather intelligence.
Shunning one hopeless battle is not an act of cowardice.
Hankering for security or popularity makes you weak and vulnerable.
Which is worse: Scorn earned by informers? Misery endured by victims?
The brutal May have been molded by a brutality you cannot exceed.
Let guile be your ally.
Respect earned by integrity cannot be lost without your consent.
Don't laugh at what you don't find funny.
Don't support an opinion you don't hold.
The independent befriend the independent.
Adolescence dies in its fourth year. You live to be eighty. — David Mitchell

Funny Funny Quotes By George Carlin

Life is a near-death experience. — George Carlin

Funny Funny Quotes By Kevin Meaney

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money. — Kevin Meaney

Funny Funny Quotes By Ken Follett

Such disappointments, betrayals and reconciliations were the stuff of married life, but she and Jack had gone through them before the wedding. Now, at least, she felt confident that she knew him. Nothing was likely to surprise her. It was a funny way to do things, but it might be better than making your vows first and getting to know your spouse afterward. — Ken Follett

Funny Funny Quotes By Greg Walloch

Never try to be funny right before people are about to masturbate. — Greg Walloch

Funny Funny Quotes By Gil Evans

Bob Moses, composer, drummer, poet, artist, conceptualizer, inspirer of people, has created a musical environment that is balanced between discipline and freedom, compositional design and spontaneous inspiration. A party with a purpose. This album is original, soulful, funny and very special. I hope a lot of people get as much enjoyment from it as I have. — Gil Evans

Funny Funny Quotes By Sherrilyn Kenyon

Life before toilet paper was not worth living. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Funny Funny Quotes By Lefty Gomez

A lot of things run through your head when you're going in to relieve in a tight spot. One of them was, "Should I spike myself?" — Lefty Gomez

Funny Funny Quotes By Ted Alexandro

If you're funny, you can find a stage to get on. If you're good, you'll start to get work and eventually get paid. — Ted Alexandro

Funny Funny Quotes By Si Robertson

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55." -Sadie Robertson
"Oh, that's just a suggestion. — Si Robertson

Funny Funny Quotes By Markus Zusak

As always, she was carrying the washing. Rudy was carrying two buckets of cold water, or as he put it, two buckets of future ice. — Markus Zusak

Funny Funny Quotes By Maria V. Snyder

The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet. — Maria V. Snyder

Funny Funny Quotes By TBBishiXO

You there, you look like a well-rounded lady, oh yes, and I mean well-rounded — TBBishiXO

Funny Funny Quotes By Dan Ariely

One fall day in Boston, a tall mechanical engineering student named Joe entered the student union at Harvard University. He was all ambition and acne — Dan Ariely

Funny Funny Quotes By Henny Youngman

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo. — Henny Youngman

Funny Funny Quotes By Frankie Boyle

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up! — Frankie Boyle

Funny Funny Quotes By Mitchell Hurwitz

I always feel funny when I don't reveal things, especially to you [the press], who have supported us so much and are really the big reason we're here. But, we hold back information about the plot because we want to reward the fans for sticking with us, and that's so much fun. That's the funnest part of it. — Mitchell Hurwitz

Funny Funny Quotes By Shannon L. Alder

Often the inspiration to write music comes from the voices in your head. You're not crazy. Just be thankful they are not making you rescue people in 20-degree weather at 2:30 in the morning in the forest. — Shannon L. Alder

Funny Funny Quotes By John McPhee

When D's cabin caught fire, D was out of the country. Half the town-Christians and drinkers alike-came out to fight the fire and loot the cabin. There were individual piles of loot, and fights over the piles. "That's my pile." "The hell it is, it's mine. — John McPhee

Funny Funny Quotes By Mark Dunn

Instead of the calendrical terms Monday, Tuesday and so forth, we cheerfully offer the following surrogates. Use them freely and often, for their use honors us all. For Sunday, please use Sunshine. For Monday. pleasy use Monty. For Tuesday, please use Toes. For Wednesday, please use Wetty. For Thursday, please use Thurby. For Friday, please use Fribs. For Saturday, please use Satto-gatto. — Mark Dunn

Funny Funny Quotes By Bill Watterson

It's a funny world, Hobbes."
"True."
"But it's not a hilarious world. ... unless you like sick humour."
"The world is probably funnier to people who don't live here. — Bill Watterson

Funny Funny Quotes By Rodney Dangerfield

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles — Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Funny Quotes By Priyanka Naik

Memories are weird. They never really leave you alone, no matter how much you try, and the funny part is--the more you try, the more they haunt you. The more you want to run away, the faster they seem to catch up, and then there comes a time when you are convinced that you have finally managed to leave them behind and move on. You rejoice. You celebrate. You have exorcised the ghosts of the past--you feel liberated, UNTIL one fine day, some old memory creeps up slowly from behind and taps you on your shoulder just to say "Hi. How's it going so far?". That is when everything comes rushing in, and you realize that maybe, just maybe, it had never really gone away. — Priyanka Naik

Funny Funny Quotes By Tui T. Sutherland

All right, I'll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness. — Tui T. Sutherland

Funny Funny Quotes By Lemony Snicket

Well, Nero," Genghis said, "I just wanted to give you this rose-a small gift of congratulations for the wonderful concert you gave us last night!"
"Oh, thank you," Nero said, taking the rose out of Genghis's hand and giving it a good smell. "I was wonderful, wasn't I?"
"You were perfection!" Genghis said. "The first time you played your sonata, I was deeply moved. The second time, I had tears in my eyes. The third time, I was sobbing. The fourth time, I had an uncontrollable emotional attack. The fifth time-" The Baudelaires did not hear about the fifth time because Nero's door swung shut behind them. — Lemony Snicket

Funny Funny Quotes By Christine Quinn

My favorite app is 'StumbleUpon,' because it just gives you interesting things that are sometimes exactly the stuff I'm interested in and sometimes just silly and funny. — Christine Quinn

Funny Funny Quotes By Joel Hodgson

Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there. — Joel Hodgson

Funny Funny Quotes By Charles Nelson Reilly

The thing that's funny is that everyone thinks I'm dead. — Charles Nelson Reilly

Funny Funny Quotes By Jason Mitchell

I already have two movies in the can, low-key, which are 'Vincent-N-Roxxy' and 'Keanu' with Key and Peele, which is my first comedy, and it's going to be super dope, definitely funny. They're so great, and they've been such life coaches to me. — Jason Mitchell

Funny Funny Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!" — Mitch Hedberg