Funny Frankie Boyle Quotes & Sayings

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman! — Frankie Boyle

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long. — Frankie Boyle

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'? — Frankie Boyle

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money. — Frankie Boyle

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist. — Frankie Boyle

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside. — Frankie Boyle

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think ... is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to? — Frankie Boyle

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer. — Frankie Boyle

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up. — Frankie Boyle

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine. — Frankie Boyle

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day. — Frankie Boyle

Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges. — Frankie Boyle

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff. — Frankie Boyle

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out. — Frankie Boyle

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"? — Frankie Boyle

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die. — Frankie Boyle

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher. — Frankie Boyle

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine. — Frankie Boyle

I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records. — Frankie Boyle

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor. — Frankie Boyle

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day ... Chlamydia. — Frankie Boyle

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol. — Frankie Boyle

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid. — Frankie Boyle

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves. — Frankie Boyle

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher) — Frankie Boyle

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English. — Frankie Boyle

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'. — Frankie Boyle

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem! — Frankie Boyle

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11. — Frankie Boyle

The thing I don't get about paedophilia ... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy? — Frankie Boyle

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory ... He's a spastic. — Frankie Boyle

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them! — Frankie Boyle

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome? — Frankie Boyle

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive. — Frankie Boyle

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack. — Frankie Boyle

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags. — Frankie Boyle

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer. — Frankie Boyle

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose. — Frankie Boyle

Congratulations your 18! ... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill. — Frankie Boyle

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota. — Frankie Boyle

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch. — Frankie Boyle

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall. — Frankie Boyle

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up! — Frankie Boyle

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years. — Frankie Boyle

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin. — Frankie Boyle