Funny Eating Quotes & Sayings

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait". — Mitch Hedberg

Home. The word circled comfortably in my mouth like bubble gum, swished around sweetly soft and satisfying. Home. Try saying it aloud to yourself. Home. Isn't it like taking a bite of something lovely? If only we could eat words. — Sol Luckman

I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now. — Denis Leary

Are you okay with what we ordered?" Angeline asked him. "You didn't pipe up with any requests."
Neil shook his head, face stoic. He kept his dark hair in a painfully short and efficient haircut. It was the kind of no-nonsense thing the Alchemists would've loved. "I can't waste time quibbling over trivial things like pepperoni and mushrooms. If you'd gone to my school in Devonshire, you'd understand. For one of my sophomore classes, they left us alone on the moors to fend for ourselves and learn survival skills. Spend three days eating twigs and heather, and you'll learn not to argue about any food coming your way."
Angeline and Jill cooed as though that was the most rugged, manly thing they'd ever heard. Eddie wore an expression that reflected what I felt, puzzling over whether this guy was as serious as he seemed or just some genius with swoon-worthy lines. — Richelle Mead

Mind telling me what's so funny?" he asked as he spooned beans onto their plates. "Nothing." Lorelai avoided looking at Kol. "Then if nothing is funny, you two can stop grinning at each other like village idiots and start eating your dinner. I imagine tomorrow will be another difficult day." And — C.J. Redwine

But who am I if I'm not Janie the bulimic? Bulimia has become so much a part of me that I can't remember what it felt like not to purge. It's been this secret that I have hidden from my parents and my friends (well, except for Nancy) and the rest of the world. It's the way I can let off the pressure of always feeling like I'm not smart enough, I'm not thin enough, not pretty enough, not funny enough, just plain not enough enough. — Sarah Darer Littman

Do fish get cramps after eating? — Steven Wright

It's funny. When we first started hanging out I didn't want Ashley to think I was a pig, so I was careful not to eat too much in front of her ... Now, I don't even think about it. — Natasha Friend

It's funny to think about endings now. Now that all there is to do is wait. Now that the real ending is coming, all of the other endings feel like something else completely. All of the goodbyes, and leaving the people she loved. The people she loved leaving her. They felt like endings at the time. But the next day, she had gotten out of bed, and maybe there was a hollow pit where her stomach used to be, maybe she didn't feel like eating or talking or seeing people for a while, but mostly, things stayed the same. — Alexandra Coutts

We kept eating for a while and I though maybe this would be enough for one night. We'd moved into a very safe territiory. I could talk about desserts for hours! But then, without warrning, he started talking about his life again. — Kiera Cass

It is dull, Son of Adam, to drink without eating," said the Queen presently. "What would you like best to eat?"
"Turkish Delight, please, your Majesty," said Edmund. — C.S. Lewis

It dawned on him that he really could be a cop if he wanted to, and it dawned on him that he'd had this revelation while eating a donut, and it that wasn't a sign, he didn't know what was. — Doug Dorst

I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy. — Will Rogers

I just asked you, Alan, what was your opinion about the trend towards modernisation in the performance of the classics?" Larry's dad said, with his lip curled up all funny.[ ... ]
"I think it's okay. I don't think you should diss actors just 'cause they can't afford proper costumes."
Then Larry laughed, but his family all looked at me like I had sauce all over my face or something. So I wiped my mouth, but it was clean anyhow. But I made sure I was extra careful eating after that, just in case. — J.L. Merrow

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating. — Adam Carolla

It's so funny; I grew up in the Midwest, I have two older brothers, and you're just as competitive playing football as you are eating pickled eggs, or trying to kill zombies. As long as you don't take it too far, I think it's a good way for people to relate. — Jose Pablo Cantillo

We wrapped ourselves in towels and went back in, eating sandwiches on the bed while Kaidan made fun of the pop love ballads on Marna's playlist. Funny how he knew the words to so many of them. — Wendy Higgins

Much were bent over in laughter. I pushed him, and he rolled to the floor without my intended insult. "Come off it!" I stamped my foot.
"What's so funny?" John asked, coming over in the middle of eating an apple. He tossed me an apple and I threw it at Much. He only laughed harder. "K-k-kissed Scar!" he hooted.
"Someone kissed you?" John asked, turning to me. He didn't look like it were too funny. "Who is he?"
This made Much laugh more.
"None of your business, John Little," I told him.
He stepped closer to me with a flat face that, if I could ape it, I'd never be kissed by a stupid girl when I didn't want to be. "Who, Scar?"
"Jenny Percy!" Much roared.
John's face broke open, like a smile could split a black
mood. "Wait till Rob hears this. — A.C. Gaughen

Two cannibals were eating a comedian, and one of them turns to the other and asks, 'Does this taste funny to you? — Nicholas Sparks

I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. — Paul Simon

She could sit around listening to her heart breaking, or she could go watch a grown man piss himself.
"How crossed are her eyes?" Dove asked.
Duke gave her the shit-eating grin of victory. "So fucking crossed that she can see herself change her mind. — Debra Anastasia

Margherita Margheritone put the pot of water on the fire and the Wicked Witch emptied the sack into it and the little wash-bear jumped out and started biting both of them, went down into the yard and started eating the hens, and threw all the rubbish into the air. — Niccolo Ammaniti

Charlotte." Kate attempted to distract the child from her endless questions and held up the glass tube. "This is wulfsyl. I can't be sure it's correct."
The girl looked at Kate with excitement, then asked hopefully, "Will it stop me from eating someone?"
Kate looked uncomfortable. "We believe that if you take it now, you will n ever have to eat someone."
"But what if I do?"
"Eat Malcolm," Simon suggested. — Clay Griffith

Who would I kill?" I asked, sitting up from him, wiping my face.
"Who?"
"Yeah, I mean, is it random, or do you choose them?"
"Well." He grinned and picked an ant off the rug, then tossed it onto the grass. "I usually avoid eating comedians as much as possible."
"Why?" I asked slowly.
"Because they taste funny." His brows rose.
I imagined a tumbleweed rolling past as I listened for crickets. "That wasn't funny. — A.M. Hudson

Bildon killed Tad. Look, there's his dagger hidden in the pot of semolina. There's the proof," he screamed. "It's in the pudding."

What an idiot, thought Madrick as he raced up the steps, the proof is always in the eating. — Ken Magee

Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation. — Dave Barry

In this scene, I'm talking about how much I don't like cookies ... I'm sayin', 'Listen, guys. Have you read the book? We're not supposed to be eating.' — Robert Pattinson

I'm not much for parties. Sometimes you have to wear a funny hat, sometimes they expect you to eat sushi, which is like eating bait. And there's always some totally drunk girl who thinks you're smitten by her, when what you're really wondering is if she'll vomit on your shirt or instead on your shoes. — Dean Koontz

People should just be aware of how they are eating ... yesterday I had a McDonald's breakfast and pizza too - but that's bad. — Peaches Geldof

Oh my God! Stop eating that!"
"Your trail mix tastes funny," Trevor said with a cringe.
"That wasn't trail mix, you bastard! That was potpourri!"
"Well, that explains a lot," he said, giving her a sheepish smile as he returned the large wooden bowl back to the side table. She didn't need to look to know that he'd already eaten half the bowl of potpourri. She didn't even bother asking him what the hell was wrong with him since she knew the answer.
The man was a Bradford.
Enough said. — R.L. Mathewson

How is it that food STILL contains calories that make you gain weight in the 21st CENTURY?! It's like scientists aren't even trying! — Tanya Masse

Well, I'm sorry to keep bringing it up, but I never anticipated there would be such animosity between you two as you grew up. I kept hoping those growth hormones would turn on and she would flower out a little for you."
"Mother. That's weird. We aren't plants. And if Trea were a plant, she'd be one of those eating ones from the old books. — Hilary Thompson

I grew up a huge fan of The Three Stooges and Monty Python, so somebody getting slapped in the face with a fish, or falling out of a chair, or running into a door, or tripping over their own feet and eating it, is all stuff I find really, really funny. — Thomas Sadoski

You're walking funny," Lucy said, a shit-eating grin on her face. Five days of out of this world sex with a starving man could do that to a girl.
"You're just jealous." Brenna pushed through the door into DarkRiver's business HQ.
Lucy made a mournful face. "Yes, I am. Goddamn but your man is hot. And he smiles at you! I've seen him do it, even if no one believes me. — Nalini Singh

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral. — Anthony Jeselnik

I actually met Larson [Paine] on Larchmont in Los Angeles. He was eating and he stopped me because I was massaging my larynx. I was doing a show and trying to loosen up my throat. He had sort of this southern vibe about eating alone and talking to people. And it was funny because I had just having eaten with Larry O'Keefe and Nell Benjamin. — Laura Bell Bundy

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway. — Solange Nicole

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50. — Dane Cook

You should have seen her this morning,' he said, smiling. 'She's got into the pantry and tipped a box of Cheerios all over the kitchen floor. I walk in and she's crawling around eating them as fast as she can. Mum's standing there, watching her - she got this embarrassed look when she saw me - she does, 'I know, I know, but I can't bring myself to stop her. She thinks she's hit the jackpot. — Jaclyn Moriarty

I'm out of the room in the next instant, like a man wanting breath, after suffocating through the horror of a burrito eating obese man's fart." - Emily Dolt — Nix Banner

It was an eerie feeling, which is why Violet and Sunny were surprised when Klaus broke the silence by laughing suddenly.
"What are you snickering at?" Violet asked.
"I just realized something," Klaus said. "We're going to the administrative building without an appointment. We'll have to eat our meals without silverware."
"There's nothing funny about that!" Violet said. "What if they serve oatmeal for breakfast? We'll have to scoop it up with our hands."
"Oot," Sunny said, which meant "Trust me, it's not that difficult," and at that the Baudelaire sisters joined their brother in laughter. It was not funny, of course, that Nero enforced such terrible punishments, but the idea of eating oatmeal with their hands gave all three siblings the giggles.
"Or fried eggs!" Violet said. "What if they serve runny fried eggs?"
"Or pancakes, covered in syrup!" Klaus said.
"Soup!" Sunny shrieked, and they all broke out in laughter again. — Lemony Snicket

... MOM!" Martha finally screamed. "Mom, you've got to see these!"
"Is it about Hermione?" She exclaimed, rushing into the middle of the room. Her mouth dropped open in horror when she noticed Hermione's walls.
"I can't find any ... polite ... photos of her, mom."
"Why are there ones of her eating out of dumpsters and giving seniors the finger?"
"No idea," Martha replied.
"Oh god ... I'll get one out of my wallet," Her mom decided, hurrying out of the room frantically.
... It's funny how when one thing happens, it can make you forget about something else. — Rebecca McNutt

Trust me, my parents have about as much impulse control as I do. If they didn't like you, you'd know. Hell, you'd have been sitting in the car until I finished eating. — Billy London

You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab.
"Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it! — Rachel Caine

Cat Stevens is also the only other member of the family who enjoys eating the meats that Dad brings home from the Strip, although sometimes he expresses his enjoyment by barfing. — Jesse Andrews

You're not eating the cheese, Frank says accusingly. And you're fucking my mom, I want to say back. — Lauren Barnholdt

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?' — Tommy Cooper

I think there's something odd about eating another living anything. — Shania Twain

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. — Johnny Carson

At a table behind, a man was sitting with his knees pinched together and eating as if it were a punishment: for a few seconds his hand sped between the carton of fries, the small tub of ketchup and the chewing mouth, then he swallowed, grabbed the hamburger with both hands, put it to his lips and took a large bite. — Karl Ove Knausgard

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE! — Demetri Martin

I'm not a fussy eater, but when I'm travelling, I try to stick to the same regime and just have my chicken and my mash and broccoli. Otherwise, you start eating all these funny delicacies, and it makes your tummy turn upside down. — Ella Henderson

It's because I'm pregnant, Christian."
He snorts, and his mouth twists into an ironic smile. "If I knew getting you knocked up was going to make you eat, I might have done it earlier. — E.L. James

It's not over till the fat lady eats! — Ljupka Cvetanova

Eating be eating, b'ain't it, Birdie?'
'Nay, Uncle Bear: In Caermelor, at the Royal Court, they be so-oh, so much more advanced than anywhere else. 'Tis not done to wipe your fingers on your hair or the tablecloth, or belch, or speak with your mouth full of food, or scratch, or pick your teeth at table. Ye have to use little forks to pick up the food. Ye not allowed to pour wine for your betters or for yourself, but to wait for them to deign to pour it for ye, if they be feeling generous. And the carving of the meats must be done a certain way, and as for the toasts-it would take ye a whole day just to learn the complications.
'Takes the fun out of eating,' observed Sianadh. — Cecilia Dart-Thornton

We told each other every funny story we could think of. One of them stays in my mind. A German citizen wants to commit suicide. He tries to hang himself, but the rope is of such a poor quality that it breaks. He tries to drown himself, but the percentage of wood in the fabric of his pants is so high that he floats on the surface like a raft. Finally he starves to death from eating official government rations. — Edith Hahn Beer

The first time someone asked me if I was pregnant, I was eating friend cheese at the Summit County Fair — Olive B. Persimmon

I've noticed a funny thing about people who are over-weight. They spend all their time thinking about food -except when they're actually eating it — Paul McKenna

And I know someone who's
perfect for her. He works in my lab. He's smart. He's funny. His name is Bert."
Bert?
Is she fucking kidding me? What kind of sick son of a bitch names his kid Bert in this day and
age? That's just cruel.
"He'll show Kate a good time. I plan on setting them up this weekend."
And I plan on handcuffing myself to Kate's ankle and eating the key. Let's see what kind of good
time Bert can show Kate when she's dragging me around behind her like a Siamese twin. — Emma Chase

Hey guys, what did the lion say after eating the clown?" The boys stopped. One looked confused, but the other grinned. "What?" he called. "I don't know about you, but I think that tasted kind of funny. — Erin Nicholas

I FLEW over the rooftops of the city, listened to some jazz at Preservation Hall, drank rainwater down in Pirate's Alley, ducked into a kitchen on Dauphine and Orleans and was fed by an old couple who was sure I was both tame and owned by a neighbor. It was the great thing about the city: nothing really surprised anyone. They expected to see things out of the ordinary. A black panther eating gumbo was normal. — Mary Calmes

Apropos of Eskimo, I once heard a missionary describe the extraordinary difficulty he had found in translating the Bible into Eskimo. It was useless to talk of corn or wine to a people who did not know even what they meant, so he had to use equivalents within their powers of comprehension. Thus in the Eskimo version of the Scriptures the miracle of Cana of Galilee is described as turning the water into blubber; the 8th verse of the 5th chapter of the First Epistle of St. Peter ran: 'Your adversary the devil, as a roaring Polar bear walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.' In the same way 'A land flowing with milk and honey' became 'A land flowing with whale's blubber,' and throughout the New Testament the words 'Lamb of God' had to be translated 'little Seal of God,' as the nearest possible equivalent. The missionary added that his converts had the lowest opinion of Jonah for not having utilised his exceptional opportunities by killing and eating the whale. — Frederick Hamilton

Fear does funny things to people. Shit, Dahmer was cooking and eating people in the middle of an apartment building. Imagine what you can get away with in a no man's land. — Greg F. Gifune

Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, 'Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating's a serious business. — Brian Jacques

The kind of funny irony is that a lot of people talk about ethical meat eating as if it's a way to care about things, but also not to alienate yourself from the rest of the world. But it's so much more alienating than vegetarianism. — Jonathan Safran Foer

But you can always justify killing animals on the grounds that you want to eat them, or wear them, or that they smell bad, look funny, bother you, threaten you, and have the bad luck of being in your way. What about killing humans? Well aside from a few die-hard individualists on the fringe, the general consensus among people these days seems to be that eating and wearing other people is just not on. Wearing a suit which costs as much as a farmer will make in his lifetime is acceptable, but actually putting his eyeballs on a string and letting them dangle above tastefully exposed cleavage is bad form. — Mohsin Hamid

It's so funny, because when I was growing up in a small town in New Hampshire, I was obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio - from the 'Growing Pains'/'What's Eating Gilbert Grape' era, because he was superhot - and I carried a laminated photo of him in my wallet and said he was my boyfriend. But no one believed me. — Eliza Coupe

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches. — Frank Carson

Sudenly Garge spring up and walk to the wall to admire some modarn art hanging on Frank and Estele Catandas wall. Hes impressed. Frank and Estele have always had a traditienel sensibility when it come to aesthetic matter's. For as long as he knew it, this space on the wall was ocupied by a Normen Rockwell print of a smileing child with a cast on his arm eating a handful of bird seed out of the hand of the postman. But now its replace with this minimelist art work, a large black rectangle. He make out hes bald reflectien in the imposibly smooth black surfece. It look like something that should be hang in the Moma (Museum Of Modarn Art).
"This is beauteful," Garge remark. "It seem like a stark comentary on the end of art. Who designe this?"
"Not art," Frank go. "Thats a televisien. — Seinfeld 2000

The funny thing about a lie is that once it has been said and believed, it lives and becomes. It can't be taken back. It sucks all the air from you until you give up and it takes over and you forget how to breathe on your own. It is like those parasitic relationships, but not like the shark and the little remora that politely cleans the shark's skin and sometimes attaches itself to its underbelly. No, it is more like a tapeworm eating someone from the inside out. — Carrie Arcos

I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over. — Mitch Hedberg

Most of the people you see going to work today are LARPing (live-action role playing) an incredibly boring RPG (role-playing game) called "professionalism" that requires them to alter their vocabulary, posture, eating habits, facial expressions
every detail all the way down to what they allow themselves to find funny. — Cory Doctorow

Warren returns from his room and sits back down at the table.
"I walked away for dramatic effect," he says. "I wasn't finished eating yet. — Colleen Hoover

All you do is eat. You eat, then you start thinking about the next thing you're going to eat."
"Eating is the only thing that breaks the monotony," Scotty said.
Seth's eyebrows shot up. "This isn't monotony. This is the fucking dream."
"It will be," Scotty said. "When I have some yogurt. — Rainbow Rowell

What?"
"Nothing." He laughed."You were really hungry."
"I don't need to defend my eating to anyone.And just so you know,when I'm done with this,I plan to eat three whole cookies."
"Whoa." He held up his hands."Now you're pulling out the big guns."
"I don't mess around. — Tristi Pinkston

You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one. — Jay Leno

Why wasn't I already kissing this woman? Why wasn't I naked, eating violets, and playing music underneath the open sky?
Looking around the room again, everything seemed terribly ridiculous. These people sitting on their benches wearing layers on layers of clothing, eating with knives and forks. It all struck me as so pointless and contrived. It was incredibly funny. It was like they were playing a game and didn't even realize it. It was like a joke I'd never understood before. — Patrick Rothfuss