Funny Dumb Quotes & Sayings

I've always loved The Simpsons, just because it was really, really funny. As a kid, you love the characters. You know that the dad is dumb and frustrated, and you know that the boy is smarter than everyone else around him and is constantly getting into mischief. — Alex Hirsch

I do not miss ITV, God no! Have you seen ITV lately? — Cilla Black

[She] had occasionally glimpsed a series of interchangeable well-groomed blondes accompanying him to work events, then Grace had rocked up with her funny-coloured hair and her funny-coloured tights, and Vaughn had been smitten. Well, as smitten as Vaughn could be. — Sarra Manning

I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes. — Richard M. Nixon

Real sex is as much about reciprocity as it is exploration and if you need a reason to resent a man later on, just consider the guy who doesn't believe in cunnilingus ... — Roberto Hogue

I've always thought those guys are really funny. And I love Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin and Mary. — David Zucker

I like to think my sense of humor is sort of smart and dumb at the same time. I like to work on multiple levels - smart and dumb, funny and sad, profound and mundane, cynical and hopeful. — Robert Lopez

Where the hell is Australia anyway? — Britney Spears

I'm on so late I'm definitely the last seconds of anyone's attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, 'That's funny,' then fall asleep. — Jimmy Fallon

Wasn't Winston Churchill the first black president of America? There's a statue of him near me ... that's black ... — Danielle O'Hara

A week is a long time in politics, and three weeks is twice as long. — Rosie Barnes

I cannot tell you how grateful I am - I am filled with humidity. — Gib Lewis

Dress like Britney Spears and think like me, and everything will be fine. — Madonna Ciccone

Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered. — Jake Gyllenhaal

The clitoris contains 8,000 nerve endings. It makes it easy to have sex. With yourself. — Dannii Minogue

If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final. — Cyndi Lauper

Idiots are of two kinds: those who try to be smart and those who think they are smart. — Raheel Farooq

As a kid I was the youngest member of my family, and the youngest child in any family is always a jokemaker, because a joke is the only way he can enter into an adult conversation. My sister was five years older than I was, my brother was nine years older than I was, and my parents were both talkers. So at the dinner table when I was very young, I was boring to all those other people. They did not want to hear about the dumb childish news of my days. They wanted to talk about really important stuff that happened in high school or maybe in college or at work. So the only way I could get into a conversation was to say something funny. — Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Hello Miss," I said in a feverish manner. "I'm Jack, and of course I will muck out your horse for you." I grinned a huge dumb smile right at her. "I'm always happy to help."

She was taken aback, gazing at me confused. She wasn't sure if I was being sarcastic, or if I was just some village simpleton who always said too much. — LeeAnn Whitaker

You can hardly tell where the computer models finish and the real dinosaurs begin — Laura Dern

This planet is our home. If we destroy the planet, we've destroyed our home, so it is fundamentally important. — Ross Perot

There's the perception Danni Minogue is the sweetest little thing in the world but she's not ... she's got balls of steel. — Sharon Osbourne

I go in on your arm and we separate. To make me look unavailable, since Vlad likes what he can't have, I play dumb blonde and make myself sexy." I glared as Adam barked with laughter at my words."No going off of the plan, when he takes you in the back room - and he will, you work the information out of him without blowing your cover, or him." I shot the glare to Ryder. "I have no intention of bobbing on Vlad's knob. Or yours." I tossed into remove the wide smirk my response had given him and it worked. — Amelia Hutchins

We can't play stupid hockey, dumb hockey, greedy hockey, selfish hockey. We have to put the team ahead of our personal feelings. — Terry Crisp

This is a great day for France! — Richard M. Nixon

I've been up and down so many times that I feel as if I'm in a revolving door. — Cher

For those of you haven't read the book, it's being published tomorrow — David Frost

My wife thinks I think I'm such hot stuff. She's wrong. I don't think I'm such hot stuff.

My hero George Bernard Shaw, socialist, and shrewd and funny playwright, said in his eighties that if he was considered smart, he sure pitied people who were considered dumb. He said that, having lived as long as he had, he was at last sufficiently wise to serve as a reasonably competent office boy.

That's how I feel. — Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

If I could go into the woods and kill a bear myself, I'd wear it proudly as a trophy. — Nigella Lawson

I always felt like I could be funny, but there was a part of me that always judged actors so harshly ... I thought all actors were dumb-that they must have serious emotional problems. Even if they don't, that's the perception I had of them. I didn't want anyone to see me that way. — Lisa Kudrow

The issue we are reluctant to talk about is even more sensitive than condoms. The issue - and I will try to be tasteful here - is that sometimes it seems like maybe the president of the United States is kind of dumb. If you get what I mean. What I mean is, I am not totally confident that the president would get what I mean, unless several aides explained it to him. And even then, he might forget. — Dave Barry

The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: "Some assembly required." — John Leo

Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton. — Dan Duva

If I could read a book, I'd definitely read one of yours. — Paris Hilton

The clown is a creature of chaos. His appearance is an affront to our sense of dignity, his actions a mockery of our sense of order. The clown (freedom) is always being chased by the policeman (authority). Clowns are funny precisely because their shy hopes lead invariably to brief flings of (exhilarating?) disorder followed by crushing retaliation from the status quo. It delights us to watch a careless clown break taboos; it thrills us vicariously to watch him run wild and free; it reassures us to see him slapped down and order restored. After all, we can condone liberty only up to a point. Consider Jesus as a ragged, nonconforming clown
laughed at, persecuted and despised
playing out the dumb show at his crucifixion against the responsible pretensions of authority. — Tom Robbins

Real teenage boys aren't like characters in the books you read. They smell funny and are obsessed with video games and say dumb things. They're still learning, just like you. — Stacey Jay

Thanks is part to our education system, we tend to think that we're smarter than the stupid guys in funny wigs who came before us. But that's because we are mistaking technology, progress, and access to information for intelligence. We think that because we know how to use iPhones (but not build them), browse the Internet (but not understand how it works), and use Google (but not really know anything), our educational system is working just great. By the same token, we think that those dumb aristocrats who used horses to get around and didn't have electricity were neanderthals. — Glenn Beck

I realized, dumb people don't know they're dumb. When people try to make me laugh and they try to be funny, that's when they lose me. I find a lot of comedy in honesty. — Nathan Fillion

Miss Taylor says kids that are colored can't go to my school cause they're not smart enough." I come round the counter then. Lift her chin up and smooth back her funny-looking hair. "You think I'm dumb?" "No," she whispers hard, like she means it so much. She look sorry she said it. "What that tell you about Miss Taylor, then?" She blink, like she listening good. "Means Miss Taylor ain't right all the time," I say. She hug me around my neck, say, "You're righter than Miss Taylor." I tear up then. My cup is spilling over. Those is new words to me. — Kathyrn Stockett

People don't understand that when I'm on the show I'm totally relaxed, hanging out, having a fun time, watching videos, and being goofy. Sometimes I say stupid comments, just being funny, and people think I'm a dumb person. — Chanel West Coast

At the finish, it was all over — Jim Watt

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' — Lewis Black

All New Years is to me is for taking down your dumb Christmas decorations. People who put up Christmas decorations, all they're saying is, 'Hey, we're not Jews.' — Rich Vos

If you think is was an accident, applaud. — Geraldo Rivera

As a young designer explained to me bluntly: "Everyone upstairs is dumb," referring to the floor above the engineering lair at the 156 University office where customer support, administrators and salespeople sat. My first impulse was to laugh at his ridiculous, blithe dismissiveness, until I realized that it wasn't very funny. — Katherine Losse

So, how did you all meet? — Donna Air

There are four categories of questions Emmily asks:
1. Can I please go to the bathroom?
2. Where is the bathroom?
3. Is it okay if I raise my hand and ask a question?
4. I don't understand anything you've said in the last thirty minutes. Could you explain it again? Also the last six weeks. — Jim Benton

Richard Burton had a tremendous passion for the English language, especially the spoken and written word — Frank Bough

With the history of us, a book wouldn't necessarily be the best thing. — Keisha Buchanan

I hear a lot of people singing in funny voices and singing like they're stupid. Singing in a deliberately fey and dumb and childish way. And I find it to be a disturbing trend. — Daryl Hall

I sneaked out to his house a couple times in the middle of the night to watch over him while he slept, just in case, I dont know, his comic book collection decided to spontaneously combust. This was dumb and admittedly creepy in an Edward Cullen kind of way — Cynthia Hand

Acting is easier and smoother than singing - it's less drama. — Beyonce Knowles

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana. — Lance Manion

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are. — Natasha Leggero

Thats not a place where I'm considered good-looking. — Mark Hoppus

Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."
Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"
Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty. — Orson Scott Card

If he can't get to the clock, any idea how we deal with this lot?"
"With great care," Donegan suggested.
"How about we run off shout and they follow?" Said Gracious. "Then, just when they think they've caught us they fall into our trap."
"OK," said Tanith. "And that trap would be?"
"A big hole we'd dug earlier and covered with branches.'
Tanith frowned. "I thought you were meant to be smart."
Gracious frowned back at her. "Who told you that?"
"Gracious is book smart," said Donegan. "He leaves the real world thinking to people like you and me and small dogs that he meets."
"The innocent are often the wisest. — Derek Landy

God, could that dopey girl dance. Buddy Singer and his stinking band was playing 'Just One of Those Things' and even they couldn't ruin it entirely. It's a swell song. I didn't try any trick stuff while we danced
I hate a guy that does a lot of show-off tricky stuff on the dance floor
but I was moving her around plenty, and she stayed with me. The funny thing is, I thought she was enjoying it, too, till all of a sudden she came out with this very dumb remark. "I and my girl friends saw Peter Lorre last night," she said. "The movie actor. In person. He was buyin' a newspaper. He's cute."
"You're lucky," I told her. "You're really lucky. You know that?" She was really a moron. But what a dancer. — J.D. Salinger

I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me. — Andre Dawson

Dumb as a drum vith a hole in it, sir. — Charles Dickens

Eskimos are uncivilised because they don't have any shops. — Jodie Marsh

Hey, Geekoid!" yelled Duncan Dougal, "Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV? — Bruce Coville

People deal with models like they are children. They think they can pull one over on you. It's actually funny. I'm always like, I'm about to pull something on you, and you're so focused on thinking I'm dumb, you're not even going to know. — Kate Upton

People think it's funny when a dumb person can't do things the same way they can. — Daniel Keyes

To have your niece die in your arms is the greatest gift from god. — Celine Dion

It was a sobering experience. — Lindsay Lohan

TV deals in very broad strokes. Like, 'Oh, that's my dumb friend', or, 'That's my funny friend.' A true best friend, a sidekick, has to be a little deeper then that. You have to feel like there's nothing either character won't do. That someone really, really has their back. — Willie Garson

I'm a guy. Unless the dirt attacks first, I leave it in peace. — Katie Graykowski

It's literally murder on the dancefloor. — Dermot O'Leary

There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964. — Roger Daltrey

I'm not a sexual person, really. I don't really care about sex. — Paris Hilton

I absolutely admit I had him in the handcuffs so he wouldn't go anywhere while I checked the computer ... I certainly wasn't going to kill him. That's hardly going to do my career any good, is it? — Boy George

Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that's who you are. Don't try to be someone that society wants you to be, that's stupid. So be yourself — Christina Grimmie

If you put it on the table as a bargaining chip, it becomes a bargaining chip — Ronald Reagan

Isn't it weird that I'm getting all emotionable? — Jessica Simpson

Funny thing about life, it's so easy to view it from the outside in. We can see the exact point where our friends fuck up, do the wrong thing, are blind to what's right in front of them. As in, why the fuck won't they just listen to us and take our advice instead of bumbling all over the place? We watch horror movies and know when to shout at the dumb girl who goes in the basement to investigate that noise; we revel in her stupidity, feel superior to it. If it were us, we assure ourselves, we wouldn't be so stupid. Sure we would; we just wouldn't realize the danger. Because the truth is, we're walking deaf, dumb, and blind half of the time. And even though I can tell myself this afterward, after I fuck up, it doesn't make me feel any better. Because I'm about to do a fuck up royale. With cheese. — Kristen Callihan

I felt like my vote was the vote that put [Obama] into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote. And that may not be true, but that's how much power it felt like I had. — Puff Daddy

I miss being able to wake up when I want and go on stage when I want and pull down my pants when I want. — Mark Wahlberg

The Nazis were seldom dumb and never funny. — Leonid Kinskey

It's not so much a thankless task, it's more a job with no thanks — Colin Baker

When Eve ate the apple her knowledge increased. But God liked dumb women so Paradise ceased. Gwen Goodnight. Her Work. — Jennifer Crusie

Did you write the words, or the lyrics? — Bruce Forsyth

I don't know how much more of this 'sugarplum' shit I can take.

I'm about ready to hand over my balls just so he can feel what it's like to have a pair again.

-Jackson 'Blame It on the Pain — Ashley Jade

... breaking the heart of someone you still love is a rare horror, not funny to anyone, except perhaps Satan ... and even his pleasure would be spoiled by not having had a hand in it, by the dumb, wasteful accident of the thing. The Devil wants meaning just like the rest of us. — Glenn Duncan

Musical people always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be perfectly deaf. — Oscar Wilde

Very slowly using two fingers, Annabeth drew her dagger. Instead of dropping it, she tossed it as far as she could into the water.
Octavian made a squeaking sound. "What was that for? I didn't say toss it! That could've been evidence. Or spoils of war!"
Annabeth tried for a dumb-blonde smile, like: Oh, silly me. Nobody who knew her would have been fooled. But Octavian seemed to buy it. He huffed in exasperation.
"You other two ... " He pointed his blade a Hazel and Piper. "Put your weapons on the dock. No funny bus
"
All around the Romans, Charleston Harbor erupted like a Las Vegas fountain putting on a show. When the wall of seawater subsided, the three Romans were in the bay, spluttering and frantically trying to stay afloat in their armor. Percy stood on the dock, holding Annabeth's dagger.
"You dropped this," he said, totally poker-faced.
-Heroes of Olympus — Rick Riordan

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!! — Rodney Dangerfield

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. — Vlade Divac

I'm going away anyway. I am. Do you hear me? I may be ugly and clumsy, but one thing I am not, I'm not retarded. I may be ugly and clumsy, but one thing I am not, I'm not retarded. There's nothing wrong with my brain. Do you know what the Teacher Ghosts say about me? They tell me I'm smart, and I can win scholarships. I can get into colleges. I've already applied. I'm smart. I can do all sorts of things. I know how to get A's, and they say I could be a scientist or a mathematician if I want. I can make a living and take care of myself. So you don't have to find me a keeper who's too dumb to know a bad bargain. I'm so smart, if they say write ten pages, I can write fifteen. I can do ghost things even better than ghosts can. Not everyone thinks I'm nothing. I am not going to be a slave or a wife. Even if I am stupid and talk funny amd get sick, I won't let you turn me into a slave or a wife. I'm getting out of here. I can't stand living here anyore. It's your fault I talk weird. — Maxine Hong Kingston

Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident ... you know you have to do something about it because you know you're the only one that can really help. — Tom Cruise

My second hit was a flop. — Shakin' Stevens

I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job. — George H. W. Bush

No one will need more than 637Kb of memory for a personal computer — Bill Gates

And he nipped them in the bud, right at the end — Bob Holness

I'm like a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen. — Katy Perry

We're going to move left and right at the same time. — Jerry Brown

As humans we speak one language ... — Avril Lavigne

It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing — Bill Wyman

I have started smiling! I've mastered this smirk; it's a smile that isn't a smile. — Victoria Beckham

In any given situation there will always be more dumb people than smart people. We ain't many! — Ken Kesey