Funny Comical Quotes & Sayings

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer. — Carroll Bryant

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up. — Carroll Bryant

Boxing is always serious. Nothing comical or funny about boxing. — Juan Manuel Marquez

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn't that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. — Carroll Bryant

Assumptions are unopened windows that foolish birds fly into, and their broken bodies are evidence gathered too late. — Bryan Davis

I play these sort of comical instruments I invented, like the electric rake and the electric plunger. I do a lot of almost stand-up comedy material. Just the juxtaposition of the different styles in itself sometimes is funny. Like, I do sort of an acoustic version of 'Purple Haze' that has some bluegrass licks in it. — Eugene Chadbourne

The other night I took her on-out of pity-and what do you think the crazy bitch had done to herself? She had shaved it clean ... not a speck of hair on it. Did you ever have a woman who shaved her twat? It's repulsive, ain't it? And it's funny, too. Sort of mad like. It doesn't look like a twat any more: it's like a dead clam or something." He describes to me how, his curiosity aroused, he got out of bed and searched for his flashlight. "I made her hold it open and I trained the flashlight on it. You should have seen me ... it was comical. I got so worked up about it that I forgot all about her. I never in my life looked at a cunt so seriously. — Henry Miller

Who in the universe halts when the enemy tells them to? — Sherwood Smith

Small Man can be a very funny or a very tiresome Tour Companion, depending on how this kind of thing grabs you. He gambles, he drinks too much and he always runs away. Since the Rules allow him to make Jokes, he will excuse his behaviour in a variety of comical ways. Physically he is stunted and not at all handsome, although he usually dresses flamboyantly. He tends to wear hats with feathers in. You will discover he is very vain. But, if you can avoid smacking him, you will come to tolerate if not love him. He will contrive, in some cowardly way, to play a major part in saving the world. — Diana Wynne Jones

In a near-by clearing, Cricket and How-Ya-Do came upon a ridiculously comical sight.
It was an extra-large hyper-manic bird yelling at the funniest looking Crawfish that she had ever seen. The Crawfish stood over a foot tall, which just does not happen, and he was wearing a light-blue beanie and gold chains around his neck. — Darwun St. James

As the van door starts to close, Brad suddenly realizes that the instant the doors close completely, the van interior will become the terrifying bland gray space he's heard about all his life, the place one goes when one has been Written Out.
The van interior becomes the bland gray space.
From the front yard TV comes the brash martial music that indicates UrgentUpdateNewsMinute.
Animal rights activists have expressed concern over the recent trend of spraying live Canadian geese with a styrene coating which instantaneously kills them while leaving them extremely malleable, so it then becomes easy to shape them into comical positions and write funny sayings in DryErase cartoon balloons emanating from their beaks, which, apparently, is the new trend for outdoor summer parties.
— George Saunders

-"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid. — Lloyd Alexander

We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon. — Daniel Quinn

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in. — Dannika Dark

Thomas was sick of being accused of knowing things. — James Dashner

Well Connor thought ruefully At least now I know who to thank for my anger issues. — Justin Somper

The doctor asked me recently how I was feeling within myself, I replied, "absolutely fine doctor, but I'm terribly lonely without myself. — Benny Bellamacina

On 'Lab Rats,' I read the script probably three or four times before we ever even do a table read because I want to be completely prepared. And I want to know exactly which beats I have to hit and where I need to make something comical. Some lines need a little more than others do just to get the point across, to get the joke to be funny. — Billy Unger

He stared at Avery's socks and felt an odd sense of wonder. Socks were so normal. So mundane. How could someone who pulled on socks in the morning be a serial killer? Socks were not hard or dangerous. Socks were funny; foot mittens, that's what socks were. They made a knobbly hinge of your toes and became comical sock-puppets. Surely anyone who wore socks could not truly be a threat to him or anyone else? — Belinda Bauer

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it. — Carroll Bryant