Funny Chelsea Handler Quotes & Sayings

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places ... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it. — Chelsea Handler

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach. — Chelsea Handler

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole. — Chelsea Handler

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet. — Chelsea Handler

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky. — Chelsea Handler

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq. — Chelsea Handler

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby. — Chelsea Handler

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together. — Chelsea Handler

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests. — Chelsea Handler

I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor. — Chelsea Handler

Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you're a stand-up comedian so they're always looking for somebody funny to host an event. — Chelsea Handler

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak. — Chelsea Handler

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself. — Chelsea Handler

There's a lot of pretty funny women out there. — Chelsea Handler

I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she's really self-deprecating, which is something I like to see in a comedian. I think those are really the best comedians: people who can make fun of themselves. — Chelsea Handler

Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type. — Colin Quinn

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail. — Chelsea Handler

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers. — Chelsea Handler

Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out! — Chelsea Handler

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there? — Chelsea Handler

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better. — Chelsea Handler

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate. — Chelsea Handler

I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny. — Chelsea Handler

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life. — Chelsea Handler

I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate. — Chelsea Handler

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there. — Chelsea Handler

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them. — Chelsea Handler

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle. — Chelsea Handler

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. — Chelsea Handler

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age ... and you have your own TV show. — Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. — Chelsea Handler

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception. — Chelsea Handler

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink. — Chelsea Handler

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked. — Chelsea Handler

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second ... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order. — Chelsea Handler

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time. — Chelsea Handler

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming! — Chelsea Handler

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack. — Chelsea Handler

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people. — Chelsea Handler

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway. — Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking. — Chelsea Handler