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Funny Can't Sleep Quotes & Sayings

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Top Funny Can't Sleep Quotes

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Ali Sparkes

Good plan," Freddy was saying. "Let's get some decent sleep. Tomorrow we can shake our gravy asses into town and do some sluething. — Ali Sparkes

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Sarah J. Maas

Celaena?" Sam asked into the dark. "Should I worry about going to sleep?"
She blinked, then laughed under her breath. At least Sam took her threats somewhat seriously. — Sarah J. Maas

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Chris O'Donnell

You have a couple of buddies sleep over, and, you know, you play cops and robbers. That I'm getting paid to do it now is kind of funny. — Chris O'Donnell

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By J.D. Robb

The wife's gotta know. You can't hook up like that for what looks like about six or seven years without the wife figuring it out. Unless she's another idiot.
"I'm not an idiot."

Smiling, Roarke continued to stroke. "I'll keep that in mind when I decide to have a long-term affair."
"Yeah, you do that. They'll never find your body," she murmured, then dropped into sleep.

His smiled warmed, and feeling well loved, he dropped off with her. — J.D. Robb

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Max Barry

Did you tell me to loosen up?" He wiggled the wrench onto the third nut. "Is that funny for some reason?" "When I experience base physiological needs for food, water, air, sleep, and sex, I follow protocols in order to satisfy them without experiencing desire. Yes, it's funny." "You fucking what?" "It's required to maintain a defense against compromise. Desire is weakness. I'm sure I explained this." "Well, that sounds awesome. That sounds like a terrific life you have there, Eliot. — Max Barry

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Dora J. Arod

I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt. — Dora J. Arod

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Michael Summers

I had a dream about you last night. We watched pornography together, but purely for the storyline. — Michael Summers

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Michael Summers

I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still inside them. — Michael Summers

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Josh Ruxin

Rwandans have a funny relationship with God, which they convey through a story that anyone can tell you: "God worked very hard for six days creating the heavens and the earth. But on the seventh day, he needed a break, so he picked Rwanda as the place to take a much needed sleep. God sleeps in Rwanda, then keeps busy at work everywhere else."
This story has two meanings: The negative take is that God is not in Rwanda to protect you or answer your prayers, that He comes here only to shut His eyes. The other interpretation of "God sleeps in Rwanda" is that the country is a mile up, cooler and more beautiful than any other place, and so, naturally, this would be where God comes when He is not punching the clock. His favorite place. It was the second interpretation that we needed to believe. — Josh Ruxin

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I had a dream about you. You looked like you, but you also looked like a mannequin. And I looked like me, but I also looked like a mannequin. Between the two of us, we were too fake even for Hollywood. And as such, we were forced to reside in Washington DC. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Dashiell Hammett

Dorothy's coming up. I think she's tight."
"That's great." I picked up my bathrobe. "I was afraid I was going to have to get some sleep."
She was bending over looking for her slippers. "Don't be such an old fluff. You can sleep all day." She found her slippers and stood up in them. "Is she really as afraid of her mother as she says?"
"If she's got any sense. Mimi's poison."
Nora screwed up her dark eyes at me and asked slowly: "What are you holding out on me?"
"Oh, dear," I said, " I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you. Dorothy is really my daughter. I didn't know what I was doing, Nora. It was spring in Venice and I was so young and there was a moon over the ... "
"Be funny. Don't you want something to eat? — Dashiell Hammett

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Laurell K. Hamilton

I woke up in the hospital. Doctor Cunningham was bending over me. I thought, "We have to stop meeting like this," but didn't even try to say it out loud.
"You've lost blood and had your stitches redone. Do you think you can stay in here long enough for me
to actually release you this time?"
I think I smiled. "Yes, Doctor."
"Just in case you got any funny ideas about leaving, I've doped you up with enough pain killers to make you feel really good. So sleep, and I'll see you in the morning."
My eyes fluttered shut once, then opened. Edward was there. He bent over me and whispered, "Crawling through bushes on your belly, threatening to cut off a man's balls. Such a hard ass."
My voice came faintly even to me. "Had to save your ass."
He bent over me and kissed on my forehead. — Laurell K. Hamilton

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Dora J. Arod

I had a dream about you. You were you, but you were many - a multitude of mannequins, each named Manny. And I was me, but I was Dark Jar Tin Zoo, and as such I made love to you - all of you. Then I woke up alone, naked, cuddling a mannequin I named after you who smells like you, because I spray it with the same fragrance you used to wear. Is that crazy? No, I didn't think so either. — Dora J. Arod

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Bernard Manning

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk. — Bernard Manning

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By David Weber

Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears.
"Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn! — David Weber

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Clarice Lispector

In the chapter on the force of gravity, in elementary school, she'd invented a man with a funny disease. The force of gravity didn't work on him...So he'd fall off the earth, and keep falling evermore, because she didn't know how to give him a destiny. Where was he falling? Later she figured it out: he kept falling, falling and got used to it, eventually learning how to eat falling, sleep falling, live falling, until he died. And would he keep falling? — Clarice Lispector

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Dominique Frost

Now go to sleep. I'll wake you up when I want you."
"Should I just sleep with my legs spread or what? — Dominique Frost

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Dark Jar Tin Zoo

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Nicole McKay

I had a dream about you last night ... Well I say dream I mean nightmare ... you were a Yankee fan. — Nicole McKay

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Tracy Brogan

All he wanted was a long, hot shower and a long, deep sleep.
Meaning that whoever this pissed-off brunette was, whatever deal she'd arranged with his flaky mother, they could talk about it after he'd scrubbed the jungle from his skin and rinsed the shampoo from his hair.
"What do you mean it belongs to you? It can't belong to you. I just rented it," said the girl aiming that pink blow-dryer right at his heart.
If he wasn't so damn exhausted, he might find that funny. She was holding the thing as if it would protect her. It was a blow-dryer! He nodded at it. "What do you plan to do with that thing, honey? Style me to death? — Tracy Brogan

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Dylan Moran

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two. — Dylan Moran

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I had a dream about you. In my dream I stole all your money, kidnapped your parents, and mailed you mannequin parts spray-painted red in a series of packages that also included ransom notes. Then, towards the end of the dream, the cops surrounded my cave and swarmed in to arrest me. Sweating, my eyes shot open, and I realized it was a dream. "Of course it's a dream," I thought. "The cops have no idea where my cave is, and your first package has yet to be delivered." — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Chic Murray

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep. — Chic Murray

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Ogden Nash

No man is greater than his respect for sleep. — Ogden Nash

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By L. H. Cosway

Do you sleep in a coffin?" Okay, I admit that one was a little out of line, not to mention corny.
"Of course not," he laughs loudly. "I sleep in a bed." A pause. "Would you like to see it? — L. H. Cosway

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Sophie Kinsella

Sometimes, when I can't get to sleep, I imagine all the rules I'd invent if I ever got to be in charge of the world. — Sophie Kinsella

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Charlie Sheen

But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know. — Charlie Sheen

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By J.A. Redmerski

I say that I'm not into you like that, Camryn, because..," he pauses, searching my face, looking at my lips for a moment as if deciding whether or not he should kiss them again, " ... because you're not the girl I could only sleep with once. — J.A. Redmerski

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me, you laughed at my nakedness, and you sold me to the owner of a sex shop. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Jean Rhys

It's funny when you feel as if you don't want anything more in your life except to sleep, or else to lie without moving. That's when you can hear time sliding past you, like water running. — Jean Rhys

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Joanna Page

As soon as you meet him [james Corden], within five minutes you'll want to sleep with him. He presented me with my award for Comedy Actress of the Year at the Glamour Awards and he said such lovely things. He's so charming and he listens to you and he's funny and sensitive and adorable. I can totally see why all the women fall for him. — Joanna Page

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Amy Tan

The next world is 'segregated'? You can go to the World of Yin only if you're Chinese?"
"No-no! Miss Banner, she not Chinese, she go to Yin World. All depend what you love, what you believe. You love Jesus, go Jesus House. You love Allah, go Allah Land. You love sleep, go sleep."
"What if you don't believe in anything for sure before you die?"
"Then you go big place, like Disneyland, many places can go try
you like, you decide. No charge, of course. — Amy Tan

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Richard McCabe

It's funny: I can never sleep between shows; I think it's because I don't like to switch the motor off. I'll probably have some chicken or pasta, though never the two together, and maybe go out for a quick wander around. — Richard McCabe

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Jim Gaffigan

It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble." — Jim Gaffigan

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Donna L. Jones

Time is a funny thing, it can give and it can take away; and a single moment in time can truly change one's life forever!
The best kind of love is unexpected, unexplainable, undeniable, and unimaginable.
Your sweet scent will forever be with me, reminding me of the love we once shared. I will breathe in the memories until we meet again.
Before you act on what you have been told, consider your source. It may simply be assumption on their part, and that can be far from fact.
Why stand back and wait for someone to fail when you can stand up and offer your support?
Love is when the sound of your partner's snoring lulls you to sleep, and it acts as a reminder that they are there by your side.
Building a wall around your heart is a voluntary imprisonment to which only you have the key. Open your heart to life's possibilities! — Donna L. Jones

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Neal Stephenson

Seven billion who need to be kept happy, and docile, until the end. How do you do that? What's the best way to calm down a scared kid, get them to go back to sleep? Tell them a story. Some shit about Jesus or whatever. — Neal Stephenson

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Anna Banks

Funny how a little sleep, a little makeup, and a lot of contemplating can make you feel like a different person - a stronger version of yourself. — Anna Banks

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out. — Mitch Hedberg

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Ilona Andrews

That's all right," she told him. "I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine."
Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism. — Ilona Andrews

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Colleen Hoover

I tilt my head and ask "What firsts have we
already passed?"
"The easy ones," he says. "First hug, first date, first fight, first time we slept together,
although I wasn't the one sleeping. Now we barely have any left. First kiss. First time to
sleep together when we're both actually awake. First marriage. First kid. We're done
after that. Our lives will become mundane and boring and I'll have to divorce you and
marry a wife who's twenty years younger than me so I can have a lot more firsts and
you'll be stuck raising the kids." He bring his hand to my cheek and smile at me. "So you
see, babe? I'm only doing this for your benefit. The longer I wait to kiss you, the longer
it'll be before I'm forced to leave you high and dry. — Colleen Hoover

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By R.L. Mathewson

Her hands shot up. "See that's exactly what I'm saying. You're seeing what you want, and what you see you explain away and excuse things like you're fixing me. I'm not perfect, Ephraim and I really wish you would see that."
"You drool."
"What?" That caught her off guard.
"When you're asleep you drool. I've woken up more than a few times with a little puddle forming on my chest." After a thought he added. "And you snore. Not a delicate snore either mind you."
"I do not!" Her face colored with indignation.
He sighed heavily as if the knowledge pained him. "Oh, but you do. I've even heard Jill talk about it. Did you know that's the main reason she was happy about her room. Actually, she and Joshua thanked your Grandmother for putting you at the other end of the house, something about finally getting a decent night's sleep. They compared your snore to a chainsaw. I can see why they'd say that. — R.L. Mathewson

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Robert Asprin

Of all the various unpleasant ways to be aroused from a sound sleep, one of the worst is the noise of a dragon and a unicorn playing tag. Myth Conceptions by Robert Asprin — Robert Asprin

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Tui T. Sutherland

I really think I'd be better at, like, advanced napping techniques. — Tui T. Sutherland

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Amy Summers

I had a dream about you last night ... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs. — Amy Summers

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Jon Ronson

Please ejaculate", I silently urged the man, "so I can go to sleep". (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me — Jon Ronson

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Vanessa Lachey

It's funny because everyone says you sleep when baby sleeps or you take a nap when baby takes a nap. That's true when you have one. When you have two, that is not true. — Vanessa Lachey

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By J.R. Ward

In the Old Language, she hissed, "If any harm shall befall him, I will come after you, and find you where you sleep. I do not care where you lay your head or who with, my vengeance shall rain upon you until you drown."
That last word was drawn out, until its syllable was lost in more growling.
Dead silence.
Until Doc Jane said dryly, "Annnnd this is why they say the female of the species is more dangerous than the male. — J.R. Ward

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Jim Gaffigan

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Niall Horan

Sleep 'til you're hungry, eat 'til you're sleepy. — Niall Horan

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By David Sedaris

For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I'd squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I'm now told that this is not called "going to sleep" but rather "passing out," a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment. — David Sedaris

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Woody Allen

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself. — Woody Allen

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By David Mitchell

I put my hand on the altar rail. 'What if ... what if Heaven is real, but only in moments? Like a glass of water on a hot day when you're dying of thirst, or when someone's nice to you for no reason, or ... ' Mam's pancakes with Toblerone sauce; Dad dashing up from the bar just to tell me, 'Sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite'; or Jacko and Sharon singing 'For She's A Squishy Marshmallow' instead of 'For She's A Jolly Good Fellow' every single birthday and wetting themselves even though it's not at all funny; and Brendan giving his old record player to me instead of one of his mates. 'S'pose Heaven's not like a painting that's just hanging there for ever, but more like ... Like the best song anyone ever wrote, but a song you only catch in snatches, while you're alive, from passing cars, or ... upstairs windows when you're lost ... — David Mitchell

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Laurann Dohner

You will stay with me. You will sleep here at my side and you will touch me. I am depressed but not when you stroke my chest. — Laurann Dohner

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Charlaine Harris

Because he sounded so lost-the Eric I knew had never been one to do anything other than assume others should serve him-I patted around under the covers for his hand. When I found it, I slid my own over it. His palm was turned up to meet my palm, and his fingers clasped mine. And though I would not have thought it possible to go to sleep holding hands with a vampire, that's exactly what I did. — Charlaine Harris

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Bauvard

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people's nightmares. — Bauvard

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By K.A. Tucker

It's not funny, Kacey!" I hiss. "That guy forced himself on me!"
She rolls her eyes but then, after a long pause, she sighs. "Yeah, you're right." Reaching over, she pinches the guy's arm without hesitation. "Hey, buddy!"
"You do that to her again and I'll sneak into your room and rip your balls off while you sleep, capisce?" she warns with a pointed finger. Most times my sister's threats involve the mutilation of testicles. — K.A. Tucker

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Julie Kagawa

While I'm fixing up this idiot. I want you to get some sleep ... and tell Amano that if he bothers you, I'll break his other leg. — Julie Kagawa

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Jeri Smith-Ready

My fellow Americans, good evening. My name is Becca Goldman and I weep with all of you.
I texted one word to Megan, 'Gag'
She wrote back: 'My name is Becca Goldman, and I sleep with all of you — Jeri Smith-Ready

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Kate Sherwood

So he slips his head off of Jeff's shoulder and slides out from under Evan's Armand shuffles down to the bottom of the bed. It doesn't have a lot of dignity this part of their sleeping arrangement. He's complained about this before but Jeff just nodded, and Evan had kissed the back of his neck, and they'd both snuggled in a little tighter, pinning him in the middle even more effectively than before. — Kate Sherwood

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Dora J. Arod

I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn't tell if it was because you were sad or because you'd been laughing too hard. So I decided to find out by telling you that I'd just heard from the cops, and your mother had been murdered. Before I got to the punch line you started sobbing in a different manner, so I realized you'd been laughing earlier. By that time the mood had changed, and I decided it best not to deliver the punch line after all. So I sat down next to you and put my arm around you and tried to console you for your perceived loss. — Dora J. Arod

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Philip K. Dick

The first thing that went wrong, according to Fat, had to do with the radio. Listening to it one night- he had not been able to sleep for a long time- he heard the radio saying hideous words, sentences which it could not be saying. Beth, being asleep, missed that. So that could have been Fat's mind breaking down; by then his psyche was disintegrating at a terrible velocity.
Mental illness is not funny. — Philip K. Dick

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Terry Pratchett

Adventure! People talked about the idea as if it were something worthwhile, rather than a mess of bad food, no sleep and strange people inexplicably trying to stick pointed objects in bits of you. — Terry Pratchett

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Michael Summers

I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead — Michael Summers

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Lewis Grizzard

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. — Lewis Grizzard

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By The Undertaker

Why don't you say "What?" if you like to sleep with your own sister. — The Undertaker

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Richard Rhodes

Rather than sleep, Tibbets crawled through the thirty-foot tunnel to chat
with the waist crew, wondering if they knew what they were carrying. "A
chemist's nightmare," the tail gunner, Robert Caron, guessed, then "a
physicist's nightmare." "Not exactly," Tibbets hedged. Tibbets was leaving
by the time Caron put two and two together:
'Tibbets stayed a little longer, and then started to crawl forward up the tunnel. I remembered something else, and just as the last of the Old Man was disappearing, I sort of tugged at his foot, which was still showing. He came sliding back in a hurry, thinking maybe
something was wrong. "What's the matter?"
I looked at him and said, "Colonel, are we splitting atoms today?"
This time he gave me a really funny look, and said, "That's about it. — Richard Rhodes

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Darby Conley

It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day. — Darby Conley

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Norman Vincent Peale

America has become so tense and nervous it has been years since I have seen anyone sleep in church - and that is a sad situation. — Norman Vincent Peale

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Joseph Bologna

So to me, Texas Hold 'em puts me to sleep. At least when you play stud, you can be funny as you deal. Somebody some day is going to come up with a Stud show that's going to work. — Joseph Bologna

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Lisa McMann

So what, then? Pete? Clyde?"
Cabel rolls over, pretending to sleep.
"It's Fred, isn't it?"
"Janie. Stop."
"You named your thing Janie?" She giggles.
Cabel groans deeply. "Go to sleep. — Lisa McMann

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Stephenie Meyer

Leah: "That is easily the freakin' grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Yuck. If there was anything in my stomach, it would be coming back."
Seth: "They are vampires, I guess. I mean, it makes sense, and if it helps Bella, it's a good thing, right?"
Leah and Jake stare at Seth.
Seth: "What?"
Leah: "Mom dropped him a lot when he was a baby."
Jake: "On his head apparently."
Leah: "He used to gnaw on the crib bars, too."
Jake: "Lead paint?"
Leah: "Looks like it."
Seth: "Funny. Why don't you two shut up and sleep? — Stephenie Meyer

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Jeff Hirsch

It's four A.M.! Who goes to bed this early!? — Jeff Hirsch

Funny Can't Sleep Quotes By Pamela Palmer

Tighe took control of his thoughts.
"You need to use the bathroom. When I tell you to, go into the house. Two cats will try to come
in with you. You must let them in. Don't allow anyone to stop them. Once inside the house, you'll
go into the bathroom and close the door, pull down your pants, then curl up on the floor and go to
sleep."
The bastard's career would be over when they caught him, literally, with his pants down. But he
deserved it for kicking a cat. — Pamela Palmer