Funny Born Quotes & Sayings

So unless we're going to get down on our knees and give thanks every time disaster misses, it makes no sense to moan when it strikes. Us, or anyone else. Because we're not comparing it with anything.
And anyway, we're all dead, or never born, and the whole thing really is a dream.
There, you see. That's a funny side. — Hugh Laurie

You should have been born a poet," she whispered as she pulled away.
"Screw that," he laughed as he placed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "I'd rather be a porn star," he said — Amelia Hutchins

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy! — Rodney Dangerfield

Not all babies are cute when they're born no matter how many new parents try to convince you otherwise. This is yet another lie the half-baked "theys" lead you to believe. Some babies are born looking like old men with wrinkled faces, age spots, and a receding hairline. When I was born, my father George took my hospital picture over to his friend Tim's house while my mom was still recuperating in the hospital. Tim took one look at my picture and said, "Oh sweet Jesus, George. You better hope she's smart." It was no different with my son, Gavin. He was funny looking. I was his mother, so I could say that. He had a huge head, no hair, and his ears stuck out so far I often wondered if they worked like the Whisper 2000, and he was able to pick up conversations from a block away. — Tara Sivec

Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum. — Christopher Titus

Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born. — Dakota Dawn

I was not born with English in my pocket. — Santosh Kalwar

We're born to die, but don't know why or what it's all about
And, the more we try to learn, the less we know.
Life's a very funny proposition, you can bet,
And no one's ever solved the problem properly, as yet;
Young for a day, then old and gray,
Like the rose that buds and blooms, and fades and falls away.
Losing health, to gain our wealth, as through this dream we tour;
Ev'rything's a guess and nothing's absolutely sure.
Battles exciting, and fates we're fighting, until the curtain fall;
Life's a very funny proposition, after all. — George M. Cohan

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. — Norman Wisdom

Some people are born to fandom, others have fandom thrust upon them. — Nenia Campbell

Yes! Very funny this terrible thing is. A man that is born falls into a dream like a man who falls into the sea. If he tries to climb out into the air as inexperienced people endeavour to do, he drowns
nicht wahr?
... No! I tell you! The way is to the destructive element submit yourself, and with the exertions of your hands and feet in the water make the deep, deep sea keep you up.
So if you ask me
how to be? — Joseph Conrad

I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he's going to come back and want our first-born child or something."
Daemon waggled his brows. "You want kids? Because you know, practice makes
"
"Shut up." I shook my head and started walking. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

When you are a kid, playing with the other kids on your street, and everyone is fighting over who they are going to be, you have to call dibs early, as soon as you see one another, pretty much as soon as you step outside your house, even if you're halfway down the block. First dibs gets Hans Solo. Everyone knows that. You don't even have to say it. If you are first, you are Han Solo, period, end of story ... I was never totally sure why everyone wanted to be Han Solo. Maybe it was because he wasn't born into it, like Luke, with the birthright and the natural talent for the Force and the premade story. Solo had to make his own story. He was a freelance protagonist, a relatively ordinary guy who got to the major leagues by being quick with a gun and a joke. He was, basically, a hero because he was funny. — Charles Yu

Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing. — Carol Burnett

All my life I've been a lady bruiser, a wrong chooser, school refuser, drug abuser, born loser; clothes bummy, nose runny, it wasn't funny — Big L

He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus. — Marc Maron

No, no, no! I am not giving birth backstage at a rock concert. I need to be in a hospital, pumped full of every drug that they can legally give me!
I was so shocked, my only repsonse was,
'Well, he was conceived backstage at a concert, so it's sort of fitting for him to be born at one. — S.C. Stephens

It's always been this way. There were rumors about me even before I was born. It's why my mother never calls me Sobachka. She says it makes me sound like a mongrel."
My heart gave a little pang at that. I'd been called plenty of names growing up.
"I like mongrels," I said. "They have cute floppy ears."
"My ears are very dignified. — Leigh Bardugo

I've seen pretty much all the 'Peter Pan's except for one of the further back ones where the boy had curly hair. I can't remember. I really loved the 2003 version. I really loved that one because that was around the year I was born. That's quite funny. — Levi Miller

I often say if men were meant to fly we would have been born with either feathers and wings or at the very least parachutes that pop out of our butts. — John Zakour

Emma says after I was born I cried for days. She said I'd never shut up which is funny really because Dad says I never shut up now so maybe that's what happens, you get born and act the same your whole life. — Steven Herrick

The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up"
"There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly ... "My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!"
"And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in. — J.K. Rowling

I find it endlessly interesting, endlessly funny, the fact that we're rather arbitrarily divided up into these discrete humans and that your physical self, your physical attributes, your moment of history and the place where you were born determine who you are as much as all that indefinable stuff that's inside of you. — Deborah Eisenberg

I brought you some pictures of my work," he said proudly. His name was William Weinstein, which may have explained why he left Jews off his hate list. He had been born in Brooklyn, and moved to Santa Fe ten years before. He took an envelope out of his pocket, rifled through some pictures, and handed them to Paris. They were ten-foot phallic symbols made of clay. The man had penises on the brain. "It's very interesting work," Paris said, pretending to be impressed. "Do you use live models?" she asked more in jest, and he nodded. "Actually, I use my own." He thought that hysterically funny and laughed so hard he almost coughed himself to death. Along with the clay under his nails, enough of it to create another sculpture, his fingers were stained with nicotine. "Do you like to ride?" "Yes, but I haven't in a long time. Do you? — Danielle Steel

I suppose I should start in the beginning - March 2010. No, that wasn't when I was born. It was when I began to live. Most people think I'm crazy - maybe I am. You see I began to live the day my life was taken away. Funny, I don't remember how it happened. I do know now, it never could've been stopped. — Aleatha Romig

I was born in Paris in the mid-1960s, and by the time I was 12 I had started going to the movies by myself. Most of the movies of that period never appealed to me. I didn't like the 'naturalism,' the sad or the 'down-to-earth' characters. What I wanted from film was fantasy, dreams, funny situations, extravagant decor - and beautiful women. — Christian Louboutin

I'm a born-again atheist. — Gore Vidal

When I was born I owed twelve dollars. — George S. Kaufman

His eyes widened. Oh, hell, you think I'm going to let him bite me? No way. It's too risky and way too guy. — C.C. Hunter

HYSTERICAL HISTORY Bumping into Vincent O'Neil makes me think about what Uncle Frankie said. I need new material for Boston, not Vincent's stale and stinky fart jokes from The Big Book of Butt Bugles and Blampfs. So I keep my eyes open for new concepts to work out as I go to history class that afternoon. We're supposed to give a presentation on our favorite president. I chose Millard Fillmore. Why? Because nobody else will. Plus, his name is funny. Who knows? Maybe I'll get a whole bit out of him for Boston. I roll to the front of the class and prop a portrait of President Fillmore on the flip-chart easel. "Millard Fillmore was the thirteenth president of the United States. Born in January 1800, he was named after a duck. No, I'm sorry. That was his brother Mallard Fillmore. Millard Fillmore was the last member of the Whig Party to ever hold the office of president. Probably because they all wore wigs. — James Patterson

It's funny how sometimes how the public some people think I was born like this. That I maybe I sleep and I do big muscle, but its a lot of work to look like this and to be in this kind of condition. — Lou Ferrigno

I'd seen weirder things than a haunted shoe, but not many. — Richelle Mead

Time rushes by and yet time is frozen. Funny how we get so exact about time at the end of life and at its beginning. She died at 6:08 or 3:46, we say, or the baby was born at 4:02. But in between we slosh through huge swatches of time
weeks, months, years, decades even. — Helen Prejean

The other part of me wanted to get out and stay out, but this was the part I never listened to. Because if I ever had I would have stayed in the town where I was born and worked in the hardware store and married the boss's daughter and had five kids and read them the funny paper on Sunday morning and smacked their heads when they got out of line and squabbled with the wife about how much spending money they were to get and what programs they could have on the radio or TV set. I might even get rich - small-town rich, an eight-room house, two cars in the garage, chicken every Sunday and the Reader's Digest on the living room table, the wife with a cast-iron permanent and me with a brain like a sack of Portland cement. You take it, friend. I'll take the big sordid dirty crooked city. — Raymond Chandler

It was all very strange, Mr. Gray thought, as he wiped the coffee canister clean with a sponge. Very, very mysterious. You were born; you lived a whole life; and at the end, you wound up in a coffee canister.
"Ah, well," he said out loud quietly. "That's just the way things are. Life's a funny business." Death, he supposed, was the punch line. — Lauren Oliver

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job. — Doug Stanhope

I think we're the only jokeless show on television. I mean really, we have no setups and no punch lines. It's not a joke show. There are funny lines and funny moments but again the comedy is born of the human experience and awkward pauses are a great part of what it is to be human. — Rainn Wilson

It all began when ... they're funny, those words. Everyone uses them, without thinking what they mean. When does anything begin? With everyone it begins when you're born. Or before that, when your parents got married. Or before that, when your parents were born. Or when your ancestors colonised the place. Or when humans came squishing out of the mud and slime, dropped off their flippers and fins, and started to walk. But all the same, all that aside, for what's happened to us there was quite a definite beginning — John Marsden

I said: All right, talk, but do you mind putting the gun away? My wife doesn't care, but I'm pregnant and I don't want the child to be born with ... — Dashiell Hammett

It's funny what happens to you when part of your heart gets born inside somebody else. — Donald Miller

Scottish Play Doe was born at 4:13 a.m. on September 6th. The ink was barely dry on his father's new tattoo. — Adam Rex

I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up! — Mitch Hedberg

When were you born?"
"Huh?" She scrunched up her nose at the sudden change in topic.
"Your sign?" He insisted.
She thought it must be a joke. Wasn't that a bad pickup line from the '70s? — Joannah Miley

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart. — Adam Ferrara

Man is born for uprightness. If a man lose his uprightness and yet live, his escape from death is mere good fortune. — Confucius

But even this gives rise to another central tenet, attendant to the Comedy Is Good myth: Comedy Is Hard. Certainly well-rendered comedy is hard. All things done well require practice and work. But for the most funny people, being funny is as inevitable as being double-jointed; it is a worldview formed long before words. One is born funny. The adage, as is, is incomplete. It should be Comedy is hard ... if you're not funny. Pirouettes are almost impossible ... without legs. Jokes can be honed, made better, tighter, and cleaner, and people can even be made funnier. But you can't really make someone funny who isn't. — David Rakoff

I was born to be funny. — Buddy Hackett

That boy may have been born on third base but he sure as shit ain't scored a triple. — Sarah Hall

Congratulations to your mom and dad for birth of a sweet child!

Sorry that I couldn't wish them when you were born. — Hasil Paudyal

The reading public isn't born that doesn't think foreigners are either funny or faintly sinister. — Christopher Hitchens

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. — Jon Stewart

Eddie Murphy is just so off-the-cuff and can make anything funny. You hope that someday you'll acquire that skill, but maybe you're born with that. — Michael Pena

Nix had told Emma before she'd left for Europe that on this trip she would 'do that which you were born to do.' Apparently, Emma was born to get kidnapped by a deranged Lykae. Her fate sucked. — Kresley Cole

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony. — Milton Jones

It's a funny thing about life, I think we're born square and we die round — Daniel Gottlieb

How in the world do you tellyour wife that her mother was born a unicon? — Bruce Coville

Love is about bottomless empathy, born out of the heart's revelation that another person is every bit as real as you are. And this is why love, as I understand it, is always specific. Trying to love all of humanity may be a worthy endeavor, but, in a funny way, it keeps the focus on the self, on the self's own moral or spiritual well-being. Whereas, to love a specific person, and to identify with his or her struggles and joys as if they were your own, you have to surrender some of your self. — Jonathan Franzen

The world, every day, is New. Only for those born in, say, 1870 or so, can there be a meaningful use of the term postmodernism, because for the rest of us we are born and we see and from what we see and digest we remake our world. And to understand it we do not need to label it, categorize it. These labels are slothful and dismissive, and so contradict what we already know about the world, and our daily lives. We know that in each day, we laugh, and we are serious. We do both, in the same day, every day. But in our art we expect clear distinction between the two ... But we don't label our days Serious Days or Humorous Days. We know that each day contains endless nuances - if written would contain dozens of disparate passages, funny ones, sad ones, poignant ones, brutal ones, the terrifying and the cuddly. But we are often loathe to allow this in our art. And that is too bad ... — Dave Eggers

I'm often asked where I get my ideas. For this story, the hero and the heroine have a rather unconventional start - they meet when she falls on him through a hole in the ceiling while he's standing before the toilet. Funny, but not very romantic. Not too long ago, I was at a writers' meeting. In the bathroom, far above me, there was a hole. It flapped open, revealing a dark, yawning space. As I sat there contemplating this hole, I wondered what would happen if a really, really gorgeous man fell through it. One didn't, darn it, but a story was born. — Jill Shalvis

You mean to tell me, you believe that Jesus was born by Mary without having sex? You believe that Jesus walked on water, he turned water into wine. You believe he made a blind man see, and made a dead man come back to life? This is funny, you believe that Jesus died on a cross and three days later came back to life, then moved a big rock to free himself. You believe THAT!!! But you can't believe in yourself??? When all he did was for you to believe. — Vincent Edwards

I mean, my age is just a number. So what if you were born in the era when they still used rotary phones and cassette tapes? I think it's cute. — T.S. Krupa

She already had a headache-she didn't want to add 'get tortured' to today's to-do list. — C.C. Hunter

Polly Esther Doe was born at 8:03 a.m. on August 14. — Adam Rex

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life. — Bauvard

Dear Mommy
I'm doing really good,
I get all A's in school
And I don't cry at bedtime anymore,
Though my new mom said I could.
I remember how much you hate tears,
You slapped them out of me
To make me strong,
I think it worked.
I learned to use a microscope
And my hair grew two inches.
It's pretty, just like yours.
I'm not allowed to clean the house,
Only my own room,
Isn't that a funny rule?
You say kids are so much trouble
Getting born, they better pay it back.
I'm not supposed to take care
Of the other kids, only me, I sort of like it.
I still get the hole in my stomach
When I do something wrong,
I have a saying on my mirror
"Kids make mistakes, It's OK,"
I read it every day,
Sometimes I even believe it.
I wonder if you ever think of me
Or if you're glad the troublemaker's gone,
I never want to see you again.
I love you, Mommy. — Karyl McBride

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through. — Rodney Dangerfield

We all die at the end, but does that nullify everything? Would most people rather say, "I wish I hadn't been born?" Once you're born you'll have to die, now is that funny or sad? — John Cleese

Excuse me, Tex, the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babies being born in this hospital. We wouldn't want the first sound they hear to be your painful howling. There could be lawsuits. — Eoin Colfer