Foxworthy Quotes & Sayings

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge. — Jeff Foxworthy

Redneck is: the glorious absence of sophistication — Jeff Foxworthy

You just may be a redneck if your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if it's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. — Jeff Foxworthy

I think for one thing, kids are a lot smarter now then we ever were. — Jeff Foxworthy

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up. — Jeff Foxworthy

If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck — Jeff Foxworthy

It's sad when you see somebody that talented that passes away and doesn't have to. — Jeff Foxworthy

My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you dated your daddy's current wife in high school. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it. — Jeff Foxworthy

All these years I've sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them. — Jeff Foxworthy

Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning. — Jeff Foxworthy

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'You know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty. — Jeff Foxworthy

Women in bed are like Diesel engines. What I mean by that is, it may take them a while to get going, but when you do, they can go for a long, long time. Whereas men are like ... bottle rockets. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you use a radiator hose to fix your kitchen sink. — Jeff Foxworthy

There's no down time any more. — Jeff Foxworthy

If you think a quaterhorse is that ride in front of Kmart.. You might be a rednneck — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if ... you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. — Jeff Foxworthy

It seems like movies that have heart to them always do well, and they find their audience. — Jeff Foxworthy

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same. — Jeff Foxworthy

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT! — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog. — Jeff Foxworthy

When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex. — Jeff Foxworthy

Sacrificing myself to kill Hilary Clinton was the best thing I could possibly do for humanity — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. — Jeff Foxworthy

How is a redneck divorce similar to a tornado?
You know that somewhere, somehow, someone is gonna lose a trailer. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car. — Jeff Foxworthy

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more. — Jeff Foxworthy

I'm having my house repainted and we have a piano in the corner and the painter says, Is that y'all's piano? I said, No, that's our coffee table; it just has buck teeth. Here's Your Sign. — Jeff Foxworthy

That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass. — Jeff Foxworthy

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't juicy. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. — Jeff Foxworthy

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if when you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. — Jeff Foxworthy

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. — Jeff Foxworthy

Country music is about new love and it's about old love. — Jeff Foxworthy

My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot! — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you have started a petition to change the National Anthem to Georgia on My Mind. — Jeff Foxworthy

I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry's made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he'd gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture. — Jeff Foxworthy

Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it. — Jeff Foxworthy

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids. — Jeff Foxworthy

Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police! — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock. — Jeff Foxworthy

Barbara was actually Jeff Foxworthy's interior designer when we first met. So, not only was Jeff responsible for my success in my career, he also introduced me to the woman who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, which, I think, makes us even. — Ron White

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you think a chain saw is a musical instrument. — Jeff Foxworthy

The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up ... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord ... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!' — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels. — Jeff Foxworthy

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. — Jeff Foxworthy

If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. — Jeff Foxworthy

It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went Oww! What was that for?, and she goes I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill. I said I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy. — Jeff Foxworthy

I'm two decisions away from putting up drywall for a living. I am, and there's nothing wrong with that, but whatever I got, it's through the grace of God, and I've got to use it right. — Jeff Foxworthy

I think with a comedian, when you get to the point of a greatest hits, it's kind of an acknowledgment that you've been doing stand-up a long time, which not very many people do. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light — Jeff Foxworthy

If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck. — Jeff Foxworthy

I teach a Bible study for homeless guys in downtown Atlanta every week. Been doing it for years. That's the guys I'd rather go talk to. I'd rather take my act outside the church. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if ... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. — Jeff Foxworthy

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it. — Jeff Foxworthy

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. — Jeff Foxworthy

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. — Jeff Foxworthy

If most people wanted to be incognito, they put on a fake beard or mustache. If I wanted to I'd just shave mine off. — Jeff Foxworthy

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day ... to whip our ass. — Jeff Foxworthy

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist. — Jeff Foxworthy

I know God is real. — Jeff Foxworthy

The only negative about doing stand-up is that you're on the road by yourself. When you're on the road with comics we just crack each other up every night going, "Can you believe they're paying us to do this? They're crazy." — Jeff Foxworthy

If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married. — Jeff Foxworthy

Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if directions to your house include turn off the paved road. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if your primary source of income is the pawn shop. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. — Jeff Foxworthy

I actually had a chance to be in Delta Farce, but I couldn't do it because I read the script. — Jeff Foxworthy

If someone at Fleet Farm offers you assistance and they don't work there you might live in Wisconsin. — Jeff Foxworthy

I always wore cowboy boots and drove a truck, and talked like this. So everywhere I would go in comedy people would say, "Foxworthy, you ain't nothing but a redneck from Georgia!" It kind of became a formula joke. — Jeff Foxworthy

I'm very lucky in that I've gotten to do a lot of things. But if you ever put a gun to my head and said, "You can only do one," I'd think it would be stand-up. I think it's the coolest job in the world. — Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if the tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men. — Jeff Foxworthy