Fallon Quotes & Sayings

The White House announced that President Obama will attend a summit in Kenya this July. When asked if he's ever been to Kenya, Obama said, 'Of course. I was born - no, bored - over there. There's nothing to do in Kenya.' — Jimmy Fallon

It was "Boom Boom" Dupont who had ripped Kit out of the Humvee after the IED went off, the IED that turned the entire undercarriage of his truck into a fiery wall that consumed the five men inside. — Siobhan Fallon

A new study found that women think men holding a guitar are more attractive, even if they are not playing it. In a related story, guys with an accordion will die alone. — Jimmy Fallon

Ten Delta Airlines baggage handlers were arrested for smuggling drugs into Detroit. Yeah, you can tell Delta was involved, because the drugs were supposed to be smuggled into Chicago. — Jimmy Fallon

Now that the midterm elections are over, President Obama has invited congressional leaders from both parties to a meeting at the White House tomorrow. When asked if he's nervous, Obama said, 'Oh, I'm not going to be there. I just invited them over. They can figure it out themselves.' — Jimmy Fallon

On 'Late Night,' it's like we're all in on the joke. That's what I wanted it to be. I'm not doing something sneaky. Inside jokes, I don't like those. We can all ride together, and everyone's on the same thing going, 'Aha, I know where you're going here.' — Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked. — Jimmy Fallon

I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. — Jimmy Fallon

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic. — Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz raised over a million dollars after announcing that he's running for president. Which is why today RadioShack announced that it is also running for president. — Jimmy Fallon

Anything I learned was just work hard, just keep working and don't worry about the outside stuff. Whatever happens will happen. — Jimmy Fallon

Piper giggled. "Right! Man, that one guy, the one with no teeth, whoa! If he just kept his mouth shut the whole time, I could probably holler at him."
Audrey giggle as she shook her head. "Yeah, he is, but did you see Anderson? My God, Fallon was right, total eye candy. I could suck on him like a Blow Pop! — Toni Aleo

At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can't rap. When they heard, Americans said, 'Good!' — Jimmy Fallon

Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it's now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks. — Jimmy Fallon

Rand Paul is officially running for president. He even revealed his campaign slogan, which is 'Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.' It's hard to tell if he's running for president or doing an infomercial for Bowflex. — Jimmy Fallon

Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as 'Hispanic' on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush said, 'Si.' — Jimmy Fallon

This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone. — Jimmy Fallon

I grew up in Cazenovia, N.Y. I'm the second of five children, with three sisters and a brother. — Siobhan Fallon Hogan

Hillary Clinton was actually inducted into the Irish American Hall of Fame yesterday. Hillary said she's very proud of her Irish heritage or her Italian heritage or her Asian heritage. Whatever it takes to seal the deal with you guys. I've got to get into that Oval Office. — Jimmy Fallon

Lincoln Chafee, former governor of Rhode Island, announced he's running for president. Before he announced he's running, his wife went on Facebook and asked his staff if they remembered his password. Because if a Facebook password is too hard to remember, the launch codes for the nukes should be a piece of cake. — Jimmy Fallon

Today Carly Fiorina announced that she is running for president. Someone else bought 'CarlyFiorina' and posted 30,000 sad emoticons to represent all the people she laid off at Hewlett-Packard. I haven't seen that many sad, blank faces in one place since the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. — Jimmy Fallon

'Moldova: Yes or No?' That's a great app, and we actually used the geo-locator on your phone, so if you are in Moldova, it will say 'Yes, you're in Moldova.' I'm so excited. People need that. That's the whole point. The whole reason you buy a $500 phone is to see if you are ... in Moldova. Or not. — Jimmy Fallon

Senate Democrats blocked President Obama's trade bill yesterday because they're worried it could hurt jobs. It's not an issue for Republicans, since they've all found work as presidential candidates. — Jimmy Fallon

I'm not saying a hunt isn't something we crave, but to a man, we hate to be manipulated. And this is our town, as much as any human's. Our home, and our neighbours and perhaps even our friends. You fall into the trap of thinking as Fallon does, that there are only heroes and villains, monsters and victims, and nothing between. We all stand in that space, crossing the line to one side, then the other. Even you. — Rachel Caine

Thank you ... adjustable baseball caps with no logo on the front and mesh netting in the back, for being a great way to say, 'Hi, I'm over 80 years old.' — Jimmy Fallon

I am a fan of 'SNL' and a big Jimmy Fallon fan, too. — Julian Casablancas

I didn't think it was going to be this fun. But everything just gets heightened when you have a baby. The volume gets turned up on life. I never knew I could be this happy, and that's the truth. — Jimmy Fallon

Rachel Dolezal stepped down from her position as president of an NAACP chapter after it was revealed that she was a white woman pretending to be black. Now her brother says he knew about it but she asked him not to blow her cover. Unfortunately, her cover had already been blown by God when he made her a blond-haired, blue-eyed white lady. — Jimmy Fallon

I read that yesterday, the Mexican peso hit its lowest point since March of 2009. In fact, things got so bad, it was seen leaving a bar with the American dollar. — Jimmy Fallon

It's Friday. That's one reason to celebrate. Also, it's the first day in a long time when no one declared they're running for president. — Jimmy Fallon

The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, 'Uh, make the sidewalk lower?' — Jimmy Fallon

And I hold her for so long, I have no idea if it's still November 9th anymore or if it's the 10th now. But the date doesn't matter, because I'm going to love her through every single one of them. — Colleen Hoover

You gonna make it? Fallon asked Brody, eyeing him. He looked two steps from the grave. Well, if I don't, you guys feel free to eat me. A little meat would do you good. These damn veggies ain't doing shit. — Shandy L. Kurth

I love Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel. — Mike Birbiglia

Christine O'Donnell released a commercial in which she says, 'I'm not a witch.' That's pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent's slogan, 'I'm not Christine O'Donnell.' — Jimmy Fallon

Don't Keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason — Jimmy Fallon

A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you. — Jimmy Fallon

You know the greatest thing about working on 'Fallon?' I get so many anonymous gifts. — Questlove

Thank you ... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports. — Jimmy Fallon

I have loved you since I first laid eyes on you Fallon, and I haven't stopped. — Toni Aleo

Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them. — Jimmy Fallon

In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, 'Hillary's going to do great.' — Jimmy Fallon

I think you just look for the person you have the most fun with. And that's enough. You realize, "Wait, I can just keep having fun with her forever?" Yes, you can do that. That is the key. — Jimmy Fallon

Whoever said the truth hurts was being an optimist. The truth is an excruciatingly painful son of a bitch. — Colleen Hoover

A group called the Texas Tea Party Patriots is hosting a debate next month where Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will go head to head, while people watching that will go head to pillow. — Jimmy Fallon

This weekend the Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, featured several speakers including Sarah Palin and Phil Robertson from 'Duck Dynasty.' It was a good weekend for conservatives - and a great weekend for wild animals. — Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump announced that he's running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be 'the greatest jobs president that God ever created.' Then God said, 'Hey, don't drag me into this publicity stunt.' — Jimmy Fallon

Halloween is tomorrow. A group of wine experts has actually come up with a list of the best wines to pair with Halloween candy. They say, White wine goes great with Skittles, red wine goes great with Twix, and ... we're alcoholics, aren't we? — Jimmy Fallon

Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball. — Jimmy Fallon

I'm so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I'm a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable. — Jimmy Fallon

New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That's encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I've got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs. — Jimmy Fallon

You've never had a job that you thought was secure. You don't think the Tonight Show is risk free. Especially when you saw what happened with your buddy Conan O'Brien. There is always a Plan B.I am ready to apply to the post office. — Jimmy Fallon

It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives. — Jimmy Fallon

I said I don't want to know," Kailani said firmly, her voice suddenly too loud. Cristina sat back into the bench, her eyes wide and disappointed. Then Ana started waving wildly, her small hand arcing for her mother's undivided attention, and, as Kailani watched in silence, the child slipped safely down the slide."
Kailani to Cristina — Siobhan Fallon

Everybody always asks about Jimmy Fallon. I'm sorry to say that he's very nice and there's not much bad to say about him. I don't know if he sucks at videogames or not. I don't think he plays them, but he could have this whole secret life I don't know about. — Rachel Dratch

As you can imagine, with Hillary Clinton being here, security is very tight. The Secret Service has been here all day sweeping the halls, the offices, the hard drives ... It's tight. — Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans. — Jimmy Fallon

I don't really say, 'Is this script Catholic or not?'. But if I find it to be immoral, or it doesn't sit right with me, which happens a lot these days because there's a lot of garbage being written ... I'm like, 'I'm not doing this.' — Siobhan Fallon Hogan

I look up to Jimmy Fallon. He hosts talk shows as a fan himself, and that's how I do it. When the celebrities come in, I'm excited that they're there. It's not just like a formal, 'Hey, how are ya?' It's like, 'Dude, what the hell! So happy to see you!' That's what Jimmy Fallon does every time. — Vinny Guadagnino

It would've been amazing [to work as programmer]. You're good at numbers, you're good with people, you like to wear shorts in the summertime. — Jimmy Fallon

A Miami judge issued Florida's first gay marriage license yesterday, which makes it the 36th state to legally perform gay marriages. Of course, most Florida residents are too old to understand what that means. They'll say, 'Well, I think all marriages should be gay, and merry.' — Jimmy Fallon

I'm always praying for a part that would be something that I could be really proud of, in which I could use the gifts God gave me in a positive way. — Siobhan Fallon Hogan

My father was one of 11. He was an attorney. My mother worked for the Syracuse newspaper as a columnist before she became a stay-at-home mother. — Siobhan Fallon Hogan

People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a first-term senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, 'Hey, whoever slips through slips through. No promises.' — Jimmy Fallon

My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn't let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got me a basketball hoop and put it in the middle of the lawn! You can't dribble on grass. — Jimmy Fallon

I didn't ask to be born!"
"No, but I asked." He was breathing hard. His eyes hard and glinting with a fire that burned straight through me. "I asked for you every day of my life! — Airicka Phoenix

But that isn't the strangest part," Fallon said. He peered down the corridor, as if to make sure Philip wasn't nearby.
Then he turned to Charlotte. "He's started thanking me, Your Grace." His beetled eyebrows pulled low. "When I iron the paper, he thanks me. When I announce a visitor, he thanks me. Why, he even thanked me the other day for opening the door. 'Thank you, Fallon,' he says. — Ashley March

I love Nashville. I've been here so many times ... oh man, I would stay here for a year if I could. It's just so much fun. — Jimmy Fallon

Officials from the soccer organization FIFA, which decides which cities get to host the World Cup, are accused of accepting bribes when making their decision. Of course the toughest part for the soccer officials was taking bribes without using their hands. — Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump's not backing down. Yesterday he said he doesn't need to be lectured by the other Republican candidates, who he says have no business running for president. Not to be confused with Donald Trump, who ran for president and now has no business. — Jimmy Fallon

Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America, where even Ebola is more popular than soccer. — Jimmy Fallon

It's something I worry about when I'm working out. I don't want to get too fit. Because I don't want the new DaVinci of this Millennium to say, "You. I have found my muse. I have to sculpt you." — Jimmy Fallon

Sometimes in a movie, the lines are so perfect. — Jimmy Fallon

Why are they denying it?" Larena laid her head on Fallon's shoulder. "He's denying it. She's just trying to hold herself together in the face of what he's done. — Donna Grant

Two meh minutes of my life I'll never see again." Fallon snorted. "His basement couch had more of a thrill than I did. — Naima Simone

Thank you slow-walking family in front of me on the sidewalk. No, please, take your time. And definitely spread out, too, so you create a barricade of idiots. I am so thankful that you forced me to walk into the street and risk getting hit by a car in order to pass you so I could resume walking at a normal human pace. — Jimmy Fallon

For the universe holds no greater wonder than the developing child, — Sally Fallon Morell

After facing backlash from customers, Subway says it will remove a chemical in its bread that is also found in yoga mats. Some people were like, 'You mean I've been eating a dangerous chemical?' While most people were like, 'You mean I can eat my yoga mat?' — Jimmy Fallon

To me you have to commit yourself to the sacrifice, because it's so important. Even if people don't agree, they appreciate commitment. — Ed Fallon

Apparently, the Obamas chose New York City because they've gotten so used to people trying to break into their house. — Jimmy Fallon

The film 'Boyhood' won the Golden Globe for best drama. It follows one guy's journey over the course of 12 years - or as Mitt Romney calls that, 'running for president.' — Jimmy Fallon

In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, 'Yeah, that's how families work.' — Jimmy Fallon

This week the Obama administration warned China to remove its secret agents from the U.S. Then in the middle of Obama's announcement a plant behind him got up and walked away. — Jimmy Fallon

According to a new report, since he's been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now, I know it seems like the perfect story for a Chris Christie joke but I'm actually on a Chris Christie joke diet. So nothing for me, thanks. — Jimmy Fallon

Jeb Bush's brother Neil said that their mother has 'come around' to the idea of Jeb running for president in 2016. Because if there's anything that says you're qualified to be president, it's your own mom saying, 'I guess you could do it.' — Jimmy Fallon

Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing. — Jimmy Fallon

So whether or not you can find it in your heart to love me again, I needed to thank you for saving me. And if there is any part of you capable of forgiving me, you know where I'll be. Tonight, next year, the next, for eternity. The choice is yours. — Colleen Hoover

Republican Scott Brown lost his bid for Senate in New Hampshire last night, two years after he was voted out as Senator in Massachusetts. When asked what he was planning to do next, he said, 'Are they still looking for a mayor in Toronto?' — Jimmy Fallon

That's right, Mitt Romney took on Evander Holyfield in a boxing match for charity, and it was a pretty one-sided fight. But it was still not the worst boxing match we've seen this month. This weekend Vladimir Putin played in an exhibition hockey game with some former NHL players and scored eight goals. Even Evander Holyfield and Mitt Romney said, 'That looks fake.' — Jimmy Fallon

Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch. — Andy Kindler

Be safe, she whispered. Then she closed her eyes and said in a low, broken monotone, I love you.
Kailani
Siobhan Fallon — Siobhan Fallon

Hillary Clinton is receiving criticism after telling a crowd to 'unlock their full potential,' because that line is commonly used by another possible candidate, Carly Fiorina. People said, 'You can't just steal someone's slogan like that!' And Hillary said, 'Yes we can!' — Jimmy Fallon

You run on the treadmill. But you need to stop watching The Food Network when you're doing it. That is how you torture yourself. — Jimmy Fallon

Fallon and I were a lot like them. Only I didn't love her, and she didn't love me. I was infatuated with her once - and loved that she let me take my pubescent urges out on her - but we weren't in love. — Penelope Douglas

I don't want to admit it, but I do enjoy the feedback from the audience. It's instant feedback. It's like, you could do a movie, shoot it for a year, wait six months, it comes out and you gotta do three weeks of marketing. Three weeks of that, and everyone goes, 'It sucks.' — Jimmy Fallon

It's all about the script. Reality is key to me and less cutesy. — Jimmy Fallon

He [Jock Stein] phoned and asked me to come over and see him one night Hibs were playing at home to Aberdeen. You know Im coming as manager, he said, and I know youll be disappointed. But I want to reciprocate for you making me your deputy by asking you to become my assistant. — Sean Fallon

Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House. — Jimmy Fallon

Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one. — Jimmy Fallon

I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named "Jihad." Or as the TSA put it, "Hope you like Amtrak! — Jimmy Fallon