Erma Quotes & Sayings

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity. — Erma Bombeck

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween. — Erma Bombeck

Okies who had just stepped into the corridor long enough to get a tin can of water for our boiling radiator. There are other stories, other dilemmas, but the characters never change. We're always standing around, unwashed, uncurled, harried, penniless, memory gone, no lipstick, no hose, unmatched shoes, and using the dirtiest cloth in the house to bind our wounds. Makes — Erma Bombeck

With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. — Erma Bombeck

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. — Erma Bombeck

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this. — Erma Bombeck

Grandmas can shed the yoke of responsibility, relax and enjoy their grandchildren in a way that was not possible when they were raising their own children. And they can glow in the realisation that here is their seed of life that will harvest generations to come. — Erma Bombeck

Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach." False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos. — Erma Bombeck

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused. — Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows. — Erma Bombeck

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. — Erma Bombeck

When humor go's, there go's civilization. — Erma Bombeck

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. — Erma Bombeck

[On her father's death:] I didn't know his leaving would hurt so much. — Erma Bombeck

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus. — Erma Bombeck

Housework can kill you if done right. — Erma Bombeck

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. — Erma Bombeck

The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence. — Erma Bombeck

I loved you enough to accept you for what you are, not what I wanted you to be. — Erma Bombeck

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. — Erma Bombeck

Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one. — Erma Bombeck

This is Sadie," he told his father, tucking a hand around Lia's waist as he introduced her by her alias of choice. "And by the door, we have Esmerelda, Erma, and Barf."
For the first time, I saw a flicker of annoyance cross Townsend Senior's face. "Barf?" He eyed Dean.
"It's short for Bartholomew," Lia lied smoothly. "Our Barf had a speech impediment as a child. — Jennifer Lynn Barnes

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated. — Erma Bombeck

When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility. — Erma Bombeck

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart. — Erma Bombeck

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home. — Erma Bombeck

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine. — Erma Bombeck

Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly. — Erma Bombeck

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings. — Erma Bombeck

Children Are Like Kites
You spend years trying to get them off the ground.
You run with them until you are both breathless. They crash ... they hit the roof ... you patch, comfort and assure them that someday they will fly.
Finally, they are airborne.
They need more string, and you keep letting it out.
They tug, and with each twist of the twine, there is sadness that goes with joy.
The kite becomes more distant, and you know it won't be long before that beautiful creature will snap the lifeline that binds you together and will soar as meant to soar ... free and alone.
Only then do you know that you have done your job. — Erma Bombeck

I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance. — Erma Bombeck

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy. — Erma Bombeck

A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. — Erma Bombeck

The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah. — Erma Bombeck

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old. — Erma Bombeck

I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born. — Erma Bombeck

I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie. — Erma Bombeck

It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line. — Erma Bombeck

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved. — Erma Bombeck

I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!" was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me. — Erma Bombeck

Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain. — Erma Bombeck

After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery. — Erma Bombeck

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. — Erma Bombeck

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them. — Erma Bombeck

If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage. — Erma Bombeck

It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style. — Erma Bombeck

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids. — Erma Bombeck

I want to teach you so much that you must know to find happiness within yourself. Yet I don't know where to begin or how. I want you to be a square. That's right, a square! I want you to kiss your grandmother when you walk into the room even if you're with friends ... I want you to lend dignity to the things you believe in and respect for the things you don't believe in. I want you to be a human begin who needs friends, and in turn deserves them. I want you to be a square who polishes his shoes, buttons the top button of his shirt occasionally, and stands straight and looks people in the eye when they are talking to you. There is a time to laugh and a time to cry. I want you to know the difference. — Erma Bombeck

Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence. — Erma Bombeck

What makes people laugh? ... It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give. — Erma Bombeck

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven. — Erma Bombeck

When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem. — Erma Bombeck

A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel. — Erma Bombeck

Cats invented self-esteem; there is not an insecure bone in their body. — Erma Bombeck

He who laughs ... lasts. — Erma Bombeck

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. — Erma Bombeck

Adults are always telling young people, 'These are the best years of your life.' Are they? I don't know. Sometimes when adults say this to children I look into their faces. They look like someone on the top seat of the Ferris wheel who has had too much cotton candy and barbecue. They'd like to get off and be sick but everyone keeps telling them what a good time they're having. — Erma Bombeck

I hate Erma," I told Mom ...
"You have to show compassion for her ... " She added that you should never hate anyone, even your worst enemies. "Everyone has something good about them," she said. "You have to find the redeeming quality and love the person for that."
"Oh yeah?" I said. "How about Hitler? What was his redeeming quality?"
"Hitler loved dogs," Mom said without hesitation. — Jeannette Walls

There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green. — Erma Bombeck

The grass is always greener over the septic tank. — Erma Bombeck

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows. — Erma Bombeck

My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us. — Erma Bombeck

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. — Erma Bombeck

Motherhood is the second oldest profession in the world. It never questions age, height, religious preference, health, political affiliation, citizenship, morality, ethnic background, marital status, economic level, convenience, or previous experience. — Erma Bombeck

I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no big deal. — Erma Bombeck

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase. — Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. — Erma Bombeck

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. — Erma Bombeck

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle. — Erma Bombeck

Laugh now, cry later. — Erma Bombeck

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. - Erma Bombeck — Lynn Kellan

Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name. — Erma Bombeck

After twenty-two years of marriage, we had outgrown the challenge of making something out of nothing. The nesting instincts just weren't there anymore. I no longer hyperventilated over a melon keeper that I bought at a Tupperware party. I now worshipped at the shrine of convenience and Sara Lee. Bill no longer rushed home to make bird houses in the basement. He wanted to sleep in his BarcaLounger so he wouldn't be so tired when he went to bed.
It was as if we were closing the door on the years of struggle. It wasn't fun anymore. — Erma Bombeck

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. — Erma Bombeck

Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant. — Erma Bombeck

My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," ... and hangs up. — Erma Bombeck

Most mothers entering the labor market outside the home are naive. They stagger home each evening, holding mail in their teeth, the cleaning over their arm, a lamb chop defrosting under each armpit, balancing two gallons of frozen milk between their knees, and expect one of the kids to get the door. — Erma Bombeck

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip. — Erma Bombeck

I have finally mastered what to do with the second tennis ball. Having small hands, I was becoming terribly self-conscious about keeping it in a can in the car while I served the first one. I noted some women tucked the second ball just inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space already occupied by a leg. Now, I simply drop the second ball down my cleavage, giving me a chest that often stuns my opponent throughout an entire set. — Erma Bombeck

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle. — Erma Bombeck

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV ... never had a garage sale. — Erma Bombeck

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. — Erma Bombeck

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it. — Erma Bombeck

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact. — Erma Bombeck

I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit. — Erma Bombeck

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone? — Erma Bombeck

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best. — Erma Bombeck

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?" — Erma Bombeck

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? — Erma Bombeck

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. — Erma Bombeck

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. — Erma Bombeck

I come from a home where gravy is a beverage. — Erma Bombeck

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.' — Erma Bombeck

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture. — Erma Bombeck

The other night he took me to dinner. We were having a wonderful time when he remarked, "You can certainly tell the wives from the sweethearts."
I stopped licking the stream of butter dripping down my elbow and replied, "What kind of crack is that? — Erma Bombeck

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. — Erma Bombeck

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute - look at it and really see it - live it - and never give it back. — Erma Bombeck

My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!' — Erma Bombeck

I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell. — Erma Bombeck

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother. — Erma Bombeck