Ellen Degeneres Funny Quotes & Sayings

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. — Ellen DeGeneres

I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now. — Ellen DeGeneres

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. — Ellen DeGeneres

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada. — Ellen DeGeneres

Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers! — Ellen DeGeneres

Writing a memoir isn't particularly interesting to me. I'm not like Ellen [DeGeneres], where I can write, 'Water bottles
they're crazy!' and it's funny. — Lauren Graham

All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!" — Ellen DeGeneres

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink. — Ellen DeGeneres

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work. — Ellen DeGeneres

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut. — Ellen DeGeneres

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system. — Ellen DeGeneres

Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don't stop dropping until the act is completed. So it's not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That's how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, 'Boy, don't we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone.' I don't know about you, but if I'm one of these two birds, you're getting close to the ground ... I would serioulsy consider fakin' it. — Ellen DeGeneres

What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out. — Ellen DeGeneres

It is better to give than to receive." - Liars — Ellen DeGeneres

I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises. — Ellen DeGeneres

Answers to Frequently Asked Questions:
Yes.
Yes.
No.
One time in high school.
Three times in my twenties.
Rocks no salt.
Yes.
Four.
Never. And how dare you!
I will take no further questions. — Ellen DeGeneres

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.' — Ellen DeGeneres

If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry! — Ellen DeGeneres

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair. — Ellen DeGeneres

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed. — Ellen DeGeneres

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have been fine. — Ellen DeGeneres

Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor. — Ellen DeGeneres

I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping? — Ellen DeGeneres

There's lotion for your face, lotion for your hands, lotion for your feet, lotion for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? — Ellen DeGeneres

I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm proud to be known as a kind person. — Ellen DeGeneres

When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show. — Ellen DeGeneres

Normally, I try not to pay attention to my haters, but this time I'd like to talk about it, because my haters are my motivators. — Ellen DeGeneres

Actually this is really funny - one time she accidentally forgot to leave a note and I had no idea she had even moved. I was living in the house with a beautiful Mexican family for three months before I realized they weren't my cousins visiting from out of town. They were so nice. They called me "Quien es, quien es," which I thought was a beautiful name. — Ellen DeGeneres

You never know what funny can do. — Ellen DeGeneres

You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress. — Ellen DeGeneres

All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. — Ellen DeGeneres

I think I let go of the need for approval, ... It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself ... I could do everything based on how I want to do things. — Ellen DeGeneres

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones? — Ellen DeGeneres

I didn't go to college at all, any college, and I'm not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I'm a huge celebrity. — Ellen DeGeneres

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's ... she's too happy. — Ellen DeGeneres

I had no intention of becoming a comedian. I just wanted to make people happy. I tried everything-I shucked oysters, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners. But there was always a voice saying, You should be doing something different. And it was usually my boss and I was being fired. — Ellen DeGeneres

No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are. — Ellen DeGeneres

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about. — Ellen DeGeneres

I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two ... or five or something, and she's, uh ... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know ... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um ... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection. — Ellen DeGeneres

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding? ... Noooo ... as funny as that is, I'm not — Ellen DeGeneres

You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful. — Ellen DeGeneres

Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?" — Ellen DeGeneres

You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start getting on your nerves, 'Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it's so repetitious.' — Ellen DeGeneres

I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being ... me. — Ellen DeGeneres

Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock ... Who's There?.. Little endorphin ... Little endorphin who? ... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science. — Ellen DeGeneres

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source. — Ellen DeGeneres

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer. — Ellen DeGeneres

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings. — Ellen DeGeneres