Eddie Izzard Funny Quotes & Sayings

The bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of drama is to be truthful. You can be truthful and funny, but if you're not truthful in a drama than the audience leaves you. — Eddie Izzard

No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?" — Eddie Izzard

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ... ' " — Eddie Izzard

We must have been hunters and gatherers but some of us were just waiters and hopers. — Eddie Izzard

There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? — Eddie Izzard

I mean, sometimes ... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing. — Eddie Izzard

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. — Eddie Izzard

Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until you killed them all, I suppose. — Eddie Izzard

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD! — Eddie Izzard

I've done a bit of Latin in my time ... but I can control it. — Eddie Izzard

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 gibberish. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You" — Eddie Izzard

I am two lesbians in a man's body. — Eddie Izzard

And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way. — Eddie Izzard

"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird." — Eddie Izzard