Dylan Moran What Is It Quotes & Sayings

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse. — Dylan Moran

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect. — Dylan Moran

Your mind is a hive of worms. And worms don't live in a hive, so it already feels unnatural. — Dylan Moran

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon! — Dylan Moran

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits. — Dylan Moran

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time. — Dylan Moran

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today ... and there are other pressures. — Dylan Moran

You can't please everyone, nor should you seek to, because then you won't please anyone, least of all yourself. — Dylan Moran

What's the weather like? ... It's fierce mild! — Dylan Moran

I've been writing since I was very young, even before I was a teenager. As far as I'm concerned, I am a writer - whether my writing's spoken or written in a blog, paper, book or printed on the side of a submarine. — Dylan Moran

I used to live with two other guys. We used to cook two things. The first one was called 'cheese ... thing' and that was where you get something and you melt cheese over it and the first one to guess what it is doesn't have to wash up. That's obviously quite Mediterranean; the other one was less complex. It was just called 'cheese fantasy.' That's where you come in, very drunk, at about five in the morning and find an apple and just pretend there's some cheese on it. — Dylan Moran

[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you. — Dylan Moran

I'm really not big on nationalism, to be honest with you. I really don't think it gets people anywhere except near a pile of dead bodies. I'm Irish, yeah, but I don't need to get up on a soapbox about it. — Dylan Moran

Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone. — Dylan Moran

A man does not know how he came by the half a pie he is holding in his hand! — Dylan Moran

Or that other bullshit, 'I need more space.' People never quantify exactly how much space they need, but strangely enough it always seems to be the exact same height, depth, and breadth as you. — Dylan Moran

I wanted to show off - a simple impulse or drive; in much the same way as some kids wanted to play football, I wanted to show off. Not complicated in that sense, very natural; it just depends on how you want to show off. — Dylan Moran

Yeah, I think Michael has had to deal with that label of being Michael Caine for a long time. — Dylan Moran

I don't go to different countries to criticise their political system and tell them what they should be doing - what do I know? — Dylan Moran

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it. — Dylan Moran

I fear we might be losing the basic human facility to be alone - and with that you throw out independent decision-making, what to trust, what not to trust; key stuff - a perilous loss. — Dylan Moran

You can laugh at somebody because they are innocent, and because they are naive or they are about to walk into a wall, but if somebody's giving you stuff, if somebody's talking, giving you their take on things, what makes you laugh, generally speaking, is going to be somebody who is telling it in an angry way. — Dylan Moran

The measure of a conversation is how much mutual recognition there is in it; how much shared there is in it. If you're talking about what's in your own head, or without thought to what people looking and listening will feel, you might as well be in a room talking to yourself. — Dylan Moran

I really can't describe what my stand-up is like - people see it and they say it's like that, or it's like this, and that's really up to them, that's fine, but I don't sit around all day analysing it. I just try and enjoy a show and interest myself because if I don't do that then I won't interest anybody else. — Dylan Moran

People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: 'Be realistic!'
[What It Is (2009)] — Dylan Moran

What I prefer is an audience who listen. And are intelligent. Which I try and assume every audience is. And that if something goes wrong, it's generally my fault and not theirs. — Dylan Moran

There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There's the other one, you know, where you go "Ga ... bt ... jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga ... ba ... ah, actually that's not that bad, that is. It's quite nice." — Dylan Moran

People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know ... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here ... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention! — Dylan Moran

The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms. — Dylan Moran

You're never going to go. Why would you go? It's a disgusting place. It's always wet even when it's dry. There's nothing there. Farmers aren't really people, you know this. They're just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows. — Dylan Moran

You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is. — Dylan Moran

If you covered a broom handle with oil and shoved it up my arse, then put me on a trampoline, in a lift, I could write a better song on the walls. — Dylan Moran

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it. — Dylan Moran

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it. — Dylan Moran

People will kill you over time. And how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases like 'be realistic'. — Dylan Moran

I actually very rarely see comedy myself, and although I admire the work of some comics, it does come from all over, so I'll get a charge out of some fiction writers and poets. — Dylan Moran

I'm fascinated by how you'll change your position so many times over a lifetime, but really what you're doing is occupying a series of positions on a landscape. — Dylan Moran

I don't really think of myself as an actor. — Dylan Moran

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead! — Dylan Moran

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself. — Dylan Moran

And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying. — Dylan Moran

Two young, fit, healthy attractive people in love? There's nothing worse to look at in the world. — Dylan Moran

Religion is the yeast of death cakes. It is the most awful agent on a vulnerable mind. It's the refuge of alienated and lonely people. It's what people had before television. It yokes people together into an imaginary world. It is just people talking to their imaginary friends, at length. I wouldn't mind, but some of the people are world leaders. — Dylan Moran

Paper acts as an eraser on the mind, as soon as you look at what you've written. — Dylan Moran

So here are some foolproof recipes for those of you who understand the true function of food.
Bean Treat: Gingerly pour four fluid oz of beans or something into a jug. Cry. Eat the beans from the jug and pour the rest from the can down your throat. N.B. These taste better if they belong to somebody else in your house.
Pain au Dunk: Fists of bread, rent from the loaf and dunked into anything runnier than bread. Should eat at least six of these because ... you should. Don't toast the bread. Toast is cookery. — Dylan Moran

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!" — Dylan Moran

I don't know that you're able to measure your aggregate wisdom as you go through life. I can't say that I ever feel that I'm sitting on top of a growing mound of wisdom. — Dylan Moran

What is universal can be surprising. Over time you find the kind of stuff which has people thinking 'That is just something that occurred to me ... there's something wrong with me', is in fact stuff that is universal. — Dylan Moran

I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now. — Dylan Moran

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight. — Dylan Moran

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?' — Dylan Moran

In the same way, there is some creature gnawing away inside of me, urging me to do things in different ways. — Dylan Moran