Daily Funny Quotes & Sayings

I spent 11 years at 'The Daily Show,' and I learned everything there about how to write funny, how to write funny on topic. — David Javerbaum

When a baseball player makes an error, it goes into the record and is published. How many of us could stand this sort of daily scrutiny? — Sydney J. Harris

When you're a woman, you have to work harder to get a laugh ... I follow so many hilarious women on Twitter. It's a daily reminder that women get to be funny. — Rainbow Rowell

Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer. — Charles M. Schulz

I'd like to say I'm not dressed up for anyone in particular, but that would be a lie. — Lisa Daily

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories ... if you lick it. — Jack Whitehall

I had a tumor. But it was great. — David Rakoff

I've developed some deep relationships over the past couple of years blogging and I realize that those relationships manifest themselves in the links I find when I do my x a daily ego search over at Technorati. — Jason Calacanis

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny ... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things. — Demetri Martin

The windshield wipers were on, and periodically, they made a swipe that gave her a momentarily clear view of the opposite shore. And it was funny, life was a bit like that, wasn't it. You went along, doing your thing, not really seeing the full landscape of where you were for all the daily minutiae you had to take care of - when suddenly, things crystallized and you got a brief picture that left you going, Ah so I am here. — J.R. Ward

Frosting was his favorite. He liked to eat doughnuts at every meal. Because it was healthier to eat six small meals a day than three large ones, he restricted himself: jellied for breakfast, glazed for brunch, cream-filled for lunch, frosting for linner, chocolate for dinner, and powdered sugar for 2 a.m. supermarket stakeout. Because linner coincided with the daily crime peak, he always ate his favorite variety to ease him. Frosting was his only choice now, and upsetting his routine was a quiet thrill. — Benson Bruno

Botox is as common as seagulls in Sarasota, but most of the women I know who use the dermatologist's little helper still have full range of expression. Except squinting, of course. — Lisa Daily

The conundrum that I face on a daily basis is that I have two sons who have grown up watching 'The Simpsons,' so they know exactly what buttons to push. They know how Bart irritates Homer, and they use these lines against me to tell me that I'm not funny anymore. — Matt Groening

I thank God daily for the good fortune of my birth, for I am certain I would have made a miserable peasant. — C.S. Forester

The fish is that perfect, amazing guy it can never work out with - you know, a bird and a fish may fall in love - but where would they live? . . . So the fish is your total dream guy, he's smart, he's handsome, he gets all your jokes, he loves to talk, he gives you a nine-hour orgasm and then makes you homemade chocolate chip pancakes and serves you breakfast in bed - but he lives all the way across the country and neither of you can move, or he's married, or next in line for the throne, or he has a terminal disease or something . . . the fish. — Lisa Daily

The inspiration for my Vines comes from thinking about funny and relatable experiences from my daily life. — Lele Pons

I was so scared it was all going to be gone by the time I got there. Ninth grade, tenth grade - can't this thing go any faster?
In the magazine, there were funny people with funny names like John Sex, who had wild white hair and a snake!-and didn't that just open up a kaleidoscope of new possibilities?
And how long the years are-endless! And the minutae of your daily life! So tedious, when there are BIG THINGS happening a thousand miles away. And when you go to bed at night, it's hard to believe those people, those fabulous, daunting people, are out there right now!
So we wait, and we endure, and someday we will be there, and we will make it. — James St. James

We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major media conglomerates, except for AOL, who now apparently own all our thoughts and teeth. — John Hodgman

I watch vlogs on YouTube. I watch Jenna Marbles a lot - I think she's really funny - and a lady called Daily Grace. — Maisie Williams

LIZZ WINSTEAD Instead of Jon playing a character - the news anchor, one of the derelicts in a derelict world of media - Jon made a creative decision to take the show in the direction of the correspondents presenting the idiocy, and then Jon is the person who calls out the idiocy with the eloquence that the viewer wishes they had. And he did it in a way that's not condescending, it's not smug. It's funny, it's emotional, it's calling out bullshit. So Jon became the voice of the audience. — Chris Smith

When I first started as an editorial cartoonist, I was terrified on a daily basis. Filling that hole the next day, knowing that tens of thousands of people were going to expect something funny. There is still that pressure, but you kind of learn how to cope with it a little better. — Steve Breen

Some entertainers have tried to make art of coarseness, but in their public crudeness they have merely revealed their own vast senses of personal inferiority. When they heap mud upon themselves and allow their tongues to wag with vulgarity, they expose their belief that they are not worth loving and in fact are unlovable. When we as an audience indulge then in their profanity, we are like the audience at the Roman Colosseum being thrilled as the raging lions kill the unarmed Christians. We not only participate in the humiliation of the entertainers, but we are brought low by sharing in the obscenity. We need to have the courage to say obesity is not funny and vulgarity is not amusing. Insolent children and submissive parents are not the characters we want to admire and emulate. Flippancy and sarcasm are not qualities which we need to include in our daily conversations. — Maya Angelou

On the morning appointed for Admiral Croft and Mrs. Croft's seeing Kellynch-hall, Anne found it most natural to take her almost daily walk to Lady Russell, and keep out of the way till all was over; when she found it most natural to be sorry that she had missed the opportunity of seeing them. — Jane Austen

Political satire is a serious thing. In democratic newspapers throughout the world there are daily cartoons that often are not even funny, as is the case especially in many English-language newspapers. Instead, they contain a political message, and the artist takes full responsibility. — Umberto Eco

As I observe my daily life and that of others, I have come to the conclusion that genuine joy is a potent mixture of harsh reality, and the realization that life can be funny. — Tone Bell

With comedy, the jokes will come out, and people will see them coming. Changes in daily life or current events can change the consciousness of audiences and can make the show less funny or feel more stale. — Robert Lopez

Deep love-true-heart love-must grow. Back then I didn't yet understand the burning kind of love, so instead I thought about the rice paddies I used to see on my daily walks down to the river with my brother when I still had all my milk teeth. Maybe I could make our love grow like a farmer made his crop to grow-through hard work, unwavering will, and the blessings of nature. How funny that I can remember that even now! Waaa! I knew so little about life, but I knew enough to think like a farmer. — Lisa See

Dear Hope, I NEVER thought Id see the day when two of your daily e-mails sandwiched a message from none other than PAUL PARLIPIANO. My crush to end all crushes! Gay man of my dreams! OOOH! — Megan McCafferty

The world, every day, is New. Only for those born in, say, 1870 or so, can there be a meaningful use of the term postmodernism, because for the rest of us we are born and we see and from what we see and digest we remake our world. And to understand it we do not need to label it, categorize it. These labels are slothful and dismissive, and so contradict what we already know about the world, and our daily lives. We know that in each day, we laugh, and we are serious. We do both, in the same day, every day. But in our art we expect clear distinction between the two ... But we don't label our days Serious Days or Humorous Days. We know that each day contains endless nuances - if written would contain dozens of disparate passages, funny ones, sad ones, poignant ones, brutal ones, the terrifying and the cuddly. But we are often loathe to allow this in our art. And that is too bad ... — Dave Eggers

I can't even look at daily comic strips. And I hate sitcoms because they don't seem like real people to me: they're props that often say horrible things to each other, which I don't find funny. I have to feel like they're real people. — Roz Chast

I don't go after him. He's a funny sort of boy. I've known that from the start. Not just because he seems angry and contemptuous or the way he walks like a tough guy. Because of his smile - it's a child's smile. — Delphine De Vigan

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology's only credible conspiracy. — Bauvard

Today I plan to smile a lot, only so people who know me will be freaked the fuck out. — R.D. Ronald