Condom Quotes & Sayings

But hey, if there's one bright side to your dying, it's that you aren't around to tell me things I don't like hearing. I'm sorry. That was a dickhead thing to say. I need a condom for my mouth. — Adam Silvera

The security guy asked my name address and phone number, and then he asked me what was the difference between a condom and a cockpit. — Chuck Palahniuk

Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Religion reminds me of a lace condom. While lovingly crafted, it's not designed for pleasure; unless inflated with fervour, it collapses; one size does not fit all; and no matter how many times you dunk it in holy water, it will not prevent misconceptions or contagion. — Lowestoft Thellow

Brady! You can't watch that!"
He looked up at me, his eyebrows furrowed, from his place on the floor. The remote was far away from him, next to the screen, so he couldn't have changed the channel. I snatched it up and hit the information button. "What the hell is a YoGabbaGabba?" I looked back over at Brady and frowned. "Uh, never mind. Go ahead."
Walking with purpose back into the kitchen, I whispered into the receiver. "Okay. No joke, there is a talking, dancing, bright red, studded dildo on the screen. There are other ones that look like him, and I swear to God one is wearing a condom on his head. That's a kids' show?" I looked back into the living room. "Whatever happened to good old-fashioned cartoons? Don't they have good shit like Animaniacs anymore? — Amber L. Johnson

Suzanne had totally forgotten about their court date since she'd been a little busy having tons of condom-free sex with Ryder, planning Nikki's wedding, and forming a placenta. — Erin McCarthy

Engineer is the one who thinks Dark Fantasy is a condom and not a biscuit — Subhasis Das

You know you're in love when you wear condoms while having sex with other women. — Owen Wilson

Me and Vinny are dead careful, and we only had sex once without a condom, our first time, and it's a scientific fact that virgins can't get pregnant. Stella told me. — David Mitchell

Tell me you spotted a condom tree over to the right by the stream of lube. — Jane Davitt

I put the penis in happiness. I put it there, and I can pull it out too. (But why would I? That's why I'm wearing a condom.) — Jarod Kintz

If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy. — Stephen Colbert

Besides she's off birth control now. I don't want you guys naked within a hundred yards of her."
"Uh, how are we supposed to shower?"Trey asked.
Brian rolled his eyes in annoyance. "You can shower, dumbass. Just make sure you wear a condom." — Olivia Cunning

I would think that if you understood what sex education is, you would get down on your knees and worship a condom. — Jane Fonda

If we only said safe sex, use a condom, we won't stop the spread of AIDS in this country. — Thabo Mbeki

One of the problems with sex education ... is that it also strips kids - especially girls - of their modesty to have every detail of anatomy, physiology and condom usage made explicit. — James Dobson

Ranger cradled my face in his hands, using his thumbs to wipe the tears from my eyes. "The ceremony is over. Can you make it back to the car?"
I nodded. "I'm okay now. Am I red and blotchy from crying?"
"Yes," Ranger said, brushing a kiss across my forehead. "I love you anyway."
"There's all kinds of love," I said.
Ranger took me by the hand and led me back to the SUV. "This is the kind that doesn't call for a ring. But a condom might come in handy."
"That's not love," I told him. "That's lust. — Janet Evanovich

Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue. — Mark Gungor

I brought a condom," I tell her when I slide her panties down. We're both hot and sweaty, and I can't resist hr anymore.
"I did, too," she whispers against my neck. "But we might not be able to use it."
"Why not?" I expect her to tell em this was all a mistake, that she really didn't mean to get me all hot and bothered just to tell me I'm not worthy enough to take her virginity, but it's the truth.
She clears her throat. "It all d-d-depends on whether or not you're allergic to l-l-latex. — Simone Elkeles

Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts ... — Clive James

Have you ever heard of a condom? Don't Carpathians have condoms? Because I'm thinking that if you're all that worried, a condom might be just the thing."
His smile was slow in coming. "I had not thought of that. As a rule Carpathians do not need such things. — Christine Feehan

President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme - "Safer, Stronger, and Tested." Isn't that a condom ad? — Jay Leno

As a film was little more than a ninety-six minute search for a condom, I had to wonder why anyone thought it wise to spend almost eighty million dollars producing it. — Marshall Thornton

If I could be the "condom queen" and get every young person who engaged in sex to use a condom in the United States, I would weara crown on my head with a condom on it! I would! — Joycelyn Elders

If you're going to have sex, use a condom. — Dennis Rodman

1. Boys will lie, cheat, and steal to get into your pants. A man will stand the test of time. Make him wait, and you'll see which one he is. 2. They will try to tell you that it feels better without a condom. You just tell me where they live. 3. And relationships are supposed to make your life better. You don't drag each other down. You hold each other — Penelope Douglas

Liberty," he continued, wrinkling his nose at the used condom that lay on the bottom flight of steps, toeing it to the side of the stairs with distaste. "Someone could slip on that. Break their necks," he muttered, interrupting himself. "Like a banana peel, only with bad taste and irony thrown in. — Neil Gaiman

I hooked the condom out with the end of a spoon and dropped it into the bottom of a white bin-bag, where it lay, dried out and brown, as transparent as old human skin. — Mo Hayder

I hate it when people take so long to drink a single glass. IT is like putting on a condom to masturbate. — Gregory David Roberts

About President Bush's stand against condoms, condoms will not protect you from AIDS . So to just throw a bunch of condoms over to Africa and say, here, we're helping you with AIDS, is just going to further the spread of AIDS over there. — Christine O'Donnell

Just a bit of advice," I mutter. "That sort of physical contact with Chloe Murphy should require a full body condom, lest you contract something extremely difficult - if not impossible - to get rid of. — Kim Holden

Wait," Eric said. "Do you have any camouflaged condoms?"
"Camouflaged?" The cashier's forehead crinkled in concentration. "I don't think so. We have every flavor and color imaginable, but I don't think we have any camouflaged."
"Why would you need a camouflaged condom?" Rebekah asked.
"So you won't see me coming. — Olivia Cunning

The kind of late where the 99% effective warnings on the side of condom boxes flashed before my eyes as I white knuckled my way down the 405, silently screaming, why me? Why, oh why me? I'm a new millennium girl. I took copious notes in 6th grade Sex Ed. — Gemma Halliday

God squeezed Day and held him close as he shot his first jet of come. God growled deep in his throat with his teeth still latched on to Day's throat. He stopped biting only to pull the tender flesh into his mouth and suck as hard as he could until he stopped coming inside Day's spasming hole. God stilled and caught his breath, his cock still buried inside his lover. He felt Day lick at the sweat on his neck and unhook his legs from around his back. God slid his hands down Day's back and palmed both of his ass cheeks, lifting him off his cock. Day hissed, and God gently laid him back down on the damp sheets. God was exhausted. He removed the condom and dropped it in the wastebasket beside the bed before dropping down beside Day. "You — A.E. Via

I was just saying goodnight." Logan quipped and pecked Sienna on the cheek before slipping something in to her hand. She looked down to see it was a sleek new cellphone. He turned to leave but Mrs. Rivers interrupted him.
"Your fly is undone." She told him grimly giving him her the full extent of her medusa glare. If looks could kill, Mrs. Rivers had homicide down to a science. When had that happened? Sienna thought. Probably sometime when they were too busy pressing themselves against each other. Sienna was mortified. Logan however looked mildly amused. He zipped up his trousers and quietly thanked her.

"Oh and Logan, you left your souvenir behind." She added now giving Sienna the full extent of the medusa glare. Logan and Sienna both frowned momentarily before realizing what she meant. He snatched the condom and put it back in his pocket and quickly left the house leaving Sienna to battle with the Gorgon. — Ali Harper

All I wanted in this world was to be a mom."
"You regret it?" I ask.
"Being a mom? Never. Seducing your father and making sure he didn't use a condom, yes."
"I don't want to hear this."
"Well, I'm gonna tell it to you whether you want to hear it or not. Be careful, Alex."
"I am."
She takes another drag of her cigarette while shaking her head. "No, you don't get it. You might be careful, but girls won't be. Girls are manipulative. I should know, I'm one of them."
"Brittany is--"
"The kind of girl who can make you do things you don't want to do."
"Believe me, Mom. She doesn't want a kid."
"No, but she'll want other things. Things you can never give her."
I look up at the stars, the moon, the universe that I know doesn't end. "But what if I want to give them to her? — Simone Elkeles

Given a choice between hearing my daughter say "I'm pregnant" or "I used a condom", most mothers would get up in the middle of the night and buy them herself. — Joycelyn Elders

There are three things you never want to find in your boyfriend's locker: a sweaty jockstrap, a D minus on last week's history test, and an empty condom wrapper.
Lucky me, I'd hit the trifecta. — Gemma Halliday

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up! — Frankie Boyle

No matter what those sex-ed teachers say about how great condoms are, there's not a condom in the world to protect you from heartbreak. — Natasha Friend

Sometimes you're about as funny as a busted condom. — Mark Coggins

Doctors would only prescribe birth control in the most dire of circumstances, and even then, what form of birth control would they prescribe? There were no reliable options, except perhaps the condom. But condoms depended on the cooperation of men, and Sanger's experience in the tenements of New York City told her that men didn't mind six or seven children so long as they were able to enjoy sex when the mood struck them. Women were the ones dealing most with the consequences of sex, not only because they were the ones getting pregnant but also because they were the ones raising the children. — Jonathan Eig

There may be a basis in the case of some individuals, as perhaps when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be a first step in the direction of a moralization, a first assumption of responsibility, — Pope Benedict XVI

When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, "You want me to wear a condom?! — Jarod Kintz

maybe the love of my life got stuck in a condom — Nikki Davey

But I don't want to wear a condom because I don't feel anything," and she says calmly ... glaring at me,"If you don't use one you're not going to feel anything anyway. — Bret Easton Ellis

Is that a condom?" I asked.
"Yeah, basically", she said.
"But is different than a condom? Like, what do you call the product?"
"A condom. — Lena Dunham

James "Knockout Jimmy" O'Brien, Granite Fall's very own boxing legend - a title he held until a young groupie poked holes in the condom she made him wear "for protection."
My brother was born nine months later, fists already swinging. — Kate Avelynn

Some words have multiple meanings. Scholastic, aware that I'm allergic to preservatives, kindly got someone to translate the phrase "I can only eat food without preservatives" into Italian. They warned me, however, as they taught me how to say it, that the Italian word for "preservatives" is the same as the word for "condom." So that I should be careful how I look when I say it. — Maggie Stiefvater

I finished loading the dishwasher, and then circled the couch to make sure I hadn't missed any
visible empty condom wrappers. That was never fun to explain.
The fact that I had bagged a good portion of beautiful coeds at this school was no secret, but I
didn't see a reason to remind them when they came to my apartment. It was all about presentation. — Jamie McGuire

No matter how strong a condom is, it won't protect you from a broken heart. — A. C. Green

Oh yeah, this was so comforting. Like a porcupine in a condom factory.' (Danger) — Sherrilyn Kenyon

She's been used more often than a jailhouse condom. — Michael Robotham

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it. — Adam Carolla

Don't talk to strangers. Don't do drugs. Don't smoke. Don't drink and drive. Don't have sex. Wear a condom. Wear sunblock. Wear a seat belt. Wear a helmet. If you see something, say something. Just say no. Stop, drop, and roll. Stop, look, and listen. Look both ways before you cross the street ...
Safety is an illusion. Bad things can happen to anyone at any time, whether you follow the rules or not. You can check left, check right, check left again before you step off the curb and into the crosswalk, but that won't stop an anonymous asshole in his shitty pickup from putting you in intensive care ... — Megan McCafferty

I haven't tried this with anyone ... signifacant in a long time. It's never worked before."
"You haven't had sex before?"
"I have. But not with anyone i cared about or ... knew. One-time things. That's all."
"That's all-ever?"
"It's not like they 've been tons of them. There were more before, in high school, than there have been the last three years."
"Lucas? I said yes, and i meant it. I want this-as long as you have protection, i mean. I want this, with you. So this is okay. Please don't ask me to say stop."
"I want it to be better than okay. You deserve better than okay."
"You 're shaking, Jacqueline. Do you want to-"
"No." "I'm just a little cold."
"Better?"
"Yes."
"You know you can say it. But i'm not asking you to, this time."
"Good."
His earlier hesitation gone, he removed the last scraps of fabric we were wearing, fixed the condom in place, kissed me fiercely and rocked into me. — Tammara Webber

Princess, your temper tantrums make you as defective as an open-ended condom. — Gena Showalter

Okay. No joke, there is a talking, dancing, bright red, studded dildo on the screen. There are other ones that look like him, and I swear to God one is wearing a condom on his head. That's a kids' show? — Amber L. Johnson

Condom," she said. He grabbed a gold square off his nightstand, tore it open, and milked the rubber down his shaft. These were awkward seconds for a man, no matter how attractive the woman under him appeared - legs open, breasts resting on the rib cage - because a man has to stay hard while the woman watches in some negative quiet where irrevocable judgments are formed. — Christopher Bollen

There's only so much I can do aside from locking him in his room or super gluing a condom to his penis — R.K. Ryals

After found condom wrapper was smacked to his forehead by my palm, — Penny Reid

I try to tell it he might have meant "Just be careful when you have sex. Use a condom," but instead, because, you know, it's a brain, and therefore has - is - a mind of its own, it starts thinking of every way in which Violet Markey might break my heart. I — Jennifer Niven

I was bleeding but hoped he wouldn't notice. I do this sometimes; a game I personally call, I have my period, let's see if I can hide it! A darkish room and quick condom removal (make it seem like you're just really nice and thorough, and use baby wipes to take it off) and even quicker moving of towels to cover any spots on the bed take care of this-though more than once I then saw smears on the pillowcase. Dirty! I love it. I want to not, like, ruby-shower heavy bleed on someone, but reach inside myself with a couple fingers and write my name on a dude's chest with it. C-h-l-o-e. Smiley face. — Kelley Kenney

I reach around his body and cup his ass. When my hand finds the toy lodged there, I groan into his mouth. "Do it," he pants. Everything begins to happen very fast. With a firm grasp, I remove the toy, while Wes slicks up my dick. He yanks me off the sofa's back and braces himself against it. "Go," he orders. I come up behind him and grip his hips, the head of my cock sliding between his taut ass cheeks. Just like the other night, I'm floored by the sensation of being skin to skin. There's no barrier between my throbbing dick and his tight ass, and when I drive deep on the first stroke, we both groan with abandon. "Fuck me," he demands when I go still. But I'm too busy savoring the incredible feeling of being inside him without a condom. I roll my hips and he growls like a grumpy bear. "I swear to God, Canning, if you don't move, I'm gonna - " I pull out, then slam right back in. He makes a choked sound, his entire body trembling. "You're gonna what?" I ask mockingly. — Sarina Bowen

Labor Day. We could hear their bellow and grind from the Route 19 overpass. Below, the river gleamed like a flaw in metal. Leaving the parking lot behind, we billy-goated down the fisherman's trail, one by one, the way all mountain people do. Loud clumps of bees clustered in the fireweed and boneset, and the trail underfoot crunched with cans, condom wrappers, worm containers. A half-buried coal bucket rose from the dirt with a galvanized grin. The laurel hell wove itself into a tunnel, hazy with gnats. There, a busted railroad spike. The smell of river water filled our noses. — Matthew Neill Null

Livia, I can't get started if we can't finish. I can't trust myself to stop."
Livia smiled at his concern and grabbed her jacket, digging in the pocket. "Kyle had one, and I grabbed it." Livia held the condom up victoriously.
"Only one? I better make it count." Blake still had the mask on, so he left it to his fingers to adore her. "I'm going to paint my passion on your skin. — Debra Anastasia

Fear is the condom of life. It doesn't allow you to enjoy things. — Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu

In all your life, only a few moments matter. Mostly you never get a good look at them except in hindsight, long after they've zipped past you: the moment when you decided whether to talk to that girl, slow down on that blind bend, stop and find that condom. I was lucky, I guess you could call it. I got to see one of mine face-to-face, and recognize it for what it was. — Tana French

Oh, I'm sure Tristin will do it" She said casually as she hung the dress back on the hanger. I stared at her in confusion. "Surely he knows how to put a condom."

The visual made my insides squirm with panic.
"I mean the whole thing! All of it!" I cried.
"Oh" She looked at me with surprise and then her expression dissolved into understanding. "Honey, it will all come naturally."

"How do I know what natural is though? How do I know what's right? What if I do it all wrong?"
She smiled. "The thing about men, Alexis, is they generally don't find any of it wrong. In fact, usually the more wrong it is, the more they like it. — Kristie Cook

I have a hat for it, actually." Elliott made a vague gesture with one hand. "Well, it's more of a full-body suit, really."
"Is that a euphemism for a condom?"
"No." He marched past me and lay down on the bed. "My mother knitted me a willy-warmer a few years back when we were having a cold stretch. She felt I wasn't like to produce the grandchildren she desires if I had as she put it, frost-shriveled parts. — Katie MacAlister

Who thinks, I'm going to cheat on my girlfriend, but I've got too much of a social conscience to leave my condom wrapper on the floor - heaven forbid I litter. — Penny Reid

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums. — Bill Engvall

A few days later she sent him a two page, single-spaced, typewritten letter preaching to him about the Catholic stand on premarital sex, and especially condemning the use of that horrendous tool of the devil, the seed-killing prophylactic. Don't worry. Those facetious words weren't hers. I paraphrased. This boy was more browbeaten by mommy than Norman Bates. — Dan Skinner

Condoms will break, but I can assure you that vows of abstinence will break more easily than condoms. — Joycelyn Elders

The condom has saved so many lives, and it'll save so many more lives. We really owe a great deal to the rubber tree. — Mechai Viravaidya

She didn't tell me to use a condom, so I didn't: a bit of a risk, but it's her risk, not mine, — David Mitchell

I suddenly had a vision of my sperm swimming around and talking in Bruce Willis's voice like in Look Who's Talking. Come on! Swim faster! This little shit has no idea we escaped from the condom! Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker! — Tara Sivec

There is no such thing as safe sex, since no one can create a condom for the soul. — Jayce O'Neal

I think the Americans fished out the same condom but found it had too many holes in it. — Tariq Ali

I trail away into silence. I've just shared details of my condom use with my son's teacher. I'm not sure how that happened. — Sophie Kinsella

There is not only a lack of success for condoms. It's worse than that - they are utter failures. — Wendy Wright

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts. — Dana Gould

Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber. — Dennis Miller

Use a condom. The world doesn't need another you. — Carroll Bryant

On a piece of wasteland in Leeds I once saw a used condom in the grass. A dead and sordid thing. And yet to my thirteen-year-old mind the whole mystery of life seemed to stream through it. Nothing I've seen since has been so eloquent of the thrilling and terrifying mysteries of life. — Glenn Haybittle

Jim eyed me for a couple of seconds, then got off the bed and went to curl up on the pile of blankets I'd
arranged as its bed. "I don't suppose you'd care to lend me a couple hundred euros?"
I pointed at the wall. It turned its back to me so I could get into the nightgown Perdita had lent me. "You
are not going to bet on me. Or against me. No betting whatsoever.
Got that?"
Jim huffed and settled down for the night. "You sure do know how to take all the fun out of life. Bet you
even made Drake use a condom. — Katie MacAlister

And why did men insist on buying the largest size? Didn't they understand the concept of sizes? Did they think buying a magnum sized condom was going to fool me into thinking their Toyota Camery was an aircraft carrier? — Penny Reid

The worst of all of this is the lie that condoms really protect against AIDS. The condom failure rate can be as high as 20 percent. Would you get on a plane - or put your children on a plane - if one of five passengers would be killed on the flight? Well, the statistic holds for condoms, folks. — Rush Limbaugh

I screwed the King of the Man-whores - condom-free - in a damned shed, because I'm classy like that. — Joanna Wylde

Now, they should have been in bed, making out and groping until one of them finally came up for air long enough to put on a condom. But they didn't move. They stood in the middle of the room, skin to skin, arms around each other and kissing like ... like ... Like this. It was as if no one had ever given Dom the memo about the difference between fucking and making love. About how to kiss a one-night stand versus how to kiss a boyfriend. Sergei — L.A. Witt

Until someone invented a fang condom, she'd continue stealing from the blood bank. — Kresley Cole

The condom broke. I know how stupid that sounds. It's the reproductive version of the dog ate my homework. — Jennifer Weiner

They'll have to eat first. And by the time they're finished, you'll be back."
"With the condoms." "Right." "For the giant orgy you're convinced we're about to have in the backyard."
"Dory! Just go!" "I'll go with," Ray said, getting up. "I need a snack." Which was how I ended up condom shopping with a vampire. — Karen Chance

Brownies and a condom. — Jill Shalvis

Would it make you more comfortable if I wore a condom while I shook your hand? I could wear it on my penis, or stretch it over my hand. I don't know these things. I'm new to politics. — Jarod Kintz

Although every person makes mistakes, not every mistake makes a person. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The Vatican won't prosecute pedophile priests but I decide I'm not ready for motherhood and it's condemnation for me? These are the same people that won't support national condom distribution that PREVENTS teenage pregnancy. — Sonya Renee Taylor

You must always remember, the most important fashion accessory is the condom. — Lady Gaga

If condoms and potentially microbicides can prevent millions of deaths [from AIDS], they should be made more widely available. I know that there are those who, out of sincere religious conviction, oppose such measures. And with these folks, I must respectfully but unequivocally disagree. — Barack Obama

I don't give a shit how many guys you hook up with as long as you use a condom. What I care about is whether you said yes. That's the only thing that matters. — Daisy Whitney