Colfer Quotes & Sayings

What can be as small as a pea or as large as the sky and is not owned by the person who purchases it? it asked. — Chris Colfer

As a child, Zaphod had been diagnosed with ADHDDAAADHD (ntm) ABT which stood for Always Dreaming His Dopey Days Away, Also Attention Deficit Hyperflactulance Disorder (not to mention) A Bit Thick. — Eoin Colfer

Oooo, what is that?" Red yelled when she saw the palace. "That's Buckingham Palace," Alex said. "It's where the monarchy resides." Red was mesmerized. "What a stylish and tasteful place! Look at that beautiful statue out front of it in the middle of the street! That looks exactly like the statue I wanted to build in celebration of Charlie's and my wedding!" Red left the others and flew down to the gate. She peered through the bars at the palace in delight. She had to hang on to the bars tightly because the fairy dust was making her drift back to the sky. One of the palace guards on duty saw Red and stared at her in disbelief. It wasn't every day he saw a floating woman at the gate. "Yoo-hoo!" Red called to him. "I just love your hat! Please tell the current monarch that Queen Red of the Center Kingdom says hello - " Conner flew to the gate and pulled Red's hands off the bars. "Red, come on. You're gonna get left behind! — Chris Colfer

After seeing amazing magical places like Neverland, Oz, Narnia and Wonderland, why did you ever want to leave?"
The girls looked to one another; they had never been asked the question before, at least in Alex's mind.
"Because no matter where you go or what you see, you'll always want to be where you belong," Lucy said.
"Your home is where you feel most comfortable and loved," Wendy said.
"It's a part of you," Alice added. "It's where your family is."
"There's no place like home," Dorothy said, as if it was the first time she'd ever said those words.
Alex appreciated what they had to say, but wasn't sure if she entirely agreed. "I wonder, though, if home sometimes isn't where you're from," she said.
The girls looked at her as if she had already answered her own question. Alex wondered if that had been the real question lingering in her mind all along. — Chris Colfer

You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it.
This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by. — Eoin Colfer

The gremlin mob turned on Root, and when they saw the triple-barreled blaster on his hip, they kept right on turning. Root grabbed the microphone from behind the desk, and hauled it out to the extent of its cable. "Now hear this," he growled, his gravelly tones echoing around the terminal. "This is Commander Root of the LEP. We have a serious situation above ground, and I would appreciate cooperation from all you civilians. First, I would like you all to stop your yapping so I can hear myself think!" Root paused to make certain his wishes were being respected. They were. "Secondly, I would like every single one of you, including those squawling infants, to sit down on the courtesy benches until I have gone on my way. Then you can get back to griping or stuffing your faces. Or whatever else it is civilians do." No one had ever accused Root of political correctness. No one was ever likely to either. — Eoin Colfer

When the moment comes, will you take your chance to be a hero? — Eoin Colfer

Artemis simple-toon — Eoin Colfer

It doesn't matter how old I get, I always act like an excited five year-old kid with severe ADD and a waddle at Disneyland. — Chris Colfer

We'll take the path to the right and ask the first person, plant, or animal we see. — Chris Colfer

This might hurt a little is universal code for this will definitely hurt a lot — Eoin Colfer

Artemis: "Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre."
Myles: "In Paris."
Artemis: "Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter's attention. What do you do?"
Beckett: "Umm ... tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?"
Myles: "I agree with simple-toon."
Artemis: "No! You simply raise one finger and say clearly 'ici, garcon.'"
Beckett: "Itchy what? — Eoin Colfer

To be injured on this tundra would lead to a quick and painful death - or at the very least abject humiliation before the popping flashes of the tourist season's tail end, which was slightly less painful than a painful death, but lasted longer. — Eoin Colfer

Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares! — Eoin Colfer

He was the point dog, sent in to check for hostiles. His orders were simple. Bite everything. If it screamed, it was hostile. — Eoin Colfer

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, — Chris Colfer

I do remember, Holly. I remember it all. Especially you. It's a real comfort to have you here. — Eoin Colfer

Now I can do the bolts," she slurred. "I've been trying to focus enough magic all week."
The magic shifted and swirled, finally etching a picture in the air. It was a rough picture of Foaly, and he was laughing.
I hate you, centaur!" screamed Opal, lunging toward, and then through, the insubstantial image. Her eyes rolled back into her head, and then she collapsed, snoring, on the floor.
Artemis straightened his tie.
Freud, he was certain, would have a field day with that. — Eoin Colfer

It was no time for mercy, it was time to terminate with extreme prejudice. — Eoin Colfer

...Hardly. A ragged apron does not a waiter make. — Eoin Colfer

These headsets could pick up a spider scratching in Madagascar." "And is there a spider scratching in Madagascar?" "Well ... I don't know. They can't really - — Eoin Colfer

Certain battles were won by retreating. — Eoin Colfer

Scientists are the enemies of tradition , and tradition own all the prisons. - Victor Vigny — Eoin Colfer

You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts punishing you. — Eoin Colfer

There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to one of them. The other lived on an island in the South China Sea, and spent his days meditating and beating up palm trees. You had to feel sorry for the B'wa Kell. — Eoin Colfer

The thought of revenge always gave her a warm fuzzy feeling. — Eoin Colfer

A fifeteen-year old, of to save the world, with faries. - Angeline Fowl — Eoin Colfer

Are you an angel or a devil, sir? I need to know. Are you taking me up or down? — Eoin Colfer

There will be consequences for this, he thought. You can't alter time and not be affected. But whatever the consequences are, I will bear them, because the alternative is too terrible. -Artemis Fowl, The Lost Colony — Eoin Colfer

Tonight, history was going to be made. And it wasn't the discovery-of-radium, first-man-on-the-moon happy kind of history. It was the Spanish-Inquisition, here-comes-the-Hindenburg bad kind of history. — Eoin Colfer

Waitress: "And to drink?"
Artemis: "Spring water. Irish, if you have it. And no ice, please. As your ice is no doubt made from tap water, which rather defeats the purpose of spring water. — Eoin Colfer

I am not qualified to deal with this. Why does everyone I meet seem to have mental problems?
Ah ... but did they have mental problems before meeting you? Who's the common denominator here, Dan?
I do not have mental problems! I say to the voice in my head, perfectly aware how damning it would sound were I to say it aloud. — Eoin Colfer

All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket. — Eoin Colfer

Holly frowned at her. "Glad to see you've forgiven yourself so quickly."
"Harboring feelings of guilt can have a negative affect on mental health."
"Child geniuses," growled Holly.
"Genii," said Minerva. — Eoin Colfer

Gold is power-artemis fowl I liked the artemis fowl series because its about a boy genius — Eoin Colfer

I have no time for babbling foolishness."
"Don't be so hasty," said Victor. "There's always time for babbling. — Eoin Colfer

No one ever stops being a student in the classroom of life — Chris Colfer

I'm right there with you, darlin'. Unless you step on a landmine, in which case I'm way back in the Operations Room. — Eoin Colfer

No alcohol, Riley." She nodded at the screen. "How are you liking the twenty-first century?"
Riley burped. "The Take That are most melodic. And God bless Harry Potter is all I can say. If not for him, all of London would have been consumed by the dark arts. — Eoin Colfer

When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you end up polished and they end up useless. — Chris Colfer

Mona was half ninja, half gunslinger, popping off charge after charge into the blue creatures. — Eoin Colfer

As long as someone remains standing with a noble heart there will always be a way for good to triumph over evil. — Chris Colfer

Onscreen, Foaly rubbed his eyelids with his index fingers.
Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Captain Short goes rogue once more. Hands up who's surprised. Anyone? — Eoin Colfer

Bring a sword to school. Trust me-those girls will leave you alone. — Chris Colfer

And one more thing. About my name - Artemis - you were right. In London, it is generally a female name, after the Greek goddess of archery. But every now and then a male comes along with such a talent for hunting that he earns the right to use the name. I am that male. Artemis the hunter. I hunted you. — Eoin Colfer

Nobody ever got rich by wearing a heart on their sleeve, unless it was someone else's heart. — Eoin Colfer

Whoa, I've really got to stop making plans with fictional characters. It can't be healthy to develop relationships with people who don't exist. — Chris Colfer

The first cut is always the deepest, but not every cut leaves a scar, — Chris Colfer

And it's amazing how much noise people ignoring each other can make. — Eoin Colfer

Artemis looked at Holly and felt a tremendous affection for her ... he could properly appreciate how fierce and beautiful his best friend was ...
She is truly magical, thought Artemis. Perhaps her qualities are more obvious to me now that I have decided to sacrifice myself. — Eoin Colfer

How does she know it's the right room?' wondered Descant.
Oh, I don't know; mabye it's the magical red glow coming from the doorway, or perhaps it's the deafening howl of the temporal winds.' said Mervall.
Descant nodded.'You could be right, brother. And don't think I don't know sarcasm when I hear it. — Eoin Colfer

Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know. — Eoin Colfer

I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom. — Eoin Colfer

If we make it through this, we will be friends. Bonded by trauma. — Eoin Colfer

JUST BECAUSE ANYONE CAN, DOESN'T MEAN EVERYONE SHOULD (Mrs. Peters to Conner Bailey) — Chris Colfer

I'm pretty sure I'm going to fall in my GaGa shoes one night on tour and I'm hoping it becomes a Youtube sensation. — Chris Colfer

You don't understand!' Foaly objected.
Trouble cut him off with a chop of his hand through the air. 'I never understand. That's why we pay you and your dork posse.
Foaly objected again. 'They are not dorks!'
Trouble found space for yet another holster. 'Really? That guy brings a Beanie Baby to work every day. And your nephew, Mayne, speaks fluent Unicorn.'
'They're not all dorks,' said Foaly, correcting himself. — Eoin Colfer

I think every time a movie gets made, it's a miracle. I would love to get to a point where it became easier and it wasn't so much of a struggle to get it done or finished. — Chris Colfer

I am older and have more control over my empathy,' said Qwan. 'That's why I didn't throw up.' And having said that, he threw up. — Eoin Colfer

The thing about reading is that if you are hooked, you're not going to stop just because one series is over; you're going to go and find something else. — Eoin Colfer

For every tear that rolled down Conner's face there were a dozen he fought back. — Chris Colfer

Busts, carvings, engravings, and symbols of King Ludwig's — Chris Colfer

I kind of did this thing in high school, a spoof of 'Sweeney Todd' called 'Shirley Todd,' and I had a great time doing that. — Chris Colfer

Youth is not an excuse for insanity. — Chris Colfer

There's nothing wrong with you. There's a lot wrong with the world you live in. And definitely get out of high school and make everyone sorry. — Chris Colfer

That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy."
Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us ... all those things."
But
buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know
the one with all the horror."
I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?"
Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me. — Eoin Colfer

He knew that Dr. Argon would advise him against bottling up his emotions as it would lead to psychological scarring in the long term. — Eoin Colfer

I've been lucky enough to work with the amazing Golden Globe Award winning Chris Colfer and that is fantastic. I get to work with him on a day-to-day basis and he is such a generous talent. Chris and I like to play. He always throws me things and I ping them back to him and it's really fun. We definitely have a very lovely rapport personally - I think on screen too - and I hope you can see that in the characters. — Darren Criss

It felt like my teeth were sweating. Eoin Colfer's The Legend of Spud Murphy — Eoin Colfer

Tacky T-shirts that said things like "My crazy Grandma traveled to India and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." They — Chris Colfer

I feel like little bits of my soul are being shipped domestically. — Chris Colfer

No, I don't think you understand just how stupid goblins are. Let me give you an example. One of the B'wa Kell generals, and this is their top fairy, was caught caught trying to pass off forged credit slips by signing his own name. — Eoin Colfer

Maybe greatness isn't about being immortal, or glorious, or popular - it's about choosing to fight for the greater good of the world, even when the world's turned its back on you. — Chris Colfer

What many people don't know about 'Peter Pan' is that it's a very violent book and Hook is one of the most finely observed villains ever. — Eoin Colfer

Ah, yes, the trusty time paradox. If I go back in time and kill my grandfather, then shall I cease to exist? I believe, as Gorben and Berndt did, that any repercussions are already being felt. We can only change the future, not the past or present. If I go back, then I have already been back.
- Artemis Fowl — Eoin Colfer

Let's just follow the Boy Scouts from Hades and hope for the best. — Chris Colfer

A pity to survive night flights over St. Georges Channel only to crack my skull falling from a ladder. — Eoin Colfer

What do you suppose 'Jack and the Beanstalk' is about?" she asked. Conner contemplated a moment and slyly grinned. "Bad beans can cause more than indigestion," he answered, laughing hysterically to himself. Alex pursed her lips to hide a smile. "What do you think the lesson of 'Little Red Riding Hood' is?" she asked him. "Do you think she should have just mailed her grandmother the gift basket?" "Now you're thinking!" he said. "Although, I've always felt sorry for Little Red Riding Hood. It's obvious her parents didn't like her very much." "Why do you say that?" Alex asked, wondering how he could have possibly construed that from the story. "Who sends their young daughter into a dark and wolf-occupied forest carrying freshly baked food and wearing a bright jacket?" Conner asked. "They were practically asking for a wolf to eat her! She must have annoyed the heck out of them!" Alex held back laughter with all her might but, to Conner's delight, she let a quiet chuckle slip. "I — Chris Colfer

It's a tough world to find yourself in, but an even tougher one to be yourself in — Chris Colfer

Artemis grabbed her shoulders, for once abandoning his shell of icy composure. "Holly, Holly, speak to me. Your finger is it okay?"
Holly wiggled her fingers, then curled them into a fist.
"I think so," she said, and whacked Artemis right between the eyes. The surprised boy landed in a snowdrift for the third time that day.
Holly winked at an amazed butler.
"Now we're even," she said.
Commander Root didn't have many treasured memories. But in future days, when things were at their grimmest, he would conjure up this moment and have a quiet chuckle. — Eoin Colfer

A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old. — Eoin Colfer

Orion:"Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round so that I may smite it."
Foaly: "Smite it with what? Your secret birthmark?"
Orion: "Don't you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have. — Eoin Colfer

Remember the pain?' thought Artemis. I hate myself. I really do. — Eoin Colfer

Card five hundred and thirty-four," repeated Artemis. "Of a series of six hundred standard inkblot cards. I memorized them during our sessions. You don't even shuffle."
Argon checked the number on the back of the card: 534. Of course. "Knowing the number doesn't answer the question. What do you see?"
Artemis allowed his lip to wobble. "I see an ax dripping with blood. Also a scared child, and an elf clothed in the skin of a troll."
"Really?" Argon was interested now.
"No. Not really. I see a secure building, perhaps a family home, with four windows. A trustworthy pet, and a pathway leading from the door into the distance. I think, if you check your manual, you will find that these answers fall inside healthy parameters."
Argon did not need to check. The Mud Boy was right, as usual. — Eoin Colfer

Because a life without meaning, without drive or focus, without dreams or goals, isn't a life worth living. — Chris Colfer

Don't listen to what people tell you because they'll try to bring you down. And don't listen to yourself, either, because yourself will try to bring you down even more so than anyone else. As long as you just put all your energy into one thing, it can happen. — Chris Colfer

My imaginary friends have become my imaginary children. — Chris Colfer

But anyone can write, right?'" Conner asked. "I mean, that's why authors get judged so harshly, isn't it? Because technically everyone could do it if they wanted to."
"Just because anyone can do something doesn't mean everyone should," Mrs. Peters said. "Besides, anyone with an Internet connection feels they have the credentials to critique or belittle anything these days. — Chris Colfer

It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget. — Eoin Colfer

Even after years of constant abuse from her stepmother and her stepsisters, Cinderella remained a good person with high hopes. She never stopped believing in herself and in the good of the world. And although she married the prince in the end, Cinderella always had inner happiness. Her story shows that even in the worst of situations- even when it seems no one in the world appreciates you-as long as you have hope, everything can get better... — Chris Colfer

Foaly twitched his tail contentedly. Genius. No point in being humble about it. — Eoin Colfer

Orion sniffed. "Good. Then, worthy centaur, perhaps you could give me a ride to the village on your way back. Then I can make a few pennies wth my verses while you build us a shack and perform circus tricks for passersby."
This was such a surprising statement that Foaly briefly considered jumping into the hole to get away. — Eoin Colfer

No matter what you do, you can never please everyone. And that was the hardest lesson to learn. In fact, I'm still learning it. — Chris Colfer

Careful with that," said the Doctor. "No need to get carried away."

Aldridge spun the scalpel like a baton. "Yessir. Careful is my middle name. Actually Clumsy is my middle name, but that doesn't encourage clients and it makes me sound like one of those dwarfs that are going to be so popular when moving pictures a get going. — Eoin Colfer

Fairy tales are much more than silly bedtime stories," the teacher continued. "The solution to almost every problem imaginable can be found in the outcome of a fairy tale. Fairy tales are life lessons disguised with colorful characters and situations. "'The — Chris Colfer

Anybody see you come in here?"
Holly thought about it.
"The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, M16. Oh, and the EIB."
Foaly frowned. "EIB?"
"Everyone in the building. — Eoin Colfer

I'm LEP. A captain. No rent-a-cop gnome is going to stand in the way of my orders. — Eoin Colfer

Chief of security : They have a tank! How did they get a tank up here? — Eoin Colfer

Hey, bodyguard. You better get down to the gymnasium. This jumbo pixie guy is killing your sister." "Really?" said Butler, unconvinced. "Really. Juliet just does not seem to be herself. She can't put two moves together. It's pathetic, really. Everybody is betting against her." "I see," said Butler, straightening. Mulch held the door. "It's going to make things really interesting when you show up to help." Butler grinned. "I'm not coming to help. I just want to be there when she stops faking." "Ah," said Mulch, comprehension dawning on his face. "So I should switch my bet to Juliet?" "You certainly should" said Butler. — Eoin Colfer

The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up. — Eoin Colfer