Colbert Stephen Quotes & Sayings

Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans. — Stephen Colbert

On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice. — Stephen Colbert

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow. — Stephen Colbert

Simply being a guest on David Letterman's show has been a highlight of my career. I never dreamed that I would follow in his footsteps, though everyone in late night follows Dave's lead. I'm thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go grind a gap in my front teeth. — Stephen Colbert

It's clear that when we're this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule the lesser species through intimidation. That's why the single most important thing you can do as a human is to dominate an animal. Need more proof?
"Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living
creature that moves on the ground." I'd say that about covers it. — Stephen Colbert

Good satire goes beyond the specific point it's trying to make and teaches you how to think critically. Even after your favorite cartoonist retires or [Stephen] Colbert wraps it up, you're not left believing everything they're telling you. — Aaron McGruder

Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once. — Stephen Colbert

Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta. — Stephen Colbert

It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls. — Stephen Colbert

Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative. — Stephen Colbert

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family. — Stephen Colbert

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars. — Stephen Colbert

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay. — Stephen Colbert

Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law. — Stephen Colbert

When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner. — Stephen Colbert

Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative. — Stephen Colbert

I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart. — Stephen Colbert

Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge ... or when I want to create some. — Stephen Colbert

I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely. — Stephen Colbert

The only thing that keeps us going back to one another is that we're all filled with such enormous self-doubt. We have doubts about our ability to be alone, to self-actualize. — Stephen Colbert

I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it. — Stephen Colbert

Do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid. — Stephen Colbert

It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies. — Stephen Colbert

Baby carrots are making me gay. — Stephen Colbert

Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book. — Stephen Colbert

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'. — Stephen Colbert

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. — Stephen Colbert

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig. — Stephen Colbert

Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it? — Stephen Colbert

I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert

If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children? — Stephen Colbert

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. — Stephen Colbert

If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself. — Stephen Colbert

John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation. — Stephen Colbert

Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological
Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in
America - less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair. — Stephen Colbert

I used to play a narcissistic conservative pundit. Now I'm just a narcissist. — Stephen Colbert

I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it's an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you're talking about politics or the media. — Stephen Colbert

That's why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can't channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot. — Stephen Colbert

Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals. — Stephen Colbert

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ — Stephen Colbert

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian. — Stephen Colbert

If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. — Stephen Colbert

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp. — Stephen Colbert

Citizens United said that transparency would be the disinfectant, but (c)(4)'s are warm, wet, moist incubators. There is no disinfectant. — Stephen Colbert

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. — Stephen Colbert

I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview "wrong." — Stephen Colbert

If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen? — Stephen Colbert

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in
one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies — Stephen Colbert

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. — Stephen Colbert

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor. — Stephen Colbert

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible - I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. — Stephen Colbert

Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship. — Stephen Colbert

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke. — Stephen Colbert

I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel. — Stephen Colbert

It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. — Stephen Colbert

Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight
from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That's right, "waste." I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet! — Stephen Colbert

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America
we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture. — Stephen Colbert

I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex. — Stephen Colbert

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion.
Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable ... in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90. — Stephen Colbert

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity. — Stephen Colbert

You can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out. — Stephen Colbert

In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations. — Stephen Colbert

I scream, you scream, we all scream ... for the truth. — Stephen Colbert

This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian. — Stephen Colbert

I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight? — Stephen Colbert

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell. — Stephen Colbert

You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction. — Stephen Colbert

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion. — Stephen Colbert

I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera. — Stephen Colbert

Live live to the fullest! Or else...you won't. — Stephen Colbert

We had almost exactly a year together as a couple after that. She wanted to swim the Great Barrier Reef. I wish we had gone. I wish we had read books to each other. We had one weekend of sexy-times in New York City while her father looked after the kids. I wish we'd had more. I wish we'd walked more. I wish we hadn't sat in front of the TV so much. It was nice, we cuddled, we laughed at Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers, but it didn't make much in the way of memories. We did such ordinary, banal things. Ordered pizza and played Trivial Pursuit with her sister and her dad. Helped the kids with homework. We did dishes together more than we ever made love. What kind of life is that?"
"Real life," Harper said. — Joe Hill

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am? — Stephen Colbert

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you? — Stephen Colbert

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns. — Stephen Colbert

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto! — Stephen Colbert

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland. — Stephen Colbert

As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds! — Stephen Colbert

I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes. — Stephen Colbert

I do love my country. I don't think I'm particularly a good American. I don't know what makes a good American. Other than somebody who - I like people who let other people alone. I think that's a pretty good American. And I keep my hands to myself. So I'm an OK American. — Stephen Colbert

I just want to do things that scratch an itch for me. That itch is often something that feels wrong. It's wrong because it breaks convention or is unexpected or at times uncomfortable. I like that feeling. — Stephen Colbert

News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point to communist societies like the Soviet Union - they worshipped blue jeans. — Stephen Colbert

Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay. — Stephen Colbert

We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike ... We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it. — Stephen Colbert

And my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, 'This is how you teach children, by making them cry.' And it was such a clenching reminder - she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too. — Stephen Colbert

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias. — Stephen Colbert

Everything in nature has found a niche, a perfect harmony of balance. Man need to find his niche, his perfect balance, where he fits in the natural cycle — Stephen Colbert

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law. — Stephen Colbert

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space. — Stephen Colbert

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying "yes" begins things. Saying "yes" is how things grow. Saying "yes" leads to knowledge. "Yes" is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say "yes'. — Stephen Colbert

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait
no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?! — Stephen Colbert

I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That's not me talking. You can't just buy those. — Stephen Colbert

I'm not just a pundit - I'm a comedian. — Stephen Colbert

Baptists:
I'm a pious guy, but even I have my limits. I draw the line right around spending 8 hours in church every Sunday. Church should be a solemn 45 minutes to sit quietly and feel guilty, with donuts at the end to make you feel better. I don't go in for a full day of singing and dancing and rejoicing, no matter how nice the hats are. I prefer my Gospel monotonously droned to me from a pulpit, thank you very much. — Stephen Colbert

I love 'Sunday in the Park with George.' I saw that when I was just, just starting theater school, and I remember singing 'Finishing the Hat' or at least reading the lyrics to 'Finishing the Hat' and other songs from 'Sunday in the Park with George' to my mom to try to explain why I wanted to be an artist. — Stephen Colbert

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up.
Of course, just because Jesus replaces the Old Testament doesn't mean that you should necessarily skip it. That would be like skipping Batman and Robin just because the story starts over in Batman Begins. The important thing to realize is that both the old and new stories are about an all-powerful being trying to rid the world of evildoers, only in the new one The Batman can eat pork. — Stephen Colbert

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion. — Stephen Colbert

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding. — Stephen Colbert

Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government. — Stephen Colbert

If you like Battlestar Galactica ... you're probably a huge nerd. — Stephen Colbert