Colbert I Am America Quotes & Sayings

President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry. — Stephen Colbert

Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action. — Stephen Colbert

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car. — Stephen Colbert

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far. — Stephen Colbert

I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. — Stephen Colbert

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family! — Stephen Colbert

The [Motion Picture Production Code] took effect on March 31, 1930, 5 months too late to prevent the Wall Street Crash, but early enough to keep The Sixties from happening until approximately 1964. (When America fell victim to the British Invasion). — Stephen Colbert

America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex? — Stephen Colbert

Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal. — Stephen Colbert

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not "America Well At Least She Has A Great Personality". — Stephen Colbert

We have this idea in our minds that there's this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics - not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course there isn't. — Stephen Colbert

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way. — Stephen Colbert

I stand by this man (President George W. Bush). I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound.. with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world. — Stephen Colbert

This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian. — Stephen Colbert

I'm the frosting on America's cake, and tonight I'm willing to let you lick the bowl. — Stephen Colbert

That's what's great about America: that our freedom of religion allows me to interpret the Bible exactly how it fits my worldview already. — Stephen Colbert

America has faced hardships in the past but we have always mounted a comeback! We defeated the Nazis, we defeated the Native Americans, we defeated the environment, we even defeated the Metric System! Kilos? Sorry, that's drug talk. This is America! Where we eat fruit by the foot, not muesli by the meter. — Stephen Colbert

America is exceptional. Does that statement shock you? It shocks me to have to say it! To be forced by your doubt to say out loud that America is exceptional implies something ugly. It's like telling the host of a dinner party 'I'm certain your wife is a female.' Saying it out loud just feels wrong. No matter how big her hands are. — Stephen Colbert

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. — Stephen Colbert

Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological
Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in
America - less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair. — Stephen Colbert

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor. — Stephen Colbert

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp. — Stephen Colbert

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America
we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture. — Stephen Colbert