Carolla Quotes & Sayings

People see me going around constantly flipping off lights and think I'm OCD. No, I'm just turned off by lights that are turned on unnecessarily. It's not about wasted money, it's just about waste. Whenever I see someone throwing out food, I just picture all the energy that went into making that food being lost - the diesel in the farm equipment that picked it, the energy in the fertilizer and the whole fertilizer plant, the truck that brought it to the restaurant, the BTUs used to cook it, and the electricity for the heat lamp at the shitty restaurant. All gone because you couldn't finish your taco salad. — Adam Carolla

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials. — Adam Carolla

Unfinished Beer Guy: I can't tell you how many times I've had a party on a Saturday night, and then walk around for an hour on Sunday morning, tearfully emptying 2,600 unfinished beers. I feel like the guys who removed the bodies from a Civil War battlefield. — Adam Carolla

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing. — Adam Carolla

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why. — Adam Carolla

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave. — Adam Carolla

My motto is "more mystery, less history". — Adam Carolla

It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants. — Adam Carolla

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show. — Adam Carolla

It's something I've always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing. — Adam Carolla

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff. — Adam Carolla

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn't imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I'm gone for six days it feels like too much. — Adam Carolla

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life. — Adam Carolla

Humans need challenges to overcome, just like a muscle needs resistance to grow. In a zero-gravity environment, an astronaut's muscles atrophy because there is no resistance. The government giving you a bunch of handouts and living your life for you is the equivalent of doing push-ups in outer space. Big government is like the void of space - it's massive, constantly expanding, and if we immerse ourselves in it, we'll simply wither away. — Adam Carolla

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful. — Adam Carolla

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian. — Adam Carolla

If the media isn't slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin? — Adam Carolla

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it. — Adam Carolla

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money ... and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn't very good at it. — Adam Carolla

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick. — Adam Carolla

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity. — Adam Carolla

If you want to know where someone is at physically, mentally, financially, and spiritually, look at where they're living. — Adam Carolla

I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age. — Adam Carolla

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff. — Adam Carolla

When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself. — Adam Carolla

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader. — Adam Carolla

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains. — Adam Carolla

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were. — Adam Carolla

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle. — Adam Carolla

You should never say to a superior, "I did my best," when you fuck up, because you are then declaring you are a fuckup. Your best is fucking up. If that's the case I'd hate to see you on a bad day when you were only putting in 50 percent. The answer is not "I did my best," it's "I'll do better. — Adam Carolla

They're not vegetarians because they love cows and pigs, it's because they love attention. — Adam Carolla

Figure out what to do, then take a nap. — Adam Carolla

As I've often said, this is the biggest problem we have in our society - unwanted kids. If we solve this problem we solve all the other problems. So we have to start judging. As I said before, we judge smokers more harshly than we judge deadbeat dads in our current society. Seriously, how many antismoking PSAs have you seen this week vs. ones saying raise your kids, or don't have kids if you can't afford them? And what's hurting our society more? People need to see that asshole and call him an asshole so maybe other people thinking about being assholes wouldn't become assholes. We stopped judging people a long time ago because the idiots on the left told us everyone is the same and that we couldn't do that. We need to bring back judging. — Adam Carolla

I am not a good cue card reader. — Adam Carolla

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear. — Adam Carolla

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist. — Adam Carolla

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible. — Adam Carolla

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel. — Adam Carolla

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays. — Adam Carolla

Now the poles have gotten so far apart that anyone who isn't officiating a gay wedding at a Whole Foods is considered to be to the right of Rush Limbaugh. — Adam Carolla

Here's one way to tell if you're driving how I want you to - nay, how America needs you to. Whenever I drive my dad around, I see him mashing his feet into the floor mat. The old man is using imaginary brakes because I'm driving so hard. When your passenger is trying to stop the vehicle with his feet like Fred Flintstone, this is the ultimate tip of the cap. — Adam Carolla

I've never really broken this down before, but, in movies, you almost have no connection to fans. And if you do TV, you're kind of connected, but they know you as the TV name not your real name. If you do radio, there's more of a bond there. And then if you do a podcast it's like you're literally inside of your fans. — Adam Carolla

Here's the thing about birthdays. Your dad didn't pull out. You didn't do shit. You didn't earn anything. I'll tell you who else has or had birthday celebrations each year: Charles Manson, Jim Jones, Osama bin Laden, Pol Pot, Jeremy Piven, and Ted Bundy. All the people you hate in life, all the pedophiles, all the murderers, all the IRS auditors have birthdays. I don't think we should celebrate Idi Amin's birthday and I don't think we should celebrate yours either. — Adam Carolla

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of. — Adam Carolla

The very definition of 'beauty' is outside. — Adam Carolla

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other. — Adam Carolla

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much. — Adam Carolla

When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person. — Adam Carolla

You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society. — Adam Carolla

I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial. — Adam Carolla

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name? — Adam Carolla

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy. — Adam Carolla

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances. — Adam Carolla

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome. — Adam Carolla

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around. — Adam Carolla

I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend ... I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex. — Adam Carolla

I don't know why I seem to be the only one who understands that when the government provides something for free - whether it's food, housing, or health care - there is a human cost. — Adam Carolla

To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do. — Adam Carolla

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay. — Adam Carolla

I have no connection with Hollywood. I'm not interested. I don't care. — Adam Carolla

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust. — Adam Carolla

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it. — Adam Carolla

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13. — Adam Carolla

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself. — Adam Carolla

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do ... — Adam Carolla

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the 'Every vote counts.' — Adam Carolla

As a kid, did you think when you grew up you'd be spoken to as if you were still in preschool? When did it become okay to treat adults this way? — Adam Carolla

Nowadays, telling your wife "I have to work" gets you a disappointed sigh. This is the worst period in history to be a dad. It used to be that if you worked and provided that was enough. — Adam Carolla

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone ... forever? — Adam Carolla

We have brains and we have books. — Adam Carolla

Screw guilt
I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist! — Adam Carolla

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is. — Adam Carolla

I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps. — Adam Carolla

I was a horrible student. — Adam Carolla

You can be an expert on anything if you just use logic. — Adam Carolla

Three-year-olds have no control over their lives. If you don't want your kids competing in pageants, you hold the power, not them. I sincerely doubt a six-year-old would hitchhike to the banquet room at the Sheraton and compete in the Little Miss Shaker Heights pageant herself if her emotionally damaged Mommy wasn't pushing her. — Adam Carolla

Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn't funny. — Andy Kindler

The government is a giant corporation with no competition that is constantly trying to keep you off balance so it can siphon more money from you. — Adam Carolla

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed. — Adam Carolla

Now the only thing we have on our hands is too much time, and we're turning on ourselves. — Adam Carolla

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road. — Adam Carolla

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food. — Adam Carolla

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course ... Real estate values go 'boom!' — Adam Carolla

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you. — Adam Carolla

I'm just a normal guy with some good solid common sense who has zero tolerance for those with zero intelligence. — Adam Carolla

If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station. — Adam Carolla

I also remember it was Sunday night because that was the time I felt most depressed and vulnerable. Somehow have a moment to contemplate the miserable, low-paying week that lay ahead was more painful than living it. — Adam Carolla

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality. — Adam Carolla

There are certain things women are better at than men. — Adam Carolla

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it. — Adam Carolla

You're working-class heroes, even though you don't work. — Adam Carolla

There are children in Africa that go to bed without a buzz. — Adam Carolla

Here's why guys are smarter than women. We're curious. We want to know shit. — Adam Carolla

My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of 'if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do.' It's the freedom and the independence. — Adam Carolla

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care. — Adam Carolla

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian. — Adam Carolla

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy! — Adam Carolla

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs. — Adam Carolla

My first car was a motorcycle. — Adam Carolla

Lets not focus on saving a nickel ... lets focus on making a buck. — Adam Carolla