C.k. Quotes & Sayings

My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes. — Louis C.K.

When you're fat, people naturally assume you aren't committed. They think you're not disciplined because if you were disciplined you wouldn't let yourself get fat. A + B = C. — K.L. Going

You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there. — Louis C.K.

The main thing is that the 'C' is silent, so it kind of starts with a 'Z.' Z-O-O-K-RIE. It's Ukrainian, on my dad's side. — Matt Czuchry

I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat. — Louis C.K.

Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even. — Louis C.K.

A writer doesn't dream of riches and fame, though those things are nice. A true writer longs to leave behind a piece of themselves, something that withstands the test of time and is passed down for generations. — C.K. Webb

You know, Goddie's been trying for years to turn me to the gay side," he says in a small, quiet mumble. "I was pretty sure that was never on the cards, until I met you. — K.C. Finn

When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore. — Louis C.K.

I love being divorced. Every year has been better than the last. By the way, I'm not saying don't get married. If you meet somebody, fall in love and get married. Then get divorced. Because that's the best part. Divorce is forever! It really actually is. Marriage is for how long you can hack it. But divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak. Nobody ever says 'oh, my divorce is falling apart, it's over, I can't take it.' — Louis C.K.

If you spend your whole life being depressed about life, you're wasting it. — C. K. Williams

Everyone needs saving, now and then. — K.C. Randall

One time, I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I was with a friend who said to me, You just littered on the street! Don't you care about the environment? And I thought about it, and I said, You know what? This isn't the environment. This is New York City. New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter. Next to Mexico City, it's the shittiest piece of litter in the world. Just a pussy, runny, smokin', stinkin' piece of litter. — Louis C.K.

Expensive quality work doesn't cost more - it pays. — Louis C.K.

My mouth went dry.
My vagina bats fluttered.
My Carly-cave collapsed. Fuck. F.U.C.K. Fuck. — K.M. Golland

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh ... I guess I said something, and, uh ... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she ... " Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it." — Louis C.K.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system. — Louis C.K.

Give a man your attention
Lose his
Ignore a man
Gain his attention — K.C. Rhoads

One becomes a grandfather and one sees the world a little differently. Certainly the world becomes a more vulnerable place when one has a grandchild, or now I have two. And I think that possibly there's some tenderness that came out of just time and age and being a parent and grandparent. — C. K. Williams

My 13-year-old daughter leaves the house at 7:15 every morning and takes a smelly city bus to school way uptown. It's like 8 degrees out, and it's dark and she's got this morning face and I send her out there to take a bus. Meanwhile, my driver is sitting in a toasty Mercedes that's going to take me to work once both kids are gone. I could send her in the Mercedes and then have it come back to get me, but I can't have my kid doing that. I can't do that to her. Me? I earned that f - ing Mercedes. You better f - ing believe it. — Louis C.K.

People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home. — Louis C.K.

I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard. — Louis C.K.

The last jobs I had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access TV station. As in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself. — Louis C.K.

Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian. — Louis C.K.

Don't say it is too hard or you can't find the words and please don't tell me there isn't enough time in the day. Writers start each day with a pen in their hand and do not make excuses. To be a writer is to do what is too hard, to find the words when others could not and make time no matter what. The proof is in the book you hold, the words you read and the stories that live on forever. — C.K. Webb

Ah hon, we all have our own demons to fight, guardians or not. — C.K. Dawn

I do love standup. I love comedians. They're my community. Also, because I know so many of them, I know the value of them. I know what they can do. — Louis C.K.

There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.' — Louis C.K.

Executives are constrained not by resources, but by their imagination. — C. K. Prahalad

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better. — Louis C.K.

Why is everyone so eager to assume I'm nuts? Just because I blurt out random bizarre statements and find dead bodies that disappear before anyone else sees them? — K.C. Held

Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on! — Louis C.K.

The future lies with those companies who see the poor as their customers — C. K. Prahalad

A thought is just a thought until you own up to it and give it depth and weight. — C.K. Kelly Martin

My kids and I figured out that there's a third kind of person, and I don't know what you call them, but it's somebody who sees that the glass is always full because it's half full with water and half full with nothing, so that's the third kind of person. I don't know what it is. — Louis C.K.

That catharsis is really the core of the incredibly personal comedy of Louis C.K. or Marc Maron or whatever. And look - I find it fascinating that I'm sitting here talking about some of these things, and not to low tones, and my kids are in the other room. I have to trust that if they hear what I'm saying and they have questions about it, I'll be able to answer it, and that's fine. But that's part of the scariness of it - the reality of opening up my own life and my own feelings. — John Hodgman

I'm gonna design my own fleet of trailers. No! I'm gonna record an album like Jennifer Lopez. It'll be an acoustic version of K.C. and the Sunshine Band. Then maybe I'll design a line of clothes like Puff Daddy, but all in synthetic fur. — Brad Pitt

91 He who dwells in a the shelter of the Most High will abide in b the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say [1] to the LORD, "My c refuge and my d fortress, my God, in whom I e trust." 3 For he will deliver you from f the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. 4 He will g cover you with his pinions, and under his h wings you will i find refuge; his j faithfulness is k a shield and buckler. 5 l You will not fear m the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, 6 nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday. 7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. 8 You will only look with your eyes and n see the recompense of the wicked. 9 Because you have made the LORD your o dwelling place - the Most High, who is my c refuge — Anonymous

I don't think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women. — Louis C.K.

If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor, you can't go - I guess there's forms of it. — Louis C.K.

Before I could say anything, Jamie began writing giant letters over the words with his index finger.
F-U-C-K Y-O-U.
My sentiments exactly. — Michelle Hodkin

Walk in Love EPHESIANS 5 j Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2And k walk in love, l as Christ loved us and m gave himself up for us, a n fragrant o offering and sacrifice to God. 3But p sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness q must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. 4Let there be r no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, s which are out of place, but instead t let there be thanksgiving. 5For you may be sure of this, that u everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous ( v that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. 6 w Let no one x deceive you with empty words, for because of these things y the wrath of God comes upon z the sons of disobedience. 7Therefore a do not become partners with them; 8for b at one time you were c darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. d Walk as children of light — Anonymous

If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb. — Louis C.K.

I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. — Louis C.K.

Regardless of how liberal Massachusetts may seem, the Celtics were totally GOP. Like Thomas Jefferson, K. C. Jones did not believe in a strong central government: The Celtic players mostly coached themselves. They practiced when they felt like practicing and pulled themselves out of games when they deemed it appropriate, and they wanted to avoid anything taxing. They wanted to avoid taxes. And they excelled by attacking the world in the same way they had been raised to understand it: You pick-and-roll, you throw the bounce pass, you make your free throws. If it worked in the 1950s, it can work now. — Chuck Klosterman

You can eat your seeds today or sow them for tomorrow. — C.K. Lin

The future," wrote C. K. Brightbill, "will belong not only to the educated man, but to the man who is educated to use his leisure wisely. — Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone. — Louis C.K.

My last name is Szekely. Sounds like Saykay. When I was a little kid I had an instructor in camp who called me Shnizneckely. He would make fun of my name and it hurt my feelings because I was a little pussy and I cried. He said, 'Well, how do you say it?' I said, Seekay. So he wrote 'C.K' on my jersey and everything. He made my name 'C.K' and I just stuck with it. — Louis C.K.

It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen. — Louis C.K.

The only road to doing good shows, is doing bad shows. — Louis C.K.

Bending instead of breaking," he repeats. "That's probably always a better option if you can take it, isn't it? — C.K. Kelly Martin

Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime. — Louis C.K.

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us. — Louis C.K.

Jesus, not dogma, is the center of the Bible. Some seem to regard a condition of salvation as the center of Christianity! But conditions are significant only because they are responses to Jesus as "Lord and Christ." (Acts 2:36). — K.C. Moser

Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis. — Louis C.K.

If I had only known kittens can climb drapes, perch on top of a traverse rod, and then screech like some femme fatale in a low budget horror flick to be rescued. That a kitten sounds like a herd of buffalo running on hardwood floors in the middle of the night. If I had only known a kitten's claws can sink through a sheet into your balls while you're jerking off. An old adage says, "Live and learn," and I amassed an encyclopedic amount out cat wisdom in less than twenty-four hours. — K.C. Kendricks

One person's data is another person's noise. — K.C. Cole

Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on. — Louis C.K.

Even the leftover carats of tar in the gutter, so black they seemed to suck
the light out of the air.
By nightfall kids had come across them: every sidewalk on the block was
scribbled with obscenities and hearts. — C. K. Williams

He watched Carl pouring coffee into a huge mug bearing a photo of a cute corgi, below which was the word Alastair. — K.C. Wells

How can you glorify God in your body, when it doesn't function right? ... What makes you think the Holy Ghost wants to live inside of a body where He can't see out through the windows, and He can't hear out the ears? — Frederick K. C. Price

I think poetry always lives its life, and people come to it and people go away from it, 'people' in the sense of larger numbers of people. It's as though you begin to think that poetry is a resource, and that at certain times people seem to need it or want it or can find sustenance in it, and at other times they can't. — C. K. Williams

After the last shovel of dirt was patted in place, I sat down and let my mind drift back through the years. I thought of the old K. C. Baking Powder can, and the first time I saw my pups in the box at the depot. I thought of the fifty dollars, the nickels and dimes, and the fishermen and blackberry patches.
I looked at his grave and, with tears in my eyes, I voiced these words: You were worth it, old friend, and a thousand times over. — Wilson Rawls

Infallible perception was definitely a downside of dating a Scion. — K.C. King

I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is. — Louis C.K.

Any doubt Gavin Kinshield had that he was in the right place vanished the moment he dismounted. The poplars and sweetgums, the shape of the cave mouth, the dirge-like song of a lone hermit thrush echoing through the trees - these things were as familiar as the boots on his feet. He gave Golam's flank an absent pat, and the horse ambled away to nibble a nearby bush. — K.C. May

Lost Wax"

My love gives me some wax,
so for once instead of words
I work at something real;
I knead until I see emerge
a person, a protagonist;
but I must overwork my wax,
it loses it's resiliency,
comes apart in crumbs.

I take another block;
this work, I think, will be a self;
I can feel it forming, brow
and brain; perhaps it will be me,
perhaps, if I can create myself,
I'll be able to amend myself;
my wax, though, freezes
this time, fissures, splits.

Words or wax, no end
to our self-shaping, our forlorn
awareness at the end of which
is only more awareness.
Was ever truth so malleable?
Arid, inadhesive bits of matter.
What might heal you? Love.
What might make you whole? Love. My love. — C. K. Williams

I like science fiction. Arthur C. Clarke, Philip K. Dick and Vonnegut, and I really like Margaret Atwood, 'The Handmaid's Tale.' And you know, so much of science fiction has to do with predicting what's to come, so I think that's really interesting. — Conor Oberst

One thing is very clear: the safest place and the best protection against the moral and spiritual diseases is a stable home and family. This has always been true; it will be true forever. We must keep that foremost in our minds. The scriptures speak of 'the shield of faith wherewith,' the Lord said, 'ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked' (D&C 27:17). This shield of faith is best fabricated in a cottage industry. While the shield can be polished in classes in the Church and in activities, it is meant to be handcrafted in the home and fitted to each individual. — Boyd K. Packer

The editing of a good piece of writing is like the editing of one's life: never quite complete; rendering all, ultimately, unfinished works when we perish from this earth. — K.C. Woodworth

Take a chance, amaze yourself! — C.K. Thomas

Now, if you're white and you don't admit that it's great, you're an asshole. — Louis C.K.

Reliable people have been seeing the phenomenon known as flying saucers for a thousand years and more. There are good reports as far back as 1500 B.C. and before. Thousands of people have seen some kind of navigable contraptions in the sky, and some have sworn it under oath. — Morris K. Jessup

It is a long journey, not just as a writer, but as a human being. Take nothing and no one for granted, be humble always, be kind especially when it's difficult and never forget the place where you came from and the people that helped you get where you are. These things will live on in you and through you, long after the words have faded. — C.K. Webb

If we took the mission statements of 100 large industrial companies, mixed them up while everyone was asleep, and reassigned them at random, would anyone wake up tomorrow and cry, 'My gosh, where has our mission statement gone?' — C. K. Prahalad

I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them. — Louis C.K.

Do the initials J.K. mean anything to you? — B.C. Chase

I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business. — Louis C.K.

I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about. — Louis C.K.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much. — Louis C.K.

I definitely look at my body and I go: 'Yuck.' — Louis C.K.

Wasn't I rapt?
Wasn't I ravished? — C. K. Williams

There's people that say "It's not fair You have all that stuff." I wasn't born with it. It was a horrible process to get to this. It took me my whole life. If you're new at this- and by "new at it." I mean 15 years in, or even 20- you're just starting to grow traction. Young musicians believe they should be able to throw a band together and be famous, and anything that's in their way is unfair and evil. What are you, in your 20s, you picked up a guitar? Give it a minute. — Louis C.K.

If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are. — Louis C.K.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way. — Louis C.K.

The kiss has started something bigger between us, and the lies I'm telling Stirling will only get worse from here on in. — K.C. Finn

If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like ... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no-there's a person." — Louis C.K.

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger. — Louis C.K.

I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff. — Louis C.K.

If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people. — Louis C.K.

I didn't make any kind of grades in high school. My mother was a single mom, putting my three sisters through college, and I was such a bad student that I knew I had no right to take her money. But I loved being in classes and learning. I took in a huge amount of what I learned, but I had a feeling of always being behind and being in trouble. — Louis C.K.

I don't feel those limits when I'm on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it's all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring. — Louis C.K.

If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to 'em. Even if they're wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have. — Louis C.K.

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction. — Louis C.K.

I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do. — Louis C.K.

In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo. — Louis C.K.

You'll win her with ya Irish charm and green eyes, so ya will. Now drink up ya coffee and stop whining like a baby. This girl's gonna have a fantastic night tomorrow. She's gonna worship da ground ya c**k drags on. — JoAnne Kenrick

Poor old G.K.C.! It's too bad he didn't live to see the change. What paradoxes he would have dreamed up! — Poul Anderson

Don't text or Twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing ... also it lights up your big dumb face. — Louis C.K.