Bierce Ambrose Quotes & Sayings
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Top Bierce Ambrose Quotes
A popular writer writes about what people think. A wise writer offers them something to think about. — Ambrose Bierce
LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp." — Ambrose Bierce
TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility. — Ambrose Bierce
CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. — Ambrose Bierce
A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. — Ambrose Bierce
PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence. — Ambrose Bierce
OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets. — Ambrose Bierce
CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." — Ambrose Bierce
CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. — Ambrose Bierce
PLEONASM, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. — Ambrose Bierce
CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on. — Ambrose Bierce
Death is a dignitary who when he comes announced is to be received with formal manifestations of respect, even by those most familiar with him. In the code of military etiquette silence and fixity are forms of deference. — Ambrose Bierce
HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. — Ambrose Bierce
Riven and torn with cannon-shot, the trunks of the trees protruded bunches of splinters like hands, the fingers above the wound interlacing with those below. — Ambrose Bierce
What did I fear, and why? - I, to whom the night had been
a more familiar face
than that of man
I, in whom that element of hereditary superstition from which none of us is altogether free had given to solitude and darkness and silence only a more alluring interest and charm! — Ambrose Bierce
OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures but attitudes. — Ambrose Bierce
Pun: A form of wit, to which wise men stoop and fools aspire — Ambrose Bierce
Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. — Ambrose Bierce
PESSIMISM- philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. — Ambrose Bierce
CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do "me"? — Ambrose Bierce
IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors. — Ambrose Bierce
An archbishop is an ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop. — Ambrose Bierce
Achievement is the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. — Ambrose Bierce
When he had ended, the holy hermit was a moment silent, then said: My son, I have attended to thy story and I know the maiden. I have myself seen her, as have many. Know, then, that she is capricious for she imposeth conditions that man cannot fulfill, and delinquency is punished by desertion. She cometh only when unsought, and will not be questioned. One manifestation of curiosity, one sign of doubt, one expression of misgiving, and she is away! — Ambrose Bierce
PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery. — Ambrose Bierce
Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. — Ambrose Bierce
PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility. — Ambrose Bierce
It has been observed
that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of
others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that
the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. — Ambrose Bierce
COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power. — Ambrose Bierce
Immigrant: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. — Ambrose Bierce
Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. — Ambrose Bierce
DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears. — Ambrose Bierce
Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it. — Ambrose Bierce
An auctioneer is a man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue. — Ambrose Bierce
JOSS-STICKS- Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. — Ambrose Bierce
STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. — Ambrose Bierce
DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse. — Ambrose Bierce
CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, author of 'Cogito ergo sum' to demonstrate the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved 'Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum' 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am' as close an approach. — Ambrose Bierce
LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears. — Ambrose Bierce
Potable, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which it is a medicine. — Ambrose Bierce
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others. — Ambrose Bierce
Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. — Ambrose Bierce
The ghost is the outward and visible signs of an inward fear. — Ambrose Bierce
Immoral: Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If mans notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from and nowise dependent on, their consequences-then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind. — Ambrose Bierce
BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. — Ambrose Bierce
CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance - against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance. — Ambrose Bierce
EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. — Ambrose Bierce
MAGNITUDE, n. Size [that is] purely relative. If everything in the universe were increased 1,000 diameters nothing would be any larger than it was before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be larger than they had been. — Ambrose Bierce
Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an element of pride. — Ambrose Bierce
A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle. — Ambrose Bierce
COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness. — Ambrose Bierce
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. — Ambrose Bierce
The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards them cheats. It is not permitted to you to wish to add another's advantages or possessions to your own; you are permitted only to wish to be another. — Ambrose Bierce
A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves. — Ambrose Bierce
Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. — Ambrose Bierce
Duck-bill, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season. — Ambrose Bierce
CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. — Ambrose Bierce
The covers of this book are too far apart. — Ambrose Bierce
MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders of republican America. — Ambrose Bierce
GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain-the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A. — Ambrose Bierce
PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. — Ambrose Bierce
Me, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three. — Ambrose Bierce
YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. — Ambrose Bierce
Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, for it is more frequently presented by those from whom we do not expect it, and so has against it a numerical presumption. — Ambrose Bierce
CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself. — Ambrose Bierce
TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics. — Ambrose Bierce
REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; Refusals are graded in a descending scale of finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by some casuists the refusal assentive. — Ambrose Bierce
WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God," "the day of wrath," etc ... — Ambrose Bierce
MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman. — Ambrose Bierce
Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. — Ambrose Bierce
Appeal. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. — Ambrose Bierce
WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil. — Ambrose Bierce
Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. — Ambrose Bierce
Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught. — Ambrose Bierce
HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. — Ambrose Bierce
DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets. — Ambrose Bierce
HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. — Ambrose Bierce
Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. — Ambrose Bierce
SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to collect. — Ambrose Bierce
Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom. — Ambrose Bierce
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. — Ambrose Bierce
READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang. — Ambrose Bierce
PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read. — Ambrose Bierce
Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. — Ambrose Bierce
MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occupants. — Ambrose Bierce
SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance. — Ambrose Bierce
HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate. — Ambrose Bierce
A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the bones of their proponents. — Ambrose Bierce
MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy, an officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. — Ambrose Bierce
Work: a dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing. — Ambrose Bierce
History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. — Ambrose Bierce
Youth is Gilead, in which is balm for every wound. — Ambrose Bierce
FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs — Ambrose Bierce
OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy. — Ambrose Bierce
Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling. — Ambrose Bierce