Best Stanhope Quotes & Sayings

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help. — Doug Stanhope

Her eyes were celadon saucers but bottomless, of such great depth that she could take in the knowledge of whole worlds and have room in that gaze for still more. — Dean Koontz

Coward is the most misused word in our society. — Doug Stanhope

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met — Doug Stanhope

The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking. — Doug Stanhope

Ridicule is the best test of truth. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

AA makes Scientology look credible, — Doug Stanhope

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs. — Doug Stanhope

I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech? — Doug Stanhope

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. — Doug Stanhope

The mere brute pleasure of reading - the sort of pleasure a cow must have in grazing. — Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl Of Chesterfield

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me. — Doug Stanhope

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child. — Doug Stanhope

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job. — Doug Stanhope

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised? — Doug Stanhope

If I was a freak of nature ... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall. — Doug Stanhope

A weak mind is like a microscope, which magnifies trifling things, but cannot receive great ones. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic. — Doug Stanhope

When a person is in fashion, all they do is right. — Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl Of Chesterfield

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party. — Doug Stanhope

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about. — Doug Stanhope

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist. — Doug Stanhope

But no verse, not Stanhope's, not Shakespeare's, not Dante's could rival the original, and this was the original, and the verse was but the best translation of a certain manner of its life. The glory of poetry could not outshine the clear glory of the certain fact, and not any poetry could hold as many meanings as the fact. — Charles Williams

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces. — Doug Stanhope

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA. — Doug Stanhope

Common sense is the best sense I know of — Philip Dormer Stanhope

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best ... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y. — Doug Stanhope

Men have various subjects in which they may excel, or at least would be thought to excel, and though they love to hear justice done to them where they know they excel, yet they are most and best flattered upon those points where they wish to excel and yet are doubtful whether they do or not. — Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl Of Chesterfield

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better. — Doug Stanhope

It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject; for I have known people, who have not said one word, hear ignorantly and absurdly; it has appeared by their inattentive and unmeaning faces. — Doug Stanhope

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes. — Doug Stanhope

I am here, Bella. Let me cherish you as you deserve.
- Sebastian Stanhope — Diana Quincy

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable. — Doug Stanhope

A poor gentlewoman, doctor, is the worst thing in the world — Lady Hester Lucy Stanhope

Common sense (which, in truth, is very uncommon) is the best sense I know of: abide by it; it will counsel you best. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke? — Doug Stanhope

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!" — Doug Stanhope

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead. — Doug Stanhope

I recommend to you to take care of the minutes; for hours will take care of themselves. I am very sure, that many people lose two or three hours every day, by not taking care of the minutes. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk? — Doug Stanhope

Idleness is only the refuge of weak
minds, and the holiday of fools. — Philip Dormer Stanhope

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit — Doug Stanhope

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons. — Doug Stanhope

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals. — Doug Stanhope

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny? — Doug Stanhope

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit. — Doug Stanhope

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop. — Doug Stanhope

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography. — Doug Stanhope