Best Mike Birbiglia Quotes & Sayings

This is my situation. I'm the kind of person who, for fun, writes articles called 'Aviation Club Soars into Orbit!' and an unhappy bully I've never heard of is sending out envoys. — Mike Birbiglia

I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents ... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad ... you should be a caveman." — Mike Birbiglia

When I was growing up, I didn't know who Jewish people were, what it was to be Jewish. — Mike Birbiglia

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it. — Mike Birbiglia

And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health. — Mike Birbiglia

So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000. — Mike Birbiglia

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.' — Mike Birbiglia

Every comedian comes to a fork in the road where they have to decide if they're going to make jokes about other people or make jokes about themselves. I chose myself. — Mike Birbiglia

It used to be that if you got on 'The Tonight Show,' your career was made. Now, if you're on 'The Tonight Show,' maybe 14 more people show up to your gig in Tulsa. — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes you'll have a heckler who's actually attempting to be supportive, but you don't realize it. Their way of expressing it is kind of confusing. — Mike Birbiglia

When I go to bed at night, I wear a sleeping bag. And for a long time, I wore mittens so that I couldn't open the sleeping bag. — Mike Birbiglia

What I always studied in screenwriting from my mentor John Glavin was that the most interesting characters are characters with shades of gray. — Mike Birbiglia

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don't know who you are, which is why they kill you. — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes my fans are too nice. — Mike Birbiglia

Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody. — Mike Birbiglia

Alienation, I suppose, can't be hackneyed because it will always exist. — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes people say, 'You're the best at digressions.' And that's actually a real compliment to me. — Mike Birbiglia

I've become good friends with Lena Dunham, and the thing I had in common with Lena when I was 24 is I was as ambitious as she was. What we don't have in common is that I was not as talented. My voice was not as clearly defined. — Mike Birbiglia

Ultimately, jokes are this really special thing that we can all share. It's exciting to have basically a thousand people in a room together that can laugh at the same time, but I think of it almost as, like, a religious experience. — Mike Birbiglia

When I was in college, I wanted to write for 'Late Night With Conan O'Brien,' and I was an intern there. — Mike Birbiglia

I always have the best story at the party. Anyone telling a story at a party is like, 'No, no, you've got to listen to my story!' I'm like, 'Step aside, everybody. I'm going to blow the doors off this place.' — Mike Birbiglia

I think serious situations actually make for the best kind of belly laughs. But they're also the hardest to convert into comedy at the outset. — Mike Birbiglia

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea. — Mike Birbiglia

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other. — Mike Birbiglia

I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents. — Mike Birbiglia

Everything about starting out in comedy is pride-swallowing, from handing out fliers to bombing in front of audiences. — Mike Birbiglia

The ability to workshop in stand-up comedy is incomparable to any art form, in my opinion. — Mike Birbiglia

I was completely unqualified to get into Harvard. But then I went to my interview for Harvard, and the woman asked, 'Why do you want to go here?' And I took out all of my comedy writing samples that I had done. I couldn't have been more delusional in terms of what I thought they wanted in a candidate for college. — Mike Birbiglia

I just don't give off a great first impression. — Mike Birbiglia

I drank the Kool-Aid of being a network star. Once it didn't happen, I realized it wasn't the best version of my comedy. — Mike Birbiglia

If I dream that I'm directing, it's not a film, it's like a commercial for cotton candy, and I've got four feet of cotton candy all around me that I've got to break through, like a brick wall or a fortress. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm a compulsive everything. — Mike Birbiglia

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy. — Mike Birbiglia

The people who are the worst at news, who kind of engage in what I call the World Wrestling of news, have kind of set the bar for where news is. — Mike Birbiglia

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk. — Mike Birbiglia

In some sense, Comedy Central has made their audience into comedy connoisseurs. — Mike Birbiglia

Someone gave me a piece of advice once, my first manager Lucien Hold. He said, 'If you do stand-up about your own life, no one can steal it.' I always thought that was the best piece of advice. — Mike Birbiglia

My last name has the word 'big' in it. It seems like a logical progression that if you shed away the Bir and the lia, I'll just be Big. — Mike Birbiglia

Jokes are so personal, and they bring us together in so many ways. — Mike Birbiglia

The list of fun and easily fixed brain diseases is very short. — Mike Birbiglia