Best Jimmy Carr Quotes & Sayings

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat. — Jimmy Carr

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job. — Jimmy Carr

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem. — Jimmy Carr

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way. — Jimmy Carr

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am? — Jimmy Carr

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea ... you never get that tea. — Jimmy Carr

Too much comedy is filthy these days. There's nothing they won't say. I like Jimmy Carr, but I don't like the language he uses. I don't understand why he feels it necessary; I find it extremely offensive. — Bobby Davro

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me. — Jimmy Carr

Throwing acid is wrong ... in some people's eyes. — Jimmy Carr

They say the people most affected by the credit crunch are pensioners - well, let go of the handbag then, Nanna. — Jimmy Carr

Not since Jimmy Carr have I seen a cold computer programme on stage generate so much laughter. — Robin Ince

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done. — Jimmy Carr

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus? — Jimmy Carr

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet. — Jimmy Carr

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling. — Jimmy Carr

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26. — Jimmy Carr

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one. — Jimmy Carr

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums. — Jimmy Carr

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike. — Jimmy Carr

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing. — Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr is a very nice man who works incredibly hard and has donated loads of money to good causes. He's done absolutely nothing illegal. — Rufus Hound

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!" — Jimmy Carr

Say what you want about the deaf ... — Jimmy Carr

It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group. — Jimmy Carr

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors. — Jimmy Carr

When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia. — Jimmy Carr

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books. — Jimmy Carr

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it. — Jimmy Carr

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service. — Jimmy Carr

You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face. — Jimmy Carr

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident. — Jimmy Carr

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.' — Jimmy Carr

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have. — Jimmy Carr

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead. — Jimmy Carr