Best Jackass Quotes & Sayings

The title of the class was listed in fresh dark ink: Introduction to Not Being a Stupid Jackass. — Patrick Rothfuss

I'm glad I found you."
"Gee, that makes exactly one of us," I muttered, not bothering to look at him. "Say, don't you have a wife to go bone?"
"You knew I was married all along, Topher." He sounded weary, as though I was being bothersome. Jackass. — Amelia C. Gormley

I think - I think it's a big deal. Bigger for him and Eve than for most people.' Shane kept his eyes down, fixed on the sidewalk and the steps they were taking. 'Look, ask him, okay? This is girl talk. I don't do girl talk.'
She punched him in the shoulder. 'Ass.'
'That's better. I was starting to feel like we should go shoe shopping or something.'
'Being a girl is not a bad thing!'
'No.' He took his hand out of his pocket and put his arm around her shoulders, hugging her close. 'If I could be half the girl you are, I'd be - wow, I have no idea where I was going with that, and it just turned out uncomfortable, all of a sudden.'
'Jackass.'
'You like being a girl - that's good. I like being a guy - that's also good.'
'Next you'll be all Me, Tarzan, you, Jane! — Rachel Caine

A group of ghosts is a fraid. No, really. I don't know what jackass came up with that one, but it's a real thing. A fraid of ghosts. Clearly, they've never seen a group of ghosts. Otherwise it'd be a "Pants-Shitting Terror" of ghosts. — Stephen Blackmoore

You'd better be careful, they are going to revoke your vampire license if you get any more romantic and mushy."
"Don't worry," Burnett said, his eyes pinched as if serious. "I can still be a jackass, and kick ass, when it's called for. — C.C. Hunter

I don't think it's cool when I have to announce that I'm gluten-free; in fact, I feel like a total jackass 99.9 percent of the time. — April Peveteaux

Why had she imagined he was attractive? He was absolutely the biggest, most complete and utter jackass she'd ever had the bad fortune to meet. — Christina Dodd

I moved to the counter. A note was propped on the register. Welcome home, Ms. Lane. Arrogant, overconfident jackass. — Karen Marie Moning

Galen?"
"Hmm?"
"You can put me down now."
"I'm not ready yet." He tightens his hold.
"You don't have to hold - "
"Emma? Can you hear me?"
"Uh, yes. I can hear fine. I just can't see - "
"That's a relief. Because for a minute there, I thought maybe you didn't hear me when I said I'm not ready yet."
"Jackass. — Anna Banks

The Jackass movies are honestly some of the best movies I've ever seen. I laugh so hard at them. Those guys are geniuses. If they had grown up with a different group of people, they could've been performance artists at Bard College, and people would be writing papers about them. — Louis C.K.

I felt like people really do their best work when they're having a really good time and feel safe to push the envelope and make a jackass out of themselves. — Clark Gregg

My voice of reason is always Lola. "You're a jackass."
"You only say that when I'm being your voice of reason."
"Out of my head, witch. And don't piss me off, I tell her. "I'll buy you underwear one size too small for Christmas and make you hate life. — Christina Lauren

How is it that you can go from decent human being to complete jackass in zero-point-two seconds? Did they teach you that in The Eye?"
He stopped, and his eyes glided over my lips.
"Actually, I'm just trying to see if I can make you mad enough to kiss me again. — Rachel Hawkins

The way that I look at it is that, when we film for eight months straight for a new 'Jackass' movie, I know that I'm going to wind up with at least two broken bones. I don't know when it's going to happen, but you can't contemplate how you're going to fall and what's going to happen. — Bam Margera

If looks could kill ... well, Dick was already dead, so nothing would happen. But Gabriel was not laughing.
"See Dick," Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mind. "Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That's funny. — Molly Harper

i aint the sharpest knife in the drawer , but i know enough to know that if your gonna be dumb you have to be tuff... i — Jose Torres

I have learned that one of the most important rules in politics is poise - which means looking like an owl after you have behaved like a jackass. — Ronald Reagan

Air ye deaf, lass?
I think. He might have called me a hairy jackass — Karen Marie Moning

Who would have thought working for an angry jackass would result in my getting fucked up against a cold window at work and liking it? — Christina Lauren

Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything. — Paris Hilton

Moi?" He put his hand over his heart and did his best wounded-innocent look. "You must be thinking of some other uncouth jackass. Which makes me jealous, by the way. — Rachel Caine

Whatever," I said. "It's getting cloying in here. Are we there yet?" He smiled. "Jerk." "Wuss." "Jackass." "Pansy." "Philistine." "Dandysprat." "Butthead." "Whiner ... — Jim Butcher

I am thinking that I don't want this to happen. I don't want to die. I don't want my friends to die. And to be honest, as the time slows down and my hands are in the air, I am afforded the chance to think one more thought, and I think about her. I blame her for this ridiculous, fatal chase
for putting us at risk, for making me into the kind of jackass who would stay up all night and drive too fast. I would not be dying were it not for her. I would have stayed home, as I have always stayed home, and I would've been safe, and I would have done the one thing I have always wanted to do, which is to grow up. — John Green

A burger and fries will be fine, servant."
"I appreciate your order, jackass."
"As you should, beauty. — Bijou Hunter

What?" my partner asked suddenly.
I jumped, guilty at having been caught staring. But, hell, I thought, might as well ask. "Are you two
you know?" I made a vaguely obscene gesture with my fingers.
He stopped walking so fast I was shocked he didn't get whiplash. "What?"
I waved toward the building. "You and Shandi."
Instead of answering, he threw his head back and brayed like the jackass he was. — Jaye Wells

You already made your point," I say with a mouthful of fruit.
"Did I?"
"Oh, for the love of dick, yes. Now leave me alone."
"Never. If you want, I'll fuck you now."
The gall. I wouldn't fuck him now if my clit was on fire and needed to be doused with nub-saving cum. I roll my eyes at him.
"No thanks, we have a lifetime of fucking ahead of us," I say mockingly.
He shrugs and starts to walk away as if it makes no difference to him one way or the other. He's such a jackass sometimes. Before I can stop myself I throw my half-eaten banana at him and it hits him on the back of his neck.
He spins around, wipes his neck and looks down at the banana on the floor.
"Did you really just fruitally assault me?"
He thinks he's so damned funny with his wordplay. — Ella Dominguez

And Nate? You kiss like a slobbering dog, you have bad breath, and you wouldn't know how to punch the right buttons on a girl if we came with manuals. Happy Thanksgiving, Jackass. — Elizabeth Eulberg

Jackass!" Eve yelled.
"You know, when people say that, I just hear the word awesome," Shane said. — Rachel Caine

A woman could love a jackass. She could not love a son of a bitch. Many have tried, Gideon. Many have tried. — Deanna Raybourn

In the past men were handsome and great (now they are children and dwarfs), but this is merely one of the many facts that demonstrate the disaster of an aging world. The young no longer want to study anything, learning is in decline, the whole world walks on its head, blind men lead others equally blind and cause them to plunge into the abyss, birds leave the nest before they can fly, the jackass plays the lyre, oxen dance. Mary no longer loves the contemplative life and Martha no longer loves the active life, Leah is sterile, Rachel has a carnal eye, Cato visits brothels, Lucretius becomes a woman. Everything is on the wrong path. In those days, thank God, I acquired from my master the desire to learn and a sense of the straight way, which remains even when the path is tortuous. — Umberto Eco

They?" he said, sounding apprehensive.
"Me. They're like me."
"Don't be a jackass," Roswell said, but not meanly. "No one's like you. — Brenna Yovanoff

According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind. — Conan O'Brien

Murray said, "Is this Heaven?"
The Voice said, "This is no place as you understand place."
Murray was embarrassed, but the next question had to be asked. "Pardon me if I sound like a jackass. Are you God? — Isaac Asimov

Jackass millionaires, hey, hey, Hollywood, here we come. — Brad Paisley

I don't want easy. I want the impossible. I want love so thick, I drown in it; it's the only thing worth having and, I'm sorry Kona, you're a nice guy when you're not acting like an entitled jackass, but I really don't think you're capable of being anything more than that. — Eden Butler

Yup," Heather replied. "Some jackass tries to prick me and I'm gonna prick him right back! Leave the bottle, bucko. Save ya a trip. — Jacob D. Lochner