Best Funny Weekend Quotes & Sayings

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys. — Daniel Tosh

Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy." — Jim Gaffigan

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment. — Tina Fey

It was funny to be an emcee, because you're so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 - and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank. — John Mulaney

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then." — Margaret Smith

No,' Dahlia said, 'because I think people like him think work is supposed to be drudgery punctuated by very occasional moments of happiness, but when I say happiness, I mostly mean distraction. You know what I mean?'

'No, please elaborate.'

'Okay, say you go into the break room,' she said, 'and a couple people you like are there, say someone's telling a funny story, you laugh a little, you feel included, everyone's so funny, you go back to your desk with a sort of, I don't know, I guess afterglow would be the word? You go back to your desk with an afterglow, but then by four or five o'clock the day's just turned into yet another day, and you go on like that, looking forward to five o'clock and then the weekend and then your two or three annual weeks of paid vacation time, day in day out, and that's what happens to your life. — Emily St. John Mandel

Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years. — David Letterman

This person called up and said, You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend. And I said, Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday. — Rick Fields

It was a Wednesday, I think. Yes, a Wednesday, that miserable day sandwiched between the dreadful Monday and Tuesday and the 'all right' Thursday and Friday, which ultimately gave way to what I hoped woud be a glorious weekend. — Gauri Jhangiani

Life's funny that way, kind of like a dad who thinks it's hilarious to tie his kid up in a dark closet and leave him there for the weekend. Yeah, — Patrick Thomas

Pleased to meet you," Tellin says, shaking me out of my reverie. "Lily told me much about you last weekend."
"Funny." Quince throws me a questioning glance. "She didn't mention you at all. — Tera Lynn Childs

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another. — Elizabeth Eulberg

A lot of the content that goes directly to the internet, or is web-created content, is very hand-held video where you can watch this woman fall off the coffee table, or see a funny little gag, or is interview-style stuff, which is great. I love that. I consume it like crazy. But, this is designed to be reminiscent of what you would see during primetime, and reminiscent of what you would see in a movie theater, on any given weekend, and in that regard, it's brand new. — Joseph McGinty Nichol

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. — George Carlin

But it was this tough little character part that I was playing, a very funny little guy that I invented over a weekend, because I realized I was not contributing to the humor of this thing. And I had to do something. — Dabney Coleman

Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out! — Chelsea Handler

It's a funny thing - when I'm crazed with work, spending time with my children relaxes me. Yet, at the end of a long weekend with them, the very thing I need to relax is a little work and time away from them! — Emily Giffin

I am such that person that, when I'm working, I'm like, 'Oh, what I wouldn't give for a weekend off!' And then, as soon as I have more that 18 hours without anything to do, I start shaking. It's really funny. — Cassidy Freeman

Paddy Eagan, stay away from falling signs for a bit and you'll be as right as rain come the weekend. — Elizabeth C. Bunce

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.' — Bob Monkhouse

I know what you mean. I usually take it out on my older sister. You can lease her for a weekend or something if you need a psychological punching bag. I'll even give you a discount. — Hayden Thorne

Dear Mom,
I won't be home this weekend because I'm wanted for treason and I have to clear my name. Also, I took the last Sprite from the fridge.
Love, Steve — Mac Barnett

For a moment, imagine the person you hope to marry. What do they look like? Are they funny, intelligent, kind? How do you hope they are living their life right now? Would it bother you if you knew they were hooking up each weekend or had five, ten, or fifteen different partners over the past several years? Or would it make you smile if you knew they were holding out for you? Why not live your life as you would want them to live theirs? Wait for the relationship. — Sean Covey

And I know someone who's
perfect for her. He works in my lab. He's smart. He's funny. His name is Bert."
Bert?
Is she fucking kidding me? What kind of sick son of a bitch names his kid Bert in this day and
age? That's just cruel.
"He'll show Kate a good time. I plan on setting them up this weekend."
And I plan on handcuffing myself to Kate's ankle and eating the key. Let's see what kind of good
time Bert can show Kate when she's dragging me around behind her like a Siamese twin. — Emma Chase

Are those the Edible Undies cupcakes?" one of the women in the kitchen asked.
"They're the Nipple Lickers," Kimmie answered. "Without the nipples."
"I heard you perfected the Sex on a Peach cupcakes," another feminine voice said.
"Can you squeeze me in for a double order of Spank Me Strawberries the weekend before Knot Fest? — Jamie Farrell