Best Funny Alcoholic Quotes & Sayings

When he was a kid, it used to feel like his parents disappeared when the got drunk. As the levels of their glasses went down, he could sense them pulling away from him, as if they were together on the same boat, slowly pulling away from the shore where Oliver was left stranded, still himself, still boring, sensible Oliver, and he'd think, Please don't go, stay here with me, because his real mother was funny and his real father was smart, but they always went. First his dad got stupid and his mum got giggly, and then his mum got nasty and his dad got angry, and so it went until there was no point staying and Oliver went to watch movies in his bedroom. He'd had his own VCR in his bedroom. He'd had a privileged upbringing, had never wanted for anything. — Liane Moriarty

At the time, my 6-year-old kept thinking my character's name was "Sam Alone," which is kind of brilliant. The funny came out of Sam's sad core: the alcoholic, the sex addict, the person who thinks he's God's gift. — Ted Danson

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. — George Carlin

I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn't notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway. — Michael Summers

Only a complete alcoholic can think life is funny ... any life! ... — Louis-Ferdinand Celine

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do. — W.C. Fields

He executed his commission with great promptitude and dispatch, only calling at one public-house for half a minute, and even that might be said to be in his way, for he went in at one door and came out at the other[.] — Charles Dickens

As the resident dude, Shane was responsible for the acquisition of party favors, like glow-in-the-dark necklaces and drinks. Non-alcoholic drinks for Claire, of course, because I am a stern house mother even if I suck as a role model. — Rachel Caine

College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic. — Natasha Leggero

If you drink anymore, you're going to be positively flammable. — Michaela Haze