Best Douche Quotes & Sayings

I processed his words, my lips searching for his clumsily in the dark. I felt his fingers squeeze my neck. And that douche choked me out. — Camilla Monk

Method rules his training, which blends the physical with the mental. How many chess masters put in, prior to an important match, an allotted time daily to bicycling and shadow-boxing, followed by a cold douche and a brisk rub down? — Hans Kmoch

You're smart, pretty, and you aren't a douche purse. — Gena Showalter

My car has wyvern giblets on the inside and fairy douche on the outside, I deserve the big shower! — S.L.J. Shortt

My mouth dropped open, because even if it wasn't my best friend, I knew the guy who was presently rubbing the short stubble on his chin. The only new thing about him was the little scar on his left eyebrow. It was Gabriel Green, known to me as Gabe the douche bag. Great! — Stephanie Witter

That dude is a class-A douche nozzle."

-Braeden — Cambria Hebert

You are a side effect," Van Houten continued, "of an evolutionary process that cares little for individual lives. You are a failed experiment in mutation. — John Green

Dad always told me that you can judge people by the way they treat waiters and assistants. By this measure, Peter Van Houten was possibly the world's douchiest douche. — John Green

Gryffindor is the courageous one right? I mean, I'm here because I have the balls to tell adults when they're douche bags, so yeah, Gryffindor. — Trish Cook, Brendan Halpin

And he paddled away in his douche canoe. — Joe Hill

It takes the right guy to show you how wrong the last douche bag was. — Srinivas Shenoy

It was a very imaginative, bitey possum and also a total douche-canoe. — Jenny Lawson

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love on like the same day - even Karen the douche bag falls in love! Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn as you drive by, "What? The 'tards just got married on their lawn. That's great! I have nobody, and the 'tards just committed to each other for a lifetime of 'tardiness". — Dane Cook

If a man tells you he's an asshole & that you deserve better, believe him...it's a warning. It's best you listen before he proves it to you. — April Mae Monterrosa

The guy just stood there. Hello. There're zombies everywhere. Try looking behind you, douche canoe. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

How can we be so utterly perfect, and you chose the douche who doesn't have the first clue what he has? — Melissa A. Craven

Father' is such an arbitary word. Douche bag, on the other hand ... — Becca Fitzpatrick

People are douche bags. Many people. Not all. But you know, most.
Which is why we destroyed the world. — Christopher Moore

Douche. You are a fucking douche shovel. — Kandi Steiner

Roller Boogie is a relic from - when else? - the '70s. This is a tape I made for the eight-grade dance. The tape still plays, even if the cogs are a little creaky and the sound quality is dismal. It's a ninety-minute TDK Compact Cassette, and like everything else made in the '70s, it's beige. It takes me back to the fall of 1979, when I was a shy, spastic, corduroy-clad Catholic kid from the suburbs of Boston, grief-stricken over the '78 Red Sox. The words "douche" and "bag" have never coupled as passionately as they did in the person of my thirteen-yer-old self. My body, my brain, my elbows that stuck out like switchblades, my feet that got tangled in my bike spokes, but most of all my soul - these formed the waterbed where douchitude and bagness made love sweet love with all the feral intensity of Burt Reynolds and Rachel Ward in Sharkey's Machine. — Rob Sheffield

He sprayed on a bit of this man's body-spray thing his mom had gotten for free at Walmart, feeling like a douche, but thinking it was better to feel like a douche than to smell like an asshole. — Lauren Oliver

He owns Douchedome. All assholes compete in the douche form of the Olympics at Douchedome. — Calia Read

Quick! What aisle are the douches in? I've got three bitches at the beach cottage and they all stick to high heaven."...
"You do carry Massengill, don't you? That's the best brand, according to my research."
"Ah..." What kind of man researches douches? A man who goes to bed with three women...
"Would you mind checking your inventory in the back? I'll need more."
"I'm not allowed to leave the register, but I'll be happy to page our stock boy."
Douche-man grunted and flipped the package around. "It's gonna take at least two boxes for Loa. She's big. Got wide hips. Skinny legs, though. Kinda like a twenty-gallon tank on toothpicks. — Vonnie Davis

I may be a douche to some people, but I actually do run companies. — Scott Disick

Six hours later, when I returned, I was greeted at the door- and this before it was even opened -by the overpowering smell of vinegar. What were my neighbors thinking? That a douche-obsessed woman with a gigantic, three-foot vagina lived next door? — Augusten Burroughs

I know Matt is your friend, but I think he's a douche bag. — Rebekkah Ford

This guy is an epic douche. Kick his shiny ass, Atticus, Oberon said.
I compartmentalized his comment and resolved to enjoy it later. I glared at this would be usurper and said in my most authoritative voice, "Aenghus Og, you have broken Druidic law by killing the land around us and opening a gate to hell, unleashing demons on this plane. I judge you guilty and sentence you to death."
Amen, Atticus! Testify! — Kevin Hearne

I'll rip the fucking asshole's dick off and stuff it down his douche-bag throat. Take my whip and cornhole the bastard peckerheaded fuckwad till his ass whistles "The Star Spangled Banner." Then I'll break the dried-up piece of jackwad's leg off and shove it up his ass. — Cherise Sinclair

What every girl should know: Your vagina is disgusting. It smells like the underside of a kangaroo pouch and he doesn't want to touch you because of the grossness. But thankfully, NEW brand douche, perfected by a leading gynecologist, gently cleanses and refreshes, making you feel feminine and special. Because what's more special than a vage filled with vinegar and chemical daisies? Also available in SPICY CINNAMON TACO, for the girl adventurer. — Kelly Sue DeConnick

There are five levels of the douche hierarchy: douche, douche bag, douche canoe, douche nozzle and right at the top, the king of it all, when the douche is displaying phenomenal amounts of doucheness, is a douche rocket. It's when someone is such a douche, like the KING of douches, they can no longer be described as a douche nozzle, they are ALL the levels of douchery put together, and douche rocked is used. — Christine Zolendz

Grinning again, Hayes walks back to his office. "I'll visit your douche-in-law after I get a few other things done." "Thank you." "Remember these heartwarming moments when I forget your birthday or name down the road. Oh, and I'm not giving you shit for Secretaries Day." "I'll steal some of your emergency cash from the sugar container and buy myself something for Secretaries Day." I hear Hayes laugh quietly. — Bijou Hunter

Young people are swaddled in delusion. You think you are more awesome than you are, the world more interested in you than it is, your countenance more dazzling, your ideas more captivating, and that LeBron James was just a natural talent recruited from a neighborhood pickup game. You don't want to practice, you don't see the value in sacrifice, and you are convinced there is some vast comedy conspiracy to keep you from buying your first Bentley and dating a model by the time you are twenty-five. Wow. You are a douche. — Aisha Tyler

Granuaile looked terminally depressed when she emerged from the bathroom with raven hair and, as a result rather Goth by accident. She didn't want to get her picture taken.
"Aughh!" she said miserably, looking in the vanity mirror in the truck of the cab and fingering a wavy curl near her temple. "This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before. You know what we look like? A couple of emo douche bags."
"Well, look at the bright side, Granuaile. Emo Douche Bags would be a great band name."
[That's brilliant! It's already the unofficial name of more bands than I can count.] — Kevin Hearne

It's the Law of Douche Bags. Douche bags walk away with enough holes in them to look like a colander, while good guys go down for the count with one random punch to the head. Sheri - one — Marcia Clark

What a douche," Reagan muttered. "I'm pretty sure my mom has that scarf. — Rainbow Rowell

Your attempt at GQ has, tragically, ended in douche-bag. - Anna, Seers of Light — Jennifer DeLucy