Best Daniel Tosh Quotes & Sayings

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. — Daniel Tosh

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up? — Daniel Tosh

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?! — Daniel Tosh

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11. — Daniel Tosh

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars. — Daniel Tosh

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars. — Daniel Tosh

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad. — Daniel Tosh

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair. — Daniel Tosh

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts. — Daniel Tosh

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane. — Daniel Tosh

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English. — Daniel Tosh

Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck — Daniel Tosh

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough. — Daniel Tosh

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon. — Daniel Tosh

You are a sick freak who should be beaten. — Daniel Tosh

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best. — Daniel Tosh

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot. — Daniel Tosh

I can say that. I have a television show. — Daniel Tosh

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies! — Daniel Tosh

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them. — Daniel Tosh

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it. — Daniel Tosh

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? — Daniel Tosh

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. — Daniel Tosh

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed. — Daniel Tosh

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable. — Daniel Tosh

There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one. — Daniel Tosh

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders. — Daniel Tosh

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets. — Daniel Tosh

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes. — Daniel Tosh

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test. — Daniel Tosh

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body. — Daniel Tosh

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun. — Daniel Tosh

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long. — Daniel Tosh

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. — Daniel Tosh

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head? — Daniel Tosh

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow. — Daniel Tosh