Best Amy Schumer Quotes & Sayings

I think for anyone to become good at something, they have to fail a lot too. And they have to be completely unafraid to fail or they'll never make it to the next level. — Amy Schumer

If you're a true introvert, other people are basically energy vampires. You don't hate them; you just have to be strategic about when you expose yourself to them - like the sun. — Amy Schumer

I only met Joan Rivers once. But when she passed away, it felt like a part of me went away, too. — Amy Schumer

I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you. — Amy Schumer

I would be like the third-hottest bartender at a Dave & Buster's in Cincinnati. — Amy Schumer

They weren't ashamed of their bodily functions and they didn't lie to themselves or others. They had no patience for small talk or false pretenses. They would laugh when they wanted to like there was no tomorrow, and cry their eyes out when they felt like it. Basically, I had finally found my people. HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY I always fantasized about losing my virginity the way I think most girls envision their weddings: being surrounded by my friends and family, with a clergyman present. — Amy Schumer

She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant. — Amy Schumer

It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride? — Amy Schumer

Social media is a great tool for all of us introverts and decent people alike as it speeds up the time between thinking someone is great and realizing they're the worst. I — Amy Schumer

To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people. — Amy Schumer

Whatever the joke is has to be funny, and not coming from a mean-spirited place. I think some things are totally off limits. If someone's spouse died, or one of their children, I would never joke about that. I don't have any aspirations towards writing any cancer jokes, and there's some stuff that I think is definitely taboo. — Amy Schumer

Laughter is the best way to get over something or get closer to something. It's one of the things I respect most about Amy Schumer. She's found a way to get us closer to ourselves and see the ugly side of humanity, but not in a way that's pointing a finger or that's angry. She does it in a way that makes us see the absurdity and laugh at it. — Brie Larson

As women, most interactions from around age eight on teach us to keep things cool so no one is inspired to, God forbid, call us the U or F words: "ugly" or "fat." I'm not the first to point out how women are taught that our value comes from how we look, and that it takes a lifetime (or at least until menopause) for most women to undo this awful lie. As — Amy Schumer

I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be. — Amy Schumer

Let's all just follow the lead of Glamour, and join forces and lift each other up. — Amy Schumer

He was really into family ... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife. — Amy Schumer

... and left decimated. Not for myself, but for all the single women out there trying to date. I wanted to run to the top of the Empire State Building and make an announcement to all of them to let them know they are worth so much more than this. That they don't need to wrangle some warm body to sit next to them just so they aren't alone on holidays. That they should never let a magazine or dating site or matchmaker monster tell them they're in a lower bracket of desirability because of their age or weight or face or sense of humor. — Amy Schumer

It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna! — Amy Schumer

I'm not bulletproof, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this. As women, we relive our fears all the time, despite our best efforts to build each other up and truly love ourselves. It happens. — Amy Schumer

Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that. — Amy Schumer

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value. — Amy Schumer

She made my favorite breakfast and recruited me to be the cheerleader of her mistake. — Amy Schumer

The girls that I grew up with, and my friends and I, we just never had interests in common. I loved comedy. I loved Saturday Night Live, Gilda Radner, Lucille Ball, and Goldie Hawn movies. I just wanted to laugh. I liked women in comedy, and I liked male comics as I got a little older. My interests just never matched up with other girls'. — Amy Schumer

Women are always expected to be the gracious hostess, quick with an anecdote and a sprinkling of laughter at others' stories. We are always the ones who have to smooth over all the awkward moments in life with soul-crushing pleasantries. We are basically unpaid geishas. But when we do not fulfill this expectation ( because we are introverted ) people asume we must be either depressed or a cunt". — Amy Schumer

I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head. — Amy Schumer

I always did plays, I got the comedic roles in college ... or, uh, the ones that would get naked. — Amy Schumer

I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.' — Amy Schumer

I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me. — Amy Schumer

I'm a real woman who digests her meals and breaks out and has sweet little pockets of cellulite on her upper thighs that she's not apologizing for. Because guess what? We all have that shit. We're all human beings. — Amy Schumer

I'm still proud of a lot of my jokes when I started. — Amy Schumer

My hustle has often involved food, because, much like household pets or toddlers, I am food-motivated, which is a handy thing to know about me. — Amy Schumer

My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college. — Amy Schumer

It's relaxing sometimes, just being human. — Amy Schumer

He rose grumpily, fell to the floor, and crawled. I looked at his exposed butt crack, a dark unkempt abyss that I was falling into. I was short of breath. I felt paralyzed. His asshole was a canyon. This was my 127 hours. I needed to chip away at the rock and get out. — Amy Schumer

We all accept too easily that life has to be hard and forget to make sure we have the most fun we can. — Amy Schumer

I only wear heels when it's 100-percent required, and even sometimes not then. I have to talk myself into a bra. I've done an hour of standup where I've been like, "I don't have to wear a bra tonight." If you're going to be on camera, you have to get it together, but other than that, I am pretty lazy as a woman. — Amy Schumer

Being an introvert doesn't mean you're shy. It means you enjoy being alone. Not just enjoy it - you need it. If you're a true introvert, other people are basically energy vampires. You don't hate them; you just have to be strategic about when you expose yourself to them - like the sun. They give you life, sure, but they can also burn you and — Amy Schumer

Focus on your own goals and how to achieve them. No one took your spot, there's room for all of us. — Amy Schumer

Seeing the people I love happy. 4. — Amy Schumer

The saddest realization I've had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment. — Amy Schumer