Behrendt Quotes & Sayings

Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep. — Greg Behrendt

Don't spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything
related to his feelings for you — Greg Behrendt

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake. — Greg Behrendt

He doesn't have to love your CD collection. He doesn't have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family - especially when they're great. — Greg Behrendt

As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that's why I call her as often as I do. — Greg Behrendt

Good enough to tweet, not to say. — Greg Behrendt

Better than nothing is not good enough for you! — Greg Behrendt

A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared. — Greg Behrendt

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less
even a vague pathetic facsimile of less
than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to. — Greg Behrendt

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones. — Greg Behrendt

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. — Greg Behrendt

Sometimes we become attached to what's familiar, and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable, even if they are bad for us. — Greg Behrendt

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you. — Greg Behrendt

She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus. — Greg Behrendt

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks. — Greg Behrendt

I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you're doing a trick, I'm easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I'm quite certain you're a wizard. But I don't like the way most magicians don't act like they're magical; they act like show business dicks. — Greg Behrendt

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy. — Greg Behrendt

Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you? — Greg Behrendt

People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade. — Greg Behrendt

Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time. — Greg Behrendt

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company. — Greg Behrendt

When we're picking someone who we want to spend a lot of time with, even perhaps for the rest of our lives, we generally try to pick someone who likes to do the things we like to do. — Greg Behrendt

When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off of you. — Greg Behrendt

You already have one asshole, you don't need another one — Greg Behrendt

Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges — Greg Behrendt

Let's start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. What other choice is there? — Greg Behrendt

It's an odd thing to think about, but try imagining that your breakup is a disease. If you were told that you had a serious yet curable disease, would you go get hammered on a regular basis? Eat two bags of Oreos? Chain-smoke, pop, pills, get stoned, or fuck around? NO YOU WOULDN'T. You would take great care of yourself and cut all the unhealthy things out of your life. Because you love yourself, and even if you don't right now, WE DO. So put the (insert vice here) and start moving on. — Greg Behrendt

Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I've gotten older. But now I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. — Greg Behrendt

Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you're lucky to be rid of. — Greg Behrendt

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe ... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is ... just ... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. — Greg Behrendt

An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of 'ruining the friendship. — Greg Behrendt

Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they're working it out on your time and with your heart. — Greg Behrendt

Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. — Greg Behrendt

There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him. — Greg Behrendt

The best thing that can happen in a relationship is when you are the same person you were before the relationship started. You are not hiding anything, and you still have a life of your own. The other best thing is sex - that is a super positive. — Greg Behrendt

The time it takes to feel better about a breakup is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself. — Greg Behrendt

Alone also means available for someone outstanding. — Greg Behrendt

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie! — Greg Behrendt

You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don't need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith. — Greg Behrendt

Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time? — Greg Behrendt

The quickest way to rectify that mistake (choosing the wrong person) is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future. — Greg Behrendt

He doesn't need to be reminded you're great. — Greg Behrendt

I was always funny, but I wasn't a great musician, and I wanted to be a musician way more than I wanted to be a comic. I just didn't think comedians were cool when I was a kid. — Greg Behrendt

There was no closure to be had, just jail time in my head. What's he doing? What's he thinking? Does he still love me? Does he love her more? Is he thinking that he made a mistake? It doesn't matter, because the cold hard truth was that he didn't love me enough to want to be with me. It took me a while, but I ultimately realized that I had to physically separate myself from all the things that were keeping me stuck inside my obsessive mind. — Greg Behrendt

If the guy you're dating doesn't seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start 'figuring him out,' please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is. — Greg Behrendt

Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex. — Greg Behrendt

He's just not that into you. — Greg Behrendt

How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'? — Greg Behrendt

Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people ... Because they'll let you down. — Greg Behrendt

Uncool is a cool resting place. The pressure's off me. — Greg Behrendt

The great thing about comedy is that the longer you've been alive, the more you have to talk about and the better you get. I've got some miles and some road savviness that some other guys don't have. — Greg Behrendt

We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, "You're not the
one." We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us. — Greg Behrendt

Being a winner in life means finding a way to keep yourself in the personal space where you're being the best and most vibrant you instead of the smallest you. That is the secret to success in anything you want to do in life. That means not comparing yourself to anyone else and concentrating on you. Because when your self-esteem is in the shitter and you don't feel worthy, you look to others for validation, you settle for crappy things and all you get is crappy things and who wants that? — Greg Behrendt

Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself — Greg Behrendt

I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh. — Greg Behrendt

If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat. — Greg Behrendt

Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing. — Greg Behrendt

Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating. — Greg Behrendt

I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly. — Greg Behrendt

Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside. — Greg Behrendt

Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: They don't break up with you. — Greg Behrendt

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right. — Greg Behrendt

Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears. — Greg Behrendt

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts. — Greg Behrendt

I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person - you are a different person. It's superficial change that can lead to real change. — Greg Behrendt

Remember always what you set out to get, and please don't settle for less. — Greg Behrendt

My buddy Tom ... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening. — Greg Behrendt

I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships. — Greg Behrendt

Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you? — Greg Behrendt

If he was so great, you'd still be together. — Greg Behrendt

Always be classy. Never be crazy. — Greg Behrendt

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships. — Greg Behrendt

You are not easily forgotten. — Greg Behrendt

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don't even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they'd do. So if a guy you're dating doesn't call when he says he's doing to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a man who's at least as good as his word. — Greg Behrendt

People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love. — Greg Behrendt

Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would ... — Greg Behrendt

My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day. — Greg Behrendt

I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs. — Greg Behrendt

What sucks even more is getting hung up on the "what is he thinking and feeling?" shit. Does he miss me as much as I miss him? No. If he did, you'd know it by his actions. Is he seeing someone else? Maybe. Probably. Or at least he's planning on it. Again-it sucks, but if you get real about it you'll realize that knowing the answers to these questions still doesn't change the fact that your relationship didn't make the cut. — Greg Behrendt

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh. — Greg Behrendt

The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric. — Greg Behrendt

When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you'd like them to be. — Greg Behrendt

There's nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you're busy or just want to flirt, but it's hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree. — Greg Behrendt

If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs. — Greg Behrendt

There will never be a good time, financially, to get married, unless you're Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you, it's your relationship that's insecure, not his bank account. — Greg Behrendt

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father. — Greg Behrendt

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you. — Greg Behrendt

A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it. — Greg Behrendt

Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better, not worse. — Greg Behrendt

One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes relationship just end, often without reason. I truly believe that sometimes both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning — Greg Behrendt

I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show. — Greg Behrendt

Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that's great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where's your Metallica? — Greg Behrendt

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!' — Greg Behrendt

I don't have a massive fan base. I don't have Patton Oswalt numbers, but the fan base I have is incredibly generous, and of the 22,000 people who follow me on Twitter, I think almost all of those people participate. — Greg Behrendt

I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want. — Greg Behrendt

This life is yours and no one else's, and if you spend your time looking at other people's pages, you'll never get anything done. — Greg Behrendt

I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it. — Greg Behrendt

Hey, Hot Stuff, Can't wait till you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it's soon. You're way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I'm out here waiting. Your Future — Greg Behrendt

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it's not so much about the theme of the show. — Greg Behrendt

It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go. — Greg Behrendt