Army Humor Quotes & Sayings

The things you see in Army barracks sometimes defies logic. After a while, you give up trying to rationalize and understand such things ... you just accept them as your new reality. — Scott Burkett

I asked "What do you even do with a chimera?"
"What wouldn't you do with a chimera?" Jeff asked. "They're like the Swiss Army knife of animals. — Chloe Neill

US government button specifications run to twenty-two pages. This fact on its own yields a sense of what it is like to design garments for the Army. — Mary Roach

Hey, Tracy you army brat, I think it's for you! — Mark Mackey

Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?"
It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army."
I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant."
My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.
My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.
That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life."
I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile. — Janet Evanovich

I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons."
"If you're the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks? — Kresley Cole

Anyway, I think I made a bit of progress."
"How did you manage that?"
"Well, they liked that you served in the First Army, and that you saved their prince's life."
"After he risked his own life rescuing us?"
"I may have taken some liberties with the details."
"Oh, Nikolai will love that. Is there more?"
"I told them you hate herring."
"Why?"
"And that you love plum cake. And that Ana Kuya took a switch to you when you ruined your spring slippers in puddles."
I winced. "Why would you tell them all that?'
"I wanted to make you human," he said. "All they see when they look at you is the Sun Summoner. They see a threat, another powerful Grisha like the Darkling. I want them to see a daughter or a sister or a friend. I want them to see Alina."
I felt a lump rise in my throat. "Do you practice being wonderful?"
"Daily," he said with a grin. Then he winked. "But I prefer 'useful. — Leigh Bardugo

We heard the army before we saw it.
The noise was like a cannon barrage combined with a football stadium crowd- like every Patriots fan in New England was charging us with bazookas. — Rick Riordan

Basilard, can you cover our trail?
Basilard rubbed his head dubiously. Maldynado, Books, and Akstyr leave trail like marching army. — Lindsay Buroker

Hey!" Caleb snapped as he realized Nick was about to lock him on the outside with their attackers. He pushed the door open and glared at him. "No man left behind."
Nick scoffed. "This aint' the army, boy. It's every man for himself. Fall behind. Get eaten — Sherrilyn Kenyon

And now she has you seizing control of my army."
"Your army? I thought this was Gaunt's."
"So did he. — Michael J. Sullivan

So what were your favorite subjects in school?"
"School?" He leaned back in his chair as though he needed the extra space to think about it. "Probably math. It always made sense. Unlike English, economics, and girls."
"And exactly how do you plan on taking over the free world if you don't understand economics?"
"I'll hire advisers. I'll hire you, in fact."
"Okay. Let me know when your army of junior high zombies is ready. — Janette Rallison

The Continental army got more generals than they got private soldiers, these days. An officer lives through more 'n two battles, they make him some kind of general on the spot. Now, gettin' any pay for it, that's a different kettle of fish. — Diana Gabaldon

-She paints some, Stanley said in a vindicatory tone.
-Paints! Did you see the abstract she did for the Army Air Force? the face persisted. -For a psychological test, they used it to pick out the queers, if you were queer the painting didn't look like anything, if you weren't it looked like a snatch. — William Gaddis

Yeah. Floyd is his batman."
His what?"
Batman, like in the British army, each officer had a batman, a personal servant."
You spend too much time reading, Spenser. You know more stuff that don't make you money than anybody I know. — Robert B. Parker

We should fund the armies of compassion, we should not discriminate against faith-based programs. — George W. Bush

WE do try to eat," Raoul called back to her [Kel]. I go all faint if I don't get fed regularly. Only think of the disgrace to the King's Own if I fell from the saddle."
"But there was that time in Fanwood," a voice behind them said.
"That wedding in Tameran," added the blonde Sergeant Osbern, riding a horse-length behind Kel.
"Don't forget when what's-his-name, with the army, retired," yelled a third.
"Silence, insubordinate curs!" cried Raoul. "Do not sully my new squire's ears with your profane tales!"
"Even if they're TRUE?" That was Dom. It seemed Neal wasn't the only family member versed in irony. — Tamora Pierce

For the life of me, I did not understand how he[Atticus] could sit there in cold blood and read a newspaper when his only son stood an excellent chance of being murdered with a Confederate Army relic. — Harper Lee

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. — Billiam Coronel

The other day, we went somewhere, and did something. — Colby Buzzell

I'm going to imagine that converstion now. 'Hi, Mom, it's me. I ran away to Paris with a stranger I met under a bridge. He's really old, too, like twenty-five or something, and a soldier, so I helped him desert from his army, and, oh, did I mention he's a Communist' ... — Rosanne Parry

She says with that misty
far-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

There are only two things to be done when a general is angry: One is to get behind the furniture and pretend one is not there; the other is to distract his mind. — Mary Roberts Rinehart

We waited for Congress to act. They couldn't act on the issue. So I just went ahead and signed an executive order which will unleash - [applause] - which says the federal agencies will not discriminate against faith-based programs. They ought to welcome the armies of compassion as opposed to turning them away. — George W. Bush

She accused me of wearing pants from the salvation army."
"Rose, your pants ARE from the salvation army."
"That's SO not the point! — Richelle Mead

If the chief party, whether it be the people, or the army, or the nobility, which you think most useful and of most consequence to you for the conservation of your dignity, be corrupt, you must follow their humor and indulge them, and in that case honesty and virtue are pernicious. — Niccolo Machiavelli

I was just kidding, shuck-face," Minho said. "Let's all go over there. She could have an army of psycho girl ninjas hiding in that shack of hers."
"Psycho girl ninjas?" Newt repeated, his voice showing he was surprised, if not annoyed, by Minho's additude. — James Dashner

Military Wives - Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

Did you see me disarm Hermione, Harry?"
"Only once" said Hermione stung. "I got you loads more then you got me - "
"I did not only get you once, I got you at least three times - "
"Well if you're counting the one where you tripped over your own feet and knocked the wand out of my hand - — J.K. Rowling

His gaze settled on her mouth. "Have you been kissed before, inspector?"
"Why?" If he wanted virgin lips, she'd claim to have serviced an army.
"If it's your first, I'll do it differently."
"You won't do it at all."
"Yes, I will. — Meljean Brook

Cal: "I'm really sorry, Professor, but how do you explain these ? Swiss Cake Rolls. That doesn't rhyme; it's not cute; it's not childlike. And this is one of our most-respected snack foods, is it not? How is that, Professor? Hmmm?"
Eliot: "Well, isn't it obvious? We trust the Swiss for their ability to engineer things, to build with precision."
Cal: "We do?"
Eliot: "Do I even have to mention Swiss watches? Swiss Army knives? Swiss cheese? If anyone can build a non-threatening, non-lethal snack cake, it's the Swiss. They're neutral, we can trust them not to attack us with trans-fatty acids and sugar. I think you would feel differently if they were German Cake Rolls. North Korean Cake Rolls. I bet you wouldn't eat them."
Cal: "I bet I would. — Brad Barkley

We are legion, an army of millions. Though most of us will go to any length to hide our compulsions, we recognize one another. The guy using a paper towel to turn the restroom doorknob, the child counting his eyelashes, the old man wearing Kleenex boxes for shoes - these are my brothers. We are a secret tribe. We're like Freemasons, except that our secret handshake is followed by a vigorous washing session. — Jennifer Traig

A cavalryman's horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this. — Steven Pressfield

But, hey, remember: If things don't work out in your life, you can always just turn to drugs or join the Army. — Jason Christopher Hartley

Walking alongside his apprentice's horse, Sethil Longmere, magus of the Third Circle, Magi Master of Dormir's army, and a man who had seen more years than most men could count, did his best to keep his apprentice Rousche from falling off his gelding. The dun horse had a sure foot and a good temper, but it seemed unlikely the animal was used to a grown man lying face first in its mane, legs sprawled behind, dangling with each step. — Clifton Hill

Yes but the point is that you can go to the ballet with me or a baseball game or a concert and wherever is fine. You're like the Swiss army knife friend; you have an attachment for everything. — Mary Calmes

Shall we go?' he murmured, perhaps regretting his decision to show me his army of plastic cartoon figurines. — Jon Ronson

The desert is an unpredictable place. One day you're sweating, the next you're freezing. One moment the air is damp and cloudy like when the tide is coming in, the next the entire world is orange and dusty. The desert must be a woman. — Dianna Skowera

My Dear McClellan, if you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully. — Abraham Lincoln

What Taika [Watiti] still bring to it [Hunt for the Wilderpeople], it really sums up what life is like in New Zealand, or what our sensibilities, our sense of humor, how we come together, how easy it would be, feels like. You know, we have a small population and so you know the bizarreness of the police getting involved in this manhunt, how the men ... And then eventually, the army all get intwines. — Rhys Darby

In a case such as this, unless an entire army is available, the safest number of men will be one. We have no army, and therefore I will go. — Nicole Sager

When I arrived the News was three years old and Ed Lotterman was on the verge of a breakdown. To hear him talk you would think he'd been sitting at the very cross-corners of the earth, seeing himself as a combination of God, Pulitzer and the Salvation Army. He often swore that if all the people who had worked for the paper in those years could appear at one time before the throne of The Almighty
if they all stood there and recited their histories and their quirks and their crimes and their deviations
there was no doubt in his mind that God himself would fall down in a swoon and tear his hair. — Hunter S. Thompson

Trained in combat?" repeated Harry incredulously. "What does he think we're doing here, forming some sort of wizard army?"
"That's exactly what he thinks you're doing," said Sirius, "or rather, that's exactly what he's afraid of Dumbledore's doing
forming his own private army, with which he will be able to take on the Ministry of Magic."
There was a pause in this, then Ron said, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, including all the stuff that Luna Lovegood comes out with. — J.K. Rowling

This is the army! Nobody can do the best they can. — Henry Blake

If I want to dress up like Princess Leia and lightsaber fight the clone army in my living room, well the Han Solo in my life is just going to have to accept it. — Michelle M. Pillow

Bring the heat, bring the stupid. It was the Army way. — Kathleen O'Reilly

In defense of King, country, and family, he would unhesitatingly have sacrificed his virtue to Nessie, had that been required. If it was a question of Olivia marrying a man with syphilis and half the British army being exterminated in battle, versus himself experiencing a "personal interview" with Richard Caswell, though, he rather thought Olivia and the King had best look to their own devices. — Diana Gabaldon

What do you have in this car?" he asked.
"What do you mean, like weapons?"
"That would be a good start."
"Well, I 've got a mini Swiss Army Knife on my key chain."
"A two-inch stainless steel blade and a nail file. They might as well surrender to us now ... — Richard Castle

Oh Pia, I feel GOOD! Fully recovered!' he always says in a dazzling tone that tells everyone within a ten-kilometre radius that he's not. — Aditi Mathur Kumar

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off, I've got the toe clippers right here. — Jerry Seinfeld

Contestants, whether it be for an army or a posse, we must be strong. We must face our fears, if only to save me and my worldly possessions. So reapply your lipstick, we're going to the Fearnasium, Mrs. Wellington announced stoically before exiting the dining room. — Gitty Daneshvari