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Quotes & Sayings About Advice Funny

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Top Advice Funny Quotes

Advice Funny Quotes By Michael Cunningham

Jenny Offill's Dept. of Speculation resembles no book I've read before. If I tell you that it's funny, and moving, and true; that it's as compact and mysterious as a neutron; that it tells a profound story of love and parenthood while invoking (among others) Keats, Kafka, Einstein, Russian cosmonauts, and advice for the housewife of 1896, will you please simply believe me, and read it? — Michael Cunningham

Advice Funny Quotes By Anne Bishop

The Dimwit's Guide to the Female Mind might assist your efforts in understanding human females. But it must be pointed out that this subject can be a dangerous adventure and should be undertaken with extreme caution. After all, human males have been trying to understand their females for generations, and most of the time they come away from these encounters looking like someone stuck their tails into an electric socket. — Anne Bishop

Advice Funny Quotes By J. Richard Singleton

You can't make a woman love you. Not even with duct tape. — J. Richard Singleton

Advice Funny Quotes By Bill Cosby

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice. — Bill Cosby

Advice Funny Quotes By Pawan Mishra

A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it. — Pawan Mishra

Advice Funny Quotes By Florence Welch

For someone so conflicted, who am I to give advice to anybody? It's such a funny, grandiose idea — Florence Welch

Advice Funny Quotes By Charles M. Schulz

Never lie in bed at night asking yourself questions you can't answer. — Charles M. Schulz

Advice Funny Quotes By Anne Lamott

It is funny how no one seems to want my always excellent advice. — Anne Lamott

Advice Funny Quotes By Harpo Marx

Many years ago a very wise man named Bernard Baruch took me aside and put his arm around my shoulder. "Harpo my boy," he said, "I'm going to give you three pieces of advice, three things you should always remember." My heart jumped and I glowed with expectation. I was going to hear the magic password to a rich, full life from the master himself. "Yes sir?" I said. And he told me the three things. I regret that I've forgotten what they were. — Harpo Marx

Advice Funny Quotes By Cassandra Clare

Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?"
"I care," Simon said gloomily. "Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like Windex."
"At least you know he's still available."
Simon glared. "Not funny, Fray."
"There's always Sheila 'The Thong' Bararino," Clary suggested.
"That is who Eric's been dating for the past three months," Simon said. "His advice, meanwhile, was that I ought to just decide which girl in school has the most rockin' bod and ask her out."
"Eric is a sexist pig," Clary said. "Maybe you should call your band The Sexist Pigs."
"It has a ring to it. — Cassandra Clare

Advice Funny Quotes By Jim Gaffigan

You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?" — Jim Gaffigan

Advice Funny Quotes By Doug MacLeod

I feel like I'm going to die,' he says.
'Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?'
'Only if you do it quietly.'
'I met this girl last night. I need your advice.'
'Come back later.'
'No. You might be dead. — Doug MacLeod

Advice Funny Quotes By One Direction

I got on with Louis from the word go. We're very similar and I like the fact that he has this ability to be nice to everyone while living totally for the moment. It puts a smile on your face when you see someone like that. I feel I can tell him anything, and I felt like that straight away. He can be really funny one minute, but if someone has a problem he can go into serious mode straight away and he gives really good advice. — One Direction

Advice Funny Quotes By Olivia Wilde

I'm opening up my heart to the idea of dating. It's funny - my friends would always come to me for romantic advice. I know nothing, and things have changed since I was dating in high school! I'm really trying hard to spend this time working on myself. — Olivia Wilde

Advice Funny Quotes By Dolly Parton

Now I usually try not to give advice. Information, yes, advice, no. But, what has worked for me may not work for you. Well, take for instance what has worked for me. Wigs. Tight clothes. Push-up bras. — Dolly Parton

Advice Funny Quotes By John Lloyd Young

It's funny - Frankie Valli's story and that advice that he was just getting from, you know, Christopher Walken's character, is very true for someone who's in a creative field. — John Lloyd Young

Advice Funny Quotes By Amy Poehler

Girls, if a boy says something that isn't funny, you don't have to laugh. — Amy Poehler

Advice Funny Quotes By S.K. Tremayne

Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt. — S.K. Tremayne

Advice Funny Quotes By Terry Pratchett

Anyone who could build a universe in six days isn't going to let a little thing like that happen. Unless they want it to, of course." "Oh, come on. Be sensible," said Aziraphale, doubtfully. "That's not good advice," said Crowley. "That's not good advice at all. If you sit down and think about it sensibly, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying 'THIS IS IT!'? — Terry Pratchett

Advice Funny Quotes By Megan Rich

A funny thing about living abroad is that what might separate us expats back home brought us closer together in China. We'd listen to their complaints about the food, their legs swelling up with the MSG, and instead of rolling our eyes as we might've thought we would at Americans complaining abroad, we listened and offered advice on where to find more palatable, familiar food. For their part, they seemed to conveniently ignore the fact that we were living together unwed, and when they'd pass by our room, door open, there was no strong feeling of judgment. — Megan Rich

Advice Funny Quotes By John Cena

Fashion advice from the Tooth Fairy, that's great. — John Cena

Advice Funny Quotes By Patricia C. Wrede

Oliver has stated many times his dislike of hearing advice from his younger sister, so it is his own fault if he has not got sense enough to see which way the wind is blowing. — Patricia C. Wrede

Advice Funny Quotes By Isabel Lopez

It's funny how much easier it is to see others' shortcomings and give advice when you're not personally involved, for it's almost impossible to see the light when you're swimming in shit. — Isabel Lopez

Advice Funny Quotes By Angie Sage

Don't go to the circus. — Angie Sage

Advice Funny Quotes By Tracie Peterson

Merrill Krause - "My brothers have scared off just about any fellow who showed interest in getting to know me."
Granny Lassiter - "Well, if a man can't stand up to those brothers of yours, you needn't even consider him. A man ought to be able to hold his own with his wife's family. — Tracie Peterson

Advice Funny Quotes By Shannon L. Alder

When you're given the gift of truth, you spend a lot of time trying to tone it down because it is already offensive enough. — Shannon L. Alder

Advice Funny Quotes By Pawan Mishra

Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife. — Pawan Mishra

Advice Funny Quotes By Ellen DeGeneres

There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones? — Ellen DeGeneres

Advice Funny Quotes By Cecelia Ahern

All I need is
backup. He's the little angel that sits on my shoulder whispering in my ear,
"You can do it!" It's funny. I'm thirty years old now and I still feel like a little
girl. I'm still looking around to check and see what other people are doing
to make sure I'm not completely different; I'm still looking around for help,
hoping for a quick nudge and a whisper of advice. But I can't seem to be able
to catch anybody's eye. Nobody else around me seems to be looking around
and wondering what to do. Why is it that I feel like I'm the only person who
is confused and concerned about the choices I've made and where I'm
headed? Everywhere I look, I see people just getting on with it. Maybe I
should just follow suit and get on with it. — Cecelia Ahern

Advice Funny Quotes By Danika Stone

This advice from a college freshman carrying a cane?"

"It's a walking stick, I'll have you know."

"Same difference."

"Hardly. It's fashion. — Danika Stone

Advice Funny Quotes By Josh Billings

My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other. — Josh Billings

Advice Funny Quotes By Cora Carmack

I will call bullshit on that so many times that the word bullshit will lose all meaning. -Milo — Cora Carmack

Advice Funny Quotes By Gabriel Ba

The young open the paper to forget about life by reading the funny strips. The old do it to forget about death by reading other people's obits. My advice: don't open the paper and go on with your life. — Gabriel Ba

Advice Funny Quotes By Ron Richards

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there. — Ron Richards

Advice Funny Quotes By Will Rogers

Always drink upstream from the herd. — Will Rogers

Advice Funny Quotes By Richard Bartle

[When asked what he wants for his tombstone epitaph]
Since I'm an atheist, and have no belief whatsoever in life after death, I couldn't care less
it's not like it'll have any impact on me, since by definition I will be completely extinguished. I guess if someone twisted my arm and forced me to provide an epitaph, it would be 'Don't forget.' Sound advice ... — Richard Bartle

Advice Funny Quotes By Charles Bukowski

What is your advice to young writers?"
"Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes. — Charles Bukowski

Advice Funny Quotes By Brad Warner

There's fantasies about what heaven is like and who Satan is and why you shouldn't masturbate or why you should vote Republican. It's funny because it's an election year and their news broadcasts are constantly talking about "Vote Republican". I think that they think they're being subtle about it, but that's definitely not the case. So I'm like, "What does this have anything to do with the nice advice you were giving about how to live your life, how to get along with your spouse etc?" — Brad Warner

Advice Funny Quotes By Dane Cook

My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice. — Dane Cook

Advice Funny Quotes By Jason Segel

That's the best advice I can give - when you're trying to write a comedy, first write a drama, and then make it funny. — Jason Segel

Advice Funny Quotes By Hazel Cartwright

Tip#27

Kiss a girl if you're a female,

If you're a single male kiss a Guy

(Idea)
It's fun to offend society ~ — Hazel Cartwright

Advice Funny Quotes By Johnny Depp

One of the greatest pieces of advice I've ever gotten in my life was from my mom. When I was a little kid there was a kid who was bugging me at school and she said Okay, I'm gonna tell you what to do. If the kid's bugging you and puts his hands on you; you pick up the nearest rock ... — Johnny Depp

Advice Funny Quotes By Renee Fleming

He also gave me some advice that I follow to this day: Sing in the mirror. If it looks funny, it's wrong. — Renee Fleming

Advice Funny Quotes By Rick Riordan

If you're heading downtown from Centeral Park, my advice is to take the subway. Flying pigs are faster but way more dangerous — Rick Riordan

Advice Funny Quotes By Wendell Johnson

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. — Wendell Johnson

Advice Funny Quotes By Lauren Willig

Word of advice, sister mine. If you want to keep your papers private, don't write 'Private' on the cover. It set the mater right off. It was all I could do to stop her sniffing around like some great sniffing thing. — Lauren Willig

Advice Funny Quotes By Charles Murray

As I come to the end of my advice and send you off into the world, I have an alternative way for you to stay on the straight and narrow: periodically watch Groundhog Day. It was made long ago, in 1993, but it's still smart and funny, the chemistry between the stars (Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell) is terrific, and it has a happy ending. Groundhog Day is also a profound moral fable that deals with the most fundamental issues of virtue and happiness. — Charles Murray

Advice Funny Quotes By Jim Butcher

I sometimes give myself excellent advice. Occasionally, I even listen to it. — Jim Butcher

Advice Funny Quotes By Rucy Ban

Mom lies down next to me and we both stare at the ceiling in complete silence. "Boys are like candy," she suddenly says. I grin. "Really, Mom? That's your advice? Boys are like candy. What is that? Forrest Gump on teens? — Rucy Ban

Advice Funny Quotes By Cuthbert Soup

Advice to explorers everywhere: if you would like to recieve due credit for your discoveries, keep a detailed account of your journeys as Columbus did. On Septemeber 28, 1492, after four weeks at sea, he writes: Dear diary ... I means journal. Yes, dear journal. That's what I meant to say. Whew. Anyway, we have yet to discover America, and the crew has become increasingly rebellious. I have decided to turn back if we have not spotted it by Columbus Day. Will write again later if not killed by crew. P.S. Last night's buffet was fabulous, the ice sculptures magnificent. — Cuthbert Soup

Advice Funny Quotes By Caleb Eversole

It doesn't matter what clothes you had or what shoes you had, or how cool you were, or how many Facebook friends you garnered, what will matter in the end is what weapons you had, how many zombies you killed, and how long you survived. — Caleb Eversole

Advice Funny Quotes By Bill Burr

Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright! — Bill Burr

Advice Funny Quotes By Habeeb Akande

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich. — Habeeb Akande

Advice Funny Quotes By Amit Kalantri

Sometimes advises from others are more difficult to bear with than even slang. — Amit Kalantri

Advice Funny Quotes By Amit Kalantri

When someone gives you advice, just ask them to give it in writing and they will either keep mum or will run from there. — Amit Kalantri

Advice Funny Quotes By Diane Arbus

Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice. — Diane Arbus

Advice Funny Quotes By Dashiell Hammett

You know Quinn?" Macaulay asked me.
"Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed."
Macaulay grinned. "I hope you keep his acquaintance like that - social"
"Meaning what?"
Macaulay's grin became rueful. "He used to be my broker, and his advice led me right up to the poorhouse steps."
"That's sweet," I said. "he's my broker now and I'm following his advice." Macaulay and the girl laughed. I pretended I was laughing and returned to my table. — Dashiell Hammett

Advice Funny Quotes By Robert M. Drake

The funny thing
about
advice is,
we always tell
others
the things
we
cannot
really do
ourselves. — Robert M. Drake

Advice Funny Quotes By Jim Gaffigan

I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!" — Jim Gaffigan

Advice Funny Quotes By Eeva Lancaster

The issue of who will throw the garbage won't be so trivial when no one is throwing it away, and it starts to stink. When the plates pile up in the kitchen sink, or when the bathroom is grimy and the shampoo ran out. No, it won't be funny then. — Eeva Lancaster

Advice Funny Quotes By Chuck Palahniuk

My father for advice he'd tell you, "The secret to being a successful comedian is to never stop talking until you hear someone laugh." Meaning: Persevere. Meaning: Be determined. Make just one person laugh; then leverage that person and that joke into more laughter. As some people decide you're funny, increasing numbers of people will begin to agree. — Chuck Palahniuk

Advice Funny Quotes By Aaron Swartz

Books are totally useless unless you take their advice. If you just keep reading them, thinking "that's so insightful! that changes everything," but never actually doing anything different, then pretty quickly the feeling will wear off and you'll start searching for another book to fill the void. — Aaron Swartz

Advice Funny Quotes By Soledad O'Brien

People will say you can't do good and do well. They're wrong, that's idiotic advice. — Soledad O'Brien

Advice Funny Quotes By Sherrilyn Kenyon

In theory, especially in the case of Stone, those who have human hearts would remain cognizant of their behavior and in control of themselves. Those who are Katagaria ... — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Advice Funny Quotes By Ken Murray

I may not always be right, but when I am, I admit it — Ken Murray

Advice Funny Quotes By Gian-Carlo Rota

Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, 'How did he do it? He must be a genius! — Gian-Carlo Rota

Advice Funny Quotes By David C. Holley

Word of advice - never ask a terrorist the question 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?'. — David C. Holley

Advice Funny Quotes By Kristen Ashley

Hubby,
At the pool. If I don't return by nightfall, it's your marital duty to rescue me. If it goes that late, this means I've passed out on a lounge chair in Vegas in summer so my advice is to stock up on aloe vera before you launch the rescue effort.
Lexie
Walker stared at the note thinking that Alexa Berry ... Strike that. Alexa Walker was fucking funny. — Kristen Ashley

Advice Funny Quotes By Bauvard

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent's past, there's leftover booze and contraceptives. — Bauvard

Advice Funny Quotes By Simone Elkeles

And my piece of advice is ... don't flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours. — Simone Elkeles

Advice Funny Quotes By Roger Von Oech

Here's my advice: Go ahead and be whacky. Get into a crazy frame of mind and ask what's funny about what you're doing. — Roger Von Oech

Advice Funny Quotes By Gerry Geek

More you know, better advice you give. Less you know, more advice you give. — Gerry Geek

Advice Funny Quotes By Brandon Sanderson

Err on the side of awesome. — Brandon Sanderson

Advice Funny Quotes By Mahsati Abdul

I am not fake, I am just too good to be true (-: — Mahsati Abdul

Advice Funny Quotes By Scott Adams

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant. — Scott Adams

Advice Funny Quotes By Jimmy Carr

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike. — Jimmy Carr

Advice Funny Quotes By Cora Carmack

Each one you take is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the gods of alcohol will punish you with a hangover so bad you'll think Satan himself took a dump on you. -Milo — Cora Carmack

Advice Funny Quotes By Oliver Markus

It's probably not easy for a woman to understand what it's like to be a man. Imagine you're starving, and someone puts a huge buffet in front of you. There's delicious, mouth-watering food all around you, and it's really really hard not to eat it all. That's what it's like to be a man around attractive women. The urge to want to hump everything that moves is part of a man's natural programming. It's a deep-seated hunger. To suppress that hunger takes civilization and a lot of willpower. — Oliver Markus

Advice Funny Quotes By Ben Heppner

It is funny, I don't feel old enough to give advice ... But with the advisers you trust, you better listen to them. It may be bad news but that's the only way you're going to improve. — Ben Heppner

Advice Funny Quotes By Georgia Cates

Nookie." I giggle because the word itself is funny but hearing her say it makes it even more so. "I'm going to give you some advice because you're still a new wife - and because my son can be a little shit at times. I know; I'm his mum." She looks around as though she's about to reveal top-secret information. "Nookie equals power and there's a reason he wants it from you all the time. It levels the playing field. Don't like something he's doing? Take the nookie away. Get the results you want. Need him to see things your way but he refuses? Withhold the nookie and he'll make the fastest attitude adjustment you've ever seen. Want your husband to retire because he's going to work himself into an early grave and miss his grandchildren growing up the way he missed his kids? Close the gates of nookie and get your husband home with you instead of burying him. That's how you work it, darling. You use the power of the nookie to get the results you want. — Georgia Cates

Advice Funny Quotes By Kristen Callihan

Funny thing about life, it's so easy to view it from the outside in. We can see the exact point where our friends fuck up, do the wrong thing, are blind to what's right in front of them. As in, why the fuck won't they just listen to us and take our advice instead of bumbling all over the place? We watch horror movies and know when to shout at the dumb girl who goes in the basement to investigate that noise; we revel in her stupidity, feel superior to it. If it were us, we assure ourselves, we wouldn't be so stupid. Sure we would; we just wouldn't realize the danger. Because the truth is, we're walking deaf, dumb, and blind half of the time. And even though I can tell myself this afterward, after I fuck up, it doesn't make me feel any better. Because I'm about to do a fuck up royale. With cheese. — Kristen Callihan

Advice Funny Quotes By Suzanne Collins

Here's some advice. Stay alive, says Haymitch, and then bursts out laughing. I exchange a look with Peeta before I remember that I'm having nothing more to do with him. I'm surprised to see the hardness in his eyes. He generally seems so mild.
'That's very funny,' says Peeta. Suddenly, he lashes out at the glass in Haymitch's hand. It shatters on the floor, sending the bloodred liquid running toward the back of the train. 'Only not to us.'
Haymitch considers this a moment, then punches Peeta in the jaw, knocking him from his chair. When he turns back to reach for the spirits, I drive my knife into the table between his hand and the bottle, barely missing his fingers. I brace myself to deflect his hit, but it doesn't come. Instead, he sits back and squints at us.
'Well, what's this?' says Haymitch. 'Did I actually get a pair of fighters this year? — Suzanne Collins

Advice Funny Quotes By Karin Slaughter

Tessa reached out and took her hand. "Can I tell you something?"
"As long as it's not advice on chasing after a married man."
She squeezed Sara's hand. "I'm really in love with my husband."
Sara gave a careful "Okay."
"I know you think Lem is boring and too earnest and too self-righteous, and believe me, he can be all those
things, but a thousand times a day, I hear a song, or I think of something funny, or Daddy says one of his
stupid puns, and the first thing that comes into my head is 'I want to tell Lem about this.' And I know that
halfway around the world, he's thinking the same thing." She paused. "That's what love is, Sara, when there are so many things about you that you only want one person in the world to know. — Karin Slaughter