Famous Quotes & Sayings

30 Funny Quotes & Sayings

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Top 30 Funny Quotes

30 Funny Quotes By Julie Powell

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time. — Julie Powell

30 Funny Quotes By Barry Tompkins

Al Bernstein has seen cable television sports grow up. In 30 Years/30 Undeniable Truths he looks at his time in the industry through a prism that is unique to him. This book gives the reader an insight into the sometimes absurd world of television sports. There is a 31st undeniable truth: Al Bernstein is a truly funny man. — Barry Tompkins

30 Funny Quotes By Jim Gaffigan

If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill." — Jim Gaffigan

30 Funny Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?" — Mitch Hedberg

30 Funny Quotes By Lorne Michaels

The show doesn't go on because it's ready; it goes on because it's 11:30. — Lorne Michaels

30 Funny Quotes By Thomas Pynchon

Perhaps history this century, thought Eigenvalue, is rippled with gathers in its fabric such that if we are situated, as Stencil seemed to be, at the bottom of a fold, it's impossible to determine warp, woof, or pattern anywhere else. By virtue, however, of existing in one gather it is assumed there are others, compartmented off into sinuous cycles each of which had come to assume greater importance than the weave itself and destroy any continuity. Thus it is that we are charmed by the funny-looking automobiles of the '30's, the curious fashions of the '20's, the particular moral habits of our grandparents. We produce and attend musical comedies about them and are conned into a false memory, a phony nostalgia about what they were. We are accordingly lost to any sense of continuous tradition. Perhaps if we lived on a crest, things would be different. We could at least see. — Thomas Pynchon

30 Funny Quotes By Louis C.K.

People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home. — Louis C.K.

30 Funny Quotes By Jens Lehmann

To be sitting on the bench behind somebody who only started to play when he was 30 is not funny. — Jens Lehmann

30 Funny Quotes By Alex Winter

Same thing, like my commercials are often times really funny because I tend to find 30 seconds is a really good amount of time to tell a joke. — Alex Winter

30 Funny Quotes By Savannah Guthrie

I've tried many different types of alarm apps, but the tried and true is the iPhone alarm. I like it because you can label your alarms. For my personal amusement, I've labeled them 3 a.m. for 'ridiculously early,' 3:30 is just 'early,' and 4 is 'slacker.' — Savannah Guthrie

30 Funny Quotes By A.M. Robinson

We've reached Vlad's first day at Thomas Jeff. August 30, 2010 Town of Michigan Infiltration of Thomas Jefferson school successful. The child is here. I can taste her. . . . Why is this woman still talking? If she thinks that I am going to stop wearing my pointed boots, she is sadly mistaken. I let out a loud snort and then turn the page quickly, feeling guilty at being amused by Vlad's ramblings. — A.M. Robinson

30 Funny Quotes By Tim Conway

Nowadays they have 12 directors and 15 producers and 30 writers. And all the writers want their lines said a certain way-which isn't necessarily funny. I mean the lines aren't necessarily so funny to begin with. — Tim Conway

30 Funny Quotes By Rafe Esquith

One of the funny things about the racism of the system, when I started 30 years ago, I'm in an area called Koreatown and most of the kids were Asian. And when the kids did well, people said, "Well, of course, they did well. They're Asians." But when we had this huge influx of Latino children from Central America, they said, "Oh, you're gonna have problems now." — Rafe Esquith

30 Funny Quotes By Michael Hutchence

Kylie Minogue - she's so great. You'd love her if you met her. Everyone would. In a way I wish everyone could, to see what a person she is. She's so sweet and no bull and really funny, man, really funny. The Rolling Stones are like a weight around your neck. All that..'you're not meant to rock after you're 30 ... you've got to die in a car crash or of a drug overdose. — Michael Hutchence

30 Funny Quotes By Kevin Hart

Females will argue with you for 30 minutes then be like , I aint even gonna argue with you! — Kevin Hart

30 Funny Quotes By Nikki Grimes

Originally I had planned to write just a couple of children's books and then, return the focus on adult literature. A funny thing happened along the way - I kept having new ideas, and then I looked up one day, and 30 years had passed! — Nikki Grimes

30 Funny Quotes By Harold Ramis

Billy Crystal knows how to make people laugh. He's got 30 years on stage ... there's no telling him what's funny. — Harold Ramis

30 Funny Quotes By Shannon L. Alder

Often the inspiration to write music comes from the voices in your head. You're not crazy. Just be thankful they are not making you rescue people in 20-degree weather at 2:30 in the morning in the forest. — Shannon L. Alder

30 Funny Quotes By Cindy Crawford

Models are like baseball players. We make a lot of money quickly, but all of a sudden we're 30 years old, we don't have a college education, we're qualified for nothing, and we're used to a very nice lifestyle. The best thing is to marry a movie star. — Cindy Crawford

30 Funny Quotes By Rainbow Rowell

From: Beth Fremont
To: Jennifer Scribner-Snyder
Sent: Thurs, 09/30/1999 3:42 PM
Subject: If you were Superman ...
... and you could choose any alter ego you wanted, why the hell would you choose to spend your Clark Kent hours - which already suck because you have to wear glasses and you can't fly - at a newspaper? Why not pose as a wealthy playboy like Batman? Or the leader of a small but important nation like Black Panther? Why would you choose to spend your days on deadline, making crap money, dealing with terminally crabby editors? — Rainbow Rowell

30 Funny Quotes By Andy Cohen

I love a smart, well-written show, and '30 Rock,' well, you can't get any better than that. Tina Fey poos funny. There's nothing that she does that isn't funny. That show is an example of how brilliant she is. It's so smart. They've done some brilliant commentary about the 'Housewives' with 'Queen of Jordan,' their show-within-the-show. — Andy Cohen

30 Funny Quotes By Gabriel Iglesias

I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds. — Gabriel Iglesias

30 Funny Quotes By Will Rogers

Funny thing about being a U.S. senator, the only thing the law says you have to be is 30 years old. Not another single requirement. They just figure that a man that old got nobody to blame but himself if he gets caught in there. — Will Rogers

30 Funny Quotes By Sherrilyn Kenyon

You do it and see how hard that thing is to control. I swear it has a mind of its own." Hadyn
"No sugar, that's your front tail." Edena
"Edena! I can't believe you said that to your brother! Where did you hear that?" Seraphina
"Good grief, Matera! I am almost 30 years old. I am the last of my friends who hasn't had a lover yet. And if that's what concerns you, then you need to talk to your son about where he's been planting that shorter front tail lately." Edena — Sherrilyn Kenyon

30 Funny Quotes By Diablo Cody

The name fuse followed me from the book to the screenplay, and now I have to live with the name, which I chose in 30 seconds with no thought about how it might sound or what it might imply. It was just a funny thing. — Diablo Cody

30 Funny Quotes By Mark Wahlberg

It's funny, because when you're younger you're in a rush to be 18 or 21 or whatever. But then you hit 30. And now, the days go by like hours. You think, 40, man, this could be the halfway point. It could be the three-quarters point, you know? Who knows? — Mark Wahlberg

30 Funny Quotes By Joyce DeWitt

Does it bother me that I'm attached to 'Three's Company' 30 years after? Not at all. All we were trying to do was be funny. How can I complain? That's all I wanted to do. — Joyce DeWitt

30 Funny Quotes By Jim Cramer

Funny, but after trading for more than 15 years, I still am capable of forgetting a cardinal rule: The paper you own, in the end, will be intertwined with the fate of the 30-year bond. — Jim Cramer

30 Funny Quotes By Robin Williams

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up! — Robin Williams

30 Funny Quotes By Larry The Cable Guy

When I started doing my act, I wasn't married and didn't have kids. I was probably 29 years old. Some people say that's not a kid, but when you're 50, and you look back to when you were 30, you were a kid. You look back on your 30s and think, "I was an idiot!" But I would just do things then I thought were funny. I couldn't have cared less who thought anything about it. — Larry The Cable Guy

30 Funny Quotes By Bob Saget

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more. — Bob Saget

30 Funny Quotes By Bill Watterson

Leader, bandits at 2 o'clock! Roger; it's only 1:30 now-what'll I do 'til then? — Bill Watterson

30 Funny Quotes By Mike Birbiglia

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other. — Mike Birbiglia