Zach Galifianakis Quotes & Sayings

Head gear, plus acne equals ... table for one in the cafeteria. — Zach Galifianakis

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money. — Zach Galifianakis

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese. — Zach Galifianakis

My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis. — Zach Galifianakis

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
and you've never been to that bar before. — Zach Galifianakis

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing. — Zach Galifianakis

I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that. — Zach Galifianakis

My comfort zone is press conferences. — Zach Galifianakis

When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically. — Zach Galifianakis

I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans. — Zach Galifianakis

I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92. — Zach Galifianakis

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock. — Zach Galifianakis

I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy. — Zach Galifianakis

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?' — Zach Galifianakis

I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for [fame]. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do. — Zach Galifianakis

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit. — Zach Galifianakis

I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do. — Zach Galifianakis

I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot. — Zach Galifianakis

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread. — Zach Galifianakis

We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics. — Zach Galifianakis

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. — Zach Galifianakis

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life. — Zach Galifianakis

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar. — Zach Galifianakis

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole." — Zach Galifianakis

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker. — Zach Galifianakis

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings. — Zach Galifianakis

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something. — Zach Galifianakis

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit. — Zach Galifianakis

I've never been in love ... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food — Zach Galifianakis

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise. — Zach Galifianakis

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective. — Zach Galifianakis

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women. — Zach Galifianakis

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? — Zach Galifianakis

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong. — Zach Galifianakis

I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge . — Zach Galifianakis

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness. — Zach Galifianakis

My real last name is Galifianakisburg. — Zach Galifianakis

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points. — Zach Galifianakis

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it. — Zach Galifianakis

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny. — Zach Galifianakis

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night. — Zach Galifianakis

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me.' Being popular is poison. — Zach Galifianakis

'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries. — Zach Galifianakis

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy. — Zach Galifianakis

I'm proud of The Hangover, but to be in movies like this, which are really the only places I can get work, it's really quite the opposite of what I am. I like sensitive art-house movies. I'm not even much of a partier. I mean, I'll drink myself into oblivion alone in my car. — Zach Galifianakis

I call my balls the bush twins. — Zach Galifianakis

I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage. — Zach Galifianakis

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. — Zach Galifianakis

That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling. — Zach Galifianakis

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver. — Zach Galifianakis

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies. — Zach Galifianakis

I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony. — Zach Galifianakis

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself. — Zach Galifianakis

I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that. — Zach Galifianakis

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron ... and a lot like Patrick Ewing. — Zach Galifianakis

That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people? — Zach Galifianakis

There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life. — Zach Galifianakis

Tigers love pepper ... they hate cinnamon. — Zach Galifianakis

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, 'Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.' — Zach Galifianakis

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy. — Zach Galifianakis

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing. — Zach Galifianakis

The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore. — Zach Galifianakis

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever." — Zach Galifianakis

I once walked in on my grandparents making love ... And that's why I don't eat raisins. — Zach Galifianakis

As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it. — Zach Galifianakis

I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind. — Zach Galifianakis

Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say. — Zach Galifianakis

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy. — Zach Galifianakis

Hookers don't like to snuggle. — Zach Galifianakis

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship' — Zach Galifianakis

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch. — Zach Galifianakis

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people ... who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called ... Cracker Hunt. — Zach Galifianakis

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese. — Zach Galifianakis

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean. — Zach Galifianakis

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well. — Zach Galifianakis

I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7. — Zach Galifianakis

I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing. — Zach Galifianakis

But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they're part of the same ilk. — Zach Galifianakis

When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies. — Zach Galifianakis

It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much. — Zach Galifianakis

Did you ever wake up with an erection ... and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!" — Zach Galifianakis

My forte is awkwardness. — Zach Galifianakis

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself. — Zach Galifianakis

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny. — Zach Galifianakis

Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done. — Zach Galifianakis

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!' — Zach Galifianakis

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there. — Zach Galifianakis

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good. — Zach Galifianakis

I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something. — Zach Galifianakis

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down. — Zach Galifianakis

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person. — Zach Galifianakis

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks. — Zach Galifianakis

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. — Zach Galifianakis

My father used to beat me with his belt ... while it was still on him. — Zach Galifianakis

You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired. — Zach Galifianakis

I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging. — Zach Galifianakis

I've always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he's often playing a sad clown, and it's always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting. — Zach Galifianakis

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. — Zach Galifianakis

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. — Zach Galifianakis

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed. — Zach Galifianakis