Wilson Mizner Quotes & Sayings

God help those who do not help themselves. — Wilson Mizner

Most hard-boiled people are half-baked. — Wilson Mizner

Be nice to people on your way up because you will meet them on your way down. — Wilson Mizner

He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup. — Wilson Mizner

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. — Wilson Mizner

Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton. — Wilson Mizner

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it. — Wilson Mizner

I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile. — Wilson Mizner

Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him. — Wilson Mizner

I want a priest, a rabbi and a Protestant minister. I want to hedge my bets. — Wilson Mizner

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research. — Wilson Mizner

Women can instantly see through each other, and it's surprising how little they observe that's pleasant. — Wilson Mizner

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something. — Wilson Mizner

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. — Wilson Mizner

Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest. — Wilson Mizner

You're a mouse studying to be a rat. — Wilson Mizner

I had never considered marriage, but I had an open mind, and I was to learn after a brief try at it that most open minds should be closed for repairs. — Wilson Mizner

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. — Wilson Mizner

Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines. — Wilson Mizner

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant. — Wilson Mizner

Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished. — Wilson Mizner

The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock. — Wilson Mizner

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions. — Wilson Mizner

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. — Wilson Mizner

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up. — Wilson Mizner

Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen Hey, you — Wilson Mizner

Count 10 over him - he'll get up — Wilson Mizner

The only bird that gives the poor a real tumble is the stork. — Wilson Mizner

I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at. — Wilson Mizner

Failure has gone to his head. — Wilson Mizner

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady. — Wilson Mizner

Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education. — Wilson Mizner

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. — Wilson Mizner

If you copy from one author, it's plagiarism, but if you copy from many, it's research. — Wilson Mizner

In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork. — Wilson Mizner

If you count all your assets you always show a profit. — Wilson Mizner

Florida was invented for Addison Mizner's little brother. — Wilson Mizner

The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in. — Wilson Mizner

The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears. — Wilson Mizner

I've known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought. — Wilson Mizner

Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor-unassisted. — Wilson Mizner

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own. — Wilson Mizner

There's nothing so comfortable as a small bankroll. A big one is always in danger. — Wilson Mizner

All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long. — Wilson Mizner

Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time. — Wilson Mizner

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep. — Wilson Mizner

I never saw a mob rush across town to do a good deed. — Wilson Mizner

A good party is where you enjoy good people, and they taste even better with Champagne. — Wilson Mizner

To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it. — Wilson Mizner

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .' — Wilson Mizner

Gambling: A sure way to get nothing from something. — Wilson Mizner

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. — Wilson Mizner

It is criminal negligence to leave suckers lying around to tempt honest men. — Wilson Mizner

I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience. — Wilson Mizner

He's a trellis for varicose veins. — Wilson Mizner

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more. — Wilson Mizner

It is not in life, but in art that self-fulfillment is to be found. — Wilson Mizner

You sparkle with larceny. — Wilson Mizner

It's getting so people no longer count the silverware when I come to dinner. — Wilson Mizner

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. — Wilson Mizner

The most pitiful human ailment is a birdseed heart. — Wilson Mizner

Easy street is a blind alley. — Wilson Mizner