Tom Holt Quotes & Sayings

He turned and gave the Dark Elf a nasty look. "They can do that," he said, "mess with your head, using arcane mind control techniques. Well-known fact."
The Dark Elf sniggered. "I wish," he said. "Sadly, no. You're thinking of journalism, which is slightly different. — Tom Holt

I try and do 2,500 words a day, every day of the year. — Tom Holt

Descartes' immortal conclusion cogito ergo sum was recently subjected to destruction testing by a group of graduate researchers at Princeton led by Professors Montjuic and Lauterbrunnen, and now reads, in the Shorter Harvard Orthodoxy:
(a) I think, therefore I am; or
(b) Perhaps I thought, therefore I was; but
(c) These days, I tend to leave that side of things to my wife. — Tom Holt

Only please, do be careful to bear in mind that Mordak's a goblin. Enlightened, yes, but a goblin. He likes his employees loyal or lightly steamed on a bed of bruised rocket. — Tom Holt

A problem's nothing but an opportunity wearing a funny hat, and inside every disaster there's a triumph struggling to get out. — Tom Holt

There ought to be a dictionary of smiles; somewere you can look them up and find out what they mean. — Tom Holt

The fault was lying on its' back... — Tom Holt

...[She] was not nearly so intrusive. If she happened to observe the comings and goings of her friends out of the corner of her eye (which she could hardly fail to do, given the nature of her favorite sitting-place) and chanced to be able to remember when she had seen them and where they had been going, it was simply a tribute to her keen powers of observation and recall. Conscious spying was beneath her altogether. — Tom Holt

A brief note on the legend of Pandora's Box: Ever wondered why bundled in with all the torrents, and suffering of man kind the Gods put hope down there at the bottom, answer because in certain circumstances hope can be the worst torment of them all. — Tom Holt

Luck isn't a wheelbarrow, Maurice; it works better if you don't push it. Stay — Tom Holt

After all, why be right when you can be happy. — Tom Holt

A lifetime in the business had taught her that, apart from the few good people that work along-side you,nobody is to be trusted,ever,because sooner or later they'll let you down,sure as God made little green apples. And, when you came to think of it,hadn't that been the dirtiest trick of them all? — Tom Holt

As the Athenians to the Pnyx, the antique Romans to the Campus Martius, or our Nordic ancestors to the All-Thing, so the folk of Tilling flocked to the High Street for extempore parliament. — Tom Holt

All computers expect to be yelled at. There's not a single computer in the whole world that hasn't been sworn at. Even the discreet little VDU with the crossed keys monogram on the keyboard that sits on the Pope's desk in his office in the Vatican has in its time heard language that'd make a Marine blush. — Tom Holt

Mordak has the mental clarity to recognise that when it comes to running a bureaucracy, Elves can achieve a degree of blinkered ruthlessness that makes goblins look like teddy-bears. — Tom Holt

It sounded a bit like his mother, a woman who'd lied to him about the existence of Santa Claus and was therefore not to be trusted on matters of any importance. — Tom Holt

After all, what else is scientific enquiry of any sort other than a controlled version of banging one's head against the universe until something gives? — Tom Holt

There comes a time when a man must stand up and do what he knows is Wrong. — Tom Holt

He made a conscious decision not to think about it, and accordingly spent the rest of his shift thinking about nothing else. — Tom Holt

Of all selfish bastards, a selfish bastard who likes to be liked is probably the worst. Never — Tom Holt

I know what you're doing," the wolf said. "This is advanced interrogation techniques, right? First you destroy my self-esteem and sense of individuality, then you force me to tell you where the pack hides out, so your woodcutter pals can come and slaughter us. Well, you're wasting your breath. I won't talk. I won't talk. Got that? — Tom Holt

A hero," Max said.
"A weirdness-haunted victim of circumstance who spends his days looking for things."
Max grinned. "That's what I just said. — Tom Holt

Everything is out there if you know how to find it, and have the patience. I don't and haven't, but that's my problem. — Tom Holt

Niceness, he realised, was not enough, and Love was only part of the rest. You had to have laughter, too. Laughter would make everything come out right in the end, or if it didn't nobody would notice. — Tom Holt

When you're about to die, your whole life's supposed to flash before your eyes. When you fall in true love, on the other hand, what you see in the twinkling of an eye is your entire future. — Tom Holt

How careless of me!" By which she meant that she had deduced that he had found [them] in his pocket and pitied him for needing to be forever in the right. — Tom Holt

At any given time, ninety-nine-point-nine-five per cent of the human race are a confounded nuisance — Tom Holt

The world is full of interiors that bleach the spirit. Hospitals, police stations, job centres, local government offices and prisons all have their own subtle type of vampire colour scheme and black-hole furnishing, capable by accident or design of wiping away a person's self-esteem and will to resist, like boiled-over soup off a ceramic hob. — Tom Holt

Among the gods, there is a dispute as to which one of them originally thought of Christianity; or, as they call it, the Great Leg Pull. Apollo has the best claim, but a sizeable minority support Pluto, ex-God of the Dead, on the grounds that he has a really sick sense of humour.
How would it be, suggested the unidentified god, if first we tell them all to love their neighbour, pack in the killing and thieving, and be nice to each other. Then we let them start burning heretics. — Tom Holt

In order to fulfill your quest -"
"Would you please not usw that word? It's so Robert E. Howard."
"Fine. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to travel to the far ends of the earth ... ?"
"What? In these shoes? You must be joking."
"Crossing arid desserts and steaming jungles," the unicorn continued grimly, "fording mighty rivers and climbing snow-capped mountains-"
"I take it scheduled public transport isn't an option."
"Until you reach the Cradle of All Goblins, interrupt just once more and I wash my hooves of you, where you will encounter three trials. You must uncover the great truth that was hidden, you must right the ancestral wrong, and you must throw the fire into the ring of power. Only when you have done that -"
"Excuse me-"
"I warned you. Only when you have done that will you -"
"Excuse me," Benny said firmly, "bit I think you may have got the last one a bit turned round. Surely it should be throw the ring- — Tom Holt

There is that within a man that drives him ever onwards, just as the power of the seasons drives the roots of flowers into the hard earth; and so he decided, against his better judgment, to open his eyes and find out what was going to happen to him next. — Tom Holt

The doughnut was definitely looking at him. Hello, sailor, it seemed to be saying. — Tom Holt

You mean it's to be peace between you and Elizabeth until after the Tapestry?" cried Georgie, horrified. The prospect of a cessation of hostilities was appalling, for this warfare provided him with the excitement that no other occupation could hope to offer. "Isn't that a bit drastic? — Tom Holt

Most thoughtful,"...[he said] politely. This cheerfulness was ambiguous, Had she determined to ignore ...[the] coup entirely--an established tactic, most irritating to the innovator but hard to sustain over long periods of time--or had she already evolved her counter-strategy? — Tom Holt

Call it a hunch; and hunches don't just materialise, you pay for them with hard-earned experience. No such thing as a free hunch. — Tom Holt

He was ... at peace with the world, for it is not in the praise of others that the true artist revels, but in the knowledge that he has satisfied himself. — Tom Holt

I should hate to be employed and have no time for my needlework and my painting and playing the piano and seeing people. I find I have little enough spare time as it is." "Rubbish, caro, one can find time for important things if one makes an effort." conversation between Georgie and Lucia — Tom Holt

Realism without naturalism... is a leading motif in Modern Art. There is a move away from the struggle to perfect the reflection of Nature in Art's mirror, which I attribute to the all-pervading effects of photography...You must serve the tradition without being its slave. Remember you are an artist, not a draughtsman. — Tom Holt

American-style iced tea is the perfect drink for a hot, sunny day. It's never really caught on in the UK, probably because the last time we had a hot, sunny day was back in 1957. — Tom Holt

If the Good Lord had intended us to crawl, he'd have given us a hundred legs and an exosqueleton. — Tom Holt

Genies rarely have nightmares, for the same reason that elephants don't usually worry about being trampled underfoot. With the possible exception of bottles, there's nothing in the cosmos large enough or malicious enough to frighten them, or stupid enough to try. — Tom Holt

They were on foot, for the Royce had developed some curious wasting disease and was even more under the spanner. — Tom Holt

Mostly I sit at home in the evenings watching the box and hoping that one day I'll evolve into plankton. — Tom Holt

A romantic, I think the word is. Latin for idiot. — Tom Holt

Birmingham City Council was playing third time lucky with the design of the city's celebrated Victoria Square ... — Tom Holt

There's an old goblin saying; there is nothing to fear but fear itself and scary things. — Tom Holt

The conscientious arsonist doesn't just set the building on fire; first he fills the fire extinguishers with petrol. — Tom Holt

Just when you've squared up to the solemn realisation that life is a bitch, it turns round and does something nice, just to confuse you. - Emily Spitzer, The Better Mousetrap — Tom Holt

That's the problem with running away, said the little voice. No matter where you go, you have to take yourself with you; and if yourself is constitutionally incapable of leaving well enough alone and not worrying if the rest of the world is weirder than ferret ragout, where the hell is the point? — Tom Holt

As was usual in Tilling, the presence of the Wyses curbed the tongued and improved the manner of those around them...A silence generally fell on the company after Mr. Wyse had finished speaking, his language was so fine, so Augustan that it seemed a pity to defile its memory with effusions in the sugar tongue. — Tom Holt

I don't read the Sunday papers; or the dailies, either. — Tom Holt

Telling lies is a bit like tiling bathrooms - if you don't know how to do it properly, it's best not to try. — Tom Holt

There's nothing bad about reincarnation per se, it's basically a very good system, cost-effective and ecologically friendly. — Tom Holt

Although her hearing was excellent, she had that gift of temporary deafness that is granted to so few. — Tom Holt

{She] laughed so that the street seemed full of little silver bells, — Tom Holt

There are few moments of clarity more profound than those that follow the emptying of an overcharged bladder. The world slows down, the focus sharpens, the brain comes back on line. Huge nebulous difficulties prove on close calm examination to be merely cloud giants. — Tom Holt

Georgie paused on the threshold for a moment as if hesitant to enter the habitation of such a perjurer lest it should be struck by lightning. — Tom Holt

Lawyers are predators in grey worsted. — Tom Holt

So; in the beginning was the Word, but ten nanoseconds later there was a twelve-volume dictionary, and ten nanoseconds after that a Library of Congress, with 90 per cent of the books in foreign languages. It's probably not possible after such a lapse of time to find out what the original Word was. Given the consequences, however, it could well have been oops. — Tom Holt

He believes it's time to redesign Evil from the ground up; to face the challenges and opportunities of a diverse, rapidly changing society.
"He's thinking of calling it," said Miss Gold, "New Evil. — Tom Holt

Luck, like a Russian car, generally only works if you push it. — Tom Holt

It was worth repeating, because it constituted the First Law of Sentient Ordnance: Thou shalt not blow up the wrong planet. On that point the programmers had been insistent to the point of fussiness. Accordingly, — Tom Holt

New technology is useful, but it's inefficient and ugly; it knows it'll be obsolete by lunchtime tomorrow, so it has no incentive to be anything else. — Tom Holt

Mr Winckler clapped his hands together. Evil, as personified by me. Meet the new Dark Lord. But you can call me Albert. — Tom Holt

In his dream, George Stetchkin was in the dock at the Central Criminal Court, accused of the murder of nine million innocent brain cells. The usher was showing the jury the alleged murder weapon, an empty Bison Brand wodka bottle. Then the judge glared at him over the rims of his spectacles and sentenced him to the worst hangover of his life. — Tom Holt

Look not for too long into the doughnut, lest the doughnut look into you. — Tom Holt

It was irritating to have one's physical shortcomings pointed out quite so plainly twice in one evening, once by a beautiful girl and once by a dying badger. — Tom Holt

Thanks anyway,' Vanderdecker repeated, and wandered off to have a stare at the sea. It was his equivalent to beating his head repeatedly against a wall. — Tom Holt

Mr Tanner frowned at him, as though he was a spelling mistake. — Tom Holt

In spite of really intense competition for the job, I'm still my own worst enemy. — Tom Holt

Poetry is one of the few nasty childhood habits I've managed to grow out of. — Tom Holt

The best definition of an immortal is someone who hasn't died yet. — Tom Holt

There's all sorts of things I was always meaning to get around to - learning to play the flute, calculating the square root of nought, going mad - but I just didn't have the time. — Tom Holt

And if I've got to die, I want to die an editor. — Tom Holt

He could hear rain pattering on the thatch, like a million mice line-dancing. — Tom Holt

Not only had he lost the only girl he'd ever loved, he'd lost her in duplicate, like some heartbroken but highly efficient civil servant. — Tom Holt

Human beings can get used to virtually anything, given plenty of time and no choice in the matter whatsoever. — Tom Holt

You wouldn't think you could get bored falling to your death ... But when it's a really, really long drop, there's a definite risk on ennui. — Tom Holt

It had all dropped into place, like the last bit of the jigsaw, which you thought all along was a bit of left-hand sky, but when you turn it over you realise it's the last chunk of right-hand sea, or the sky tricksily reflected in the surface of the pond. — Tom Holt