Stephen Colbert Quotes & Sayings

On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice. — Stephen Colbert

Now you'll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any. — Stephen Colbert

Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator? — Stephen Colbert

I've said it before: equations are the devil's sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation, an infernal salad of numbers, letters, and symbols. — Stephen Colbert

You can't really be passionately moderate. It's like wearing an 'Extra Medium' - it doesn't exist. — Stephen Colbert

And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know
these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are. — Stephen Colbert

What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle ... I just wanna dance'? — Stephen Colbert

President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry. — Stephen Colbert

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow. — Stephen Colbert

Simply being a guest on David Letterman's show has been a highlight of my career. I never dreamed that I would follow in his footsteps, though everyone in late night follows Dave's lead. I'm thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go grind a gap in my front teeth. — Stephen Colbert

In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter. — Stephen Colbert

But you are also the biggest threat of all ... You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away. — Stephen Colbert

So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves. — Stephen Colbert

Last night, we did the Threatdown
God, it's hard to even talk about this
and for the first time, I didn't mention bears. It's winter, they're asleep, I didn't think it would be a problem. But today I see this in the Toronto Globe and Mail
apparently a 700-pound polar bear showed up at a children's hockey game. I've said this before, they're after our kids
they're tender, juicy, you don't even have to throw away the bones. — Stephen Colbert

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert

Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action. — Stephen Colbert

Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it. — Stephen Colbert

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are. — Stephen Colbert

But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're completely deluding themselves. There's simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn't hate them so much, I'd feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life completely duped into thinking that there's no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding every action on Earth. It's just so arbitrary! Can't they see? — Stephen Colbert

There once was a man name Barack,
Whose re-election came as a shock.
He raised the taxes I pay,
And then turned marriage gay.
And now he's coming after your glock. — Stephen Colbert

Any religion whose messiah's name
isn't recognized by Microsoft Word can't be that much of
a threat. — Stephen Colbert

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories. — Stephen Colbert

Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting them on the Internet, allowing the general public to hear words that were meant for people who already agree with us. Hey, Media Matters, you want to end offensive speech? Then stop recording it for people who would be offended. — Stephen Colbert

Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom. — Stephen Colbert

I deliver my Truth hot and hard. — Stephen Colbert

If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister. — Stephen Colbert

You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection. — Stephen Colbert

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty! — Stephen Colbert

Just because I haven't put a lot of thought into this book doesn't mean you shouldn't. I warn you to read this book carefully. Savor my ideas. Memorize the pertinent passages. Eat with it, sleep with it, let nature take its course.
Because what I have dictated is nothing less than a Constitution for the Colbert Nation. And, like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research.
I didn't need to. The only research I needed was a long hard look in the mirror. — Stephen Colbert

I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint. — Stephen Colbert

If you're saying farewell to your arms, what do you use to wave goodbye? — Stephen Colbert

If you don't give power to the words that people throw at you to hurt you, they don't hurt you anymore. And you actually have power over those people. — Stephen Colbert

If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat. — Stephen Colbert

The more you know, the sadder you get. — Stephen Colbert

Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert

Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?! — Stephen Colbert

Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal. — Stephen Colbert

Unfortunately, most of today's women resemble bowerbirds that force
suitors to build elaborate nests of twigs, leaves, and discarded garbage before choosing a mate. Any male who doesn't meet her standards doesn't get to mate that year; one assumes he just stays in his bower, reads bower manuals, and watches bowerbird porn. — Stephen Colbert

While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad. — Stephen Colbert

What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns? — Stephen Colbert

The first time I met Jon Stewart was at the press conference that Comedy Central held to announce Jon would be the new host of 'The Daily Show,' which back then was not called 'The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.' — Stephen Colbert

Evil exists because of the disobedience of Satan. God gave Satan, and the angels, and man free will. Satan used his free will and abused it by not obeying authority. Hell was created by Satan's disobedience to God, and his purposeful removal from God's love - which is what hell is. Removing yourself from God's love. You send yourself to hell. God does not send you there. — Stephen Colbert

I started off at the Second City in Chicago ... It's an improvisational theater that ostensibly does social and political satire, but when I was there, we generally didn't. We did character work, and we did just the silliest things we could think of. We weren't all that concerned with, you know, changing the world through mime. — Stephen Colbert

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, I hope it lands on a philosophy professor. — Stephen Colbert

I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. — Stephen Colbert

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes. — Stephen Colbert

So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop "liberating" moms by trying to
make them join the workforce. They're already doing the job that God put
them here to do: Everything. — Stephen Colbert

Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith. — Stephen Colbert

My father always wanted to be 'Col-bear.' He lived in the same town as his father, and his father didn't like the idea of the name with the French pronunciation. So my father said to us, 'Do what you want. You're not going to offend anybody.' And he was dead long before I made my decision. — Stephen Colbert

Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news. — Stephen Colbert

I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal. — Stephen Colbert

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime! — Stephen Colbert

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear — Stephen Colbert

I have a morality. I don't know if it's the best morality. And I do like thinking. If people perceive that as a moral intellectualism, that's fine. That's up to them to decide. — Stephen Colbert

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ. — Stephen Colbert

Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up. — Stephen Colbert

Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior. — Stephen Colbert

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists - they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity. — Stephen Colbert

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible - I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. — Stephen Colbert

Late-night shows are 'Chopped.' Who are your guests tonight? Your guests tonight are veal tongue, coffee grounds and gummy bears. There, make a show ... Make an appetizer that appeals to millions of people. That's what I like. How could you possibly do it? Oh, you bring in your own flavors. Your own house band is another flavor. — Stephen Colbert

President Bush, have a hot dog with me. — Stephen Colbert

I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it — Stephen Colbert

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping. — Stephen Colbert

I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes. — Stephen Colbert

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach ... just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage. — Stephen Colbert

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies. — Stephen Colbert

Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological
Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in
America - less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair. — Stephen Colbert

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian. — Stephen Colbert

I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview "wrong." — Stephen Colbert

And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it. — Stephen Colbert

It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies. — Stephen Colbert

We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike ... We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it. — Stephen Colbert

I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That's not me talking. You can't just buy those. — Stephen Colbert

I'm not just a pundit - I'm a comedian. — Stephen Colbert

I love 'Sunday in the Park with George.' I saw that when I was just, just starting theater school, and I remember singing 'Finishing the Hat' or at least reading the lyrics to 'Finishing the Hat' and other songs from 'Sunday in the Park with George' to my mom to try to explain why I wanted to be an artist. — Stephen Colbert

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion. — Stephen Colbert

This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian. — Stephen Colbert

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion. — Stephen Colbert

I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera. — Stephen Colbert

If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids. — Stephen Colbert

To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy. — Stephen Colbert

Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem. — Stephen Colbert

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. — Stephen Colbert

Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we'd be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the way, we can feel confident in our choice to picket our children's elementary school when we find out the art teacher is gay. — Stephen Colbert

I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it. — Stephen Colbert

I love making observations. That one is a classic example. — Stephen Colbert

(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock — Stephen Colbert

I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment. — Stephen Colbert

Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around. — Stephen Colbert

A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're seeking $100 billion. Here's the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp. — Stephen Colbert

That's my parenting style - 'Go watch the TV.' I'm one of 11 children, and my mother's parenting style was, 'There's the TV. Go watch it. Mommy's got 10 other people to take care of.' — Stephen Colbert

I'd like to leave you with a bit of wisdom I picked up from a documentary I saw this weekend: Mad Max: Fury Road. All you young people really need to succeed in the future is a reliable source of fuel and a fanatical cadre of psychopathic motorcycle killers. — Stephen Colbert

After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it! — Stephen Colbert

I started as a straight actor. I'd go onstage, and I'd think, 'Wow, this is the only thing I want to work really hard at. I will rehearse fifty times on a single scene; I don't care - I'll do it again.' — Stephen Colbert

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once! — Stephen Colbert

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob. — Stephen Colbert

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires. — Stephen Colbert

Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns. — Stephen Colbert

Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche. — Stephen Colbert

I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time. — Stephen Colbert