Spike Milligan Quotes & Sayings

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. — Spike Milligan

I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up. — Spike Milligan

The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson. — Spike Milligan

Patience, thought Milligan, that word was invented by dull buggers who couldn't think quick enough. — Spike Milligan

The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can be as he never played the game in his life. — Spike Milligan

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee.
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B? — Spike Milligan

On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
And the Monkeys all say Boo!
Theres a Nang Nong Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the Mice go Clang!
And you just cant catch em when they do!
So its Ning Nang Nong!
Cows go Bong!
Nong Nang Ning!
Trees go Ping!
Nong Ning Nang!
The mice go Clang!
What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong! — Spike Milligan

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard. — Spike Milligan

If I could write words
Like leaves on an autumn forest floor,
What a bonfire my letters would make.
If I could speak words of water,
You would drown when I said
I love you. — Spike Milligan

Therec all the rage, Cab Calaway wears one. — Spike Milligan

They're all the rage, Cab Calloway wears one. — Spike Milligan

My sister Laura's bigger than me
And lifts me up quite easily.
I can't lift her, I've tried and tried;
She must have something heavy inside. — Spike Milligan

My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. — Spike Milligan

If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it. — Spike Milligan

Busty' Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler. — Spike Milligan

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ! — Spike Milligan

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush — Spike Milligan

Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy. — Spike Milligan

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
— Spike Milligan

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone) — Spike Milligan

Author, author, did you write these legs?( The Milligan- Puckoon — Spike Milligan

I'm a hero with coward's legs. — Spike Milligan

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. — Spike Milligan

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A — Spike Milligan

Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs. — Spike Milligan

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex. — Spike Milligan

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light — Spike Milligan

I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake. The pain is too much ... Something has happened to me, this vital spark has stopped burning - I go to a dinner table now and I don't say a word, just sit there like a dodo. Normally I am the centre of attention, keeps the conversation going, - so that is depressing in itself. It's like another person taking over, very strange. The most important thing I say is 'good evening' and then I go quiet. — Spike Milligan

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? — Spike Milligan

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic. — Spike Milligan

A family man from Siberia
As a father was very inferior
But one operation
Revised the situation
And now he's Mother Superior — Spike Milligan

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost. — Spike Milligan

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse. — Spike Milligan

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be? — Spike Milligan

I'm Irish. We think sideways — Spike Milligan

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me. — Spike Milligan

It's all in the mind, you know. — Spike Milligan

The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a day and that was better than no clock at all. — Spike Milligan

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it. — Spike Milligan

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. — Spike Milligan

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart. — Spike Milligan

Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden. — Spike Milligan

I can speak Esperanto like a native. — Spike Milligan

In the human race today, you came last. — Spike Milligan

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death. — Spike Milligan

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. — Spike Milligan

A sure cure for seasickness is to stand underneath a tree. — Spike Milligan

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. — Spike Milligan

After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it — Spike Milligan

A lot of learning canbe a little thing. — Spike Milligan

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant — Spike Milligan

Everybody has to be somewhere! — Spike Milligan

I have a body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. — Spike Milligan

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong! — Spike Milligan

If a robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage,
How feels heaven when
Dies the billionth battery hen? — Spike Milligan

There are holes in the sky
Where the rain gets in,
But they're ever so small
That's why rain is thin. — Spike Milligan

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke. — Spike Milligan

(On his gravestone): "I told you I was ill". — Spike Milligan

Pakistani Dalek: Put him in the cur-ry — Spike Milligan

If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive. — Spike Milligan

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy. — Spike Milligan

I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much. — Spike Milligan

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away. — Spike Milligan

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral. — Spike Milligan

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in — Spike Milligan

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. — Spike Milligan

What is a Bongaloo, Daddy?"
A Bongaloo, Son," said I,
Is a tall bag of cheese
Plus a Chinaman's knees
And the leg of a nanny goat's eye — Spike Milligan

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. — Spike Milligan

We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong. — Spike Milligan

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string. — Spike Milligan

Life wasn't too bad. The trouble with Man was, even while he was having a good time, he didn't appreciate it. Why, thought Milligan, this very moment might be the happiest in me life. The very thought of it made him miserable. — Spike Milligan

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse — Spike Milligan

Well, he thought, you can fool some of the people all the time and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States, and on that useless profundity, Milligan himself pedalled on, himself, himself. — Spike Milligan

Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things. — Spike Milligan

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one. — Spike Milligan

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. — Spike Milligan

I told you I was ill. (On Millian's headstone) — Spike Milligan

Come, come, come? I'm not asking for hundreds of pounds, just a little to start with. Will someone say ten shillings?'
'I can say it, Father' said Milligan, 'but I haven't got it.'
'I've got it,' thought Dr Goldstein, 'but I'm not going to say it. — Spike Milligan

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife. — Spike Milligan

With a roof over his head he had ceased to work, living off his [war] pension and his wits, both hopelessly inadequate. — Spike Milligan

Waiting for the operation, there was a gentle tap on the door.In came a strapping nurse. 'Good morning', she shrilled, whipped back the bedclothes, upped with his nightshirt, grabbed his willy, lathered furiously around it till it looked like the Eddystone Lighthouse in a storm, then shaved the whole area till it looked like an oven-ready chicken.
'Excuse me, nurse', said Looney, 'why did you knock? — Spike Milligan

The die was cast. It was a proud day for the Milligan family as I was taken from the house. "I'm too young to go," I screamed as Military Policemen dragged me from my pram, clutching a dummy. At Victoria Station the R.T.O. gave me a travel warrant, a white feather and a picture of Hitler marked "This is your enemy." I searched every compartment, but he wasn't on the train. At 4.30, June 2nd, 1940, on a summer's day all mare's tails and blue sky we arrived at Bexhill-on-Sea, where I got off. It wasn't easy. The train didn't stop there. — Spike Milligan

God made nightButMan made darkness. — Spike Milligan

If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon. — Spike Milligan

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part. — Spike Milligan

I told you I was sick. — Spike Milligan

R.I.P.
Tom Conlon O'Rourke.
Not Dead, just Sleeping. — Spike Milligan