Scott McNeely Quotes & Sayings

A girl was riding the elevator down to the lobby. The elevator stopped on the tenth floor and a totally cute boy walked in. She farted. Thinking fast on her feet she said, "Cool ringtone, isn't it? Want me to send it to you? — Scott McNeely

Q: Why did the teacher jump into the lake? A: She wanted to test the waters. — Scott McNeely

Grandpa recently turned sixty-five and went to the doctor for a complete physical. After an exam the doctor said grandpa was doing "fairly well" for his age. Grandpa was a little concerned and asked, "Doc, do you think I'll live to eighty?" The doctor asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcohol?" "Oh no," Grandpa replied, "and I don't do drugs, either." "Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?" Grandpa said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself." "Do you eat beef and pork?" "No, my other doctor said red meat is unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time doing things in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, or bicycling?" "No, I don't." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?" "No, I don't do any of those things anymore." The doctor looked at Grandpa and said, "Then why do you care? — Scott McNeely

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer. — Scott McNeely

Q: Why do so many white people get lost skiing? A: It's hard to find them in the snow. — Scott McNeely

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Because breasts don't have eyes. — Scott McNeely