Rodney Dangerfield Quotes & Sayings

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. — Rodney Dangerfield

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum! — Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table. — Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it. — Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. — Rodney Dangerfield

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks. — Rodney Dangerfield

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom. — Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. — Rodney Dangerfield

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt. — Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round. — Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer. — Rodney Dangerfield

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred. — Rodney Dangerfield

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. — Rodney Dangerfield

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too? — Rodney Dangerfield

I was a poster child ... for birth control! — Rodney Dangerfield

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms. — Rodney Dangerfield

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids. — Rodney Dangerfield

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher. — Rodney Dangerfield

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake. — Rodney Dangerfield

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it. — Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.' — Rodney Dangerfield

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out. — Rodney Dangerfield

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail. — Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin. — Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me! — Rodney Dangerfield

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"! — Rodney Dangerfield

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, 'no. — Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect ... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother — Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?" — Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying. — Rodney Dangerfield

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. — Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough". — Rodney Dangerfield

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped. — Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. — Rodney Dangerfield

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all. — Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer. — Rodney Dangerfield

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap. — Rodney Dangerfield

You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two! — Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. — Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! — Rodney Dangerfield

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents? — Rodney Dangerfield

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. — Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint. — Rodney Dangerfield

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian. — Rodney Dangerfield

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me ... and no one showed up. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun! — Rodney Dangerfield

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. — Rodney Dangerfield

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again. — Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. — Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit — Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book. — Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. — Rodney Dangerfield

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive ... The refrigerator. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. — Rodney Dangerfield

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! — Rodney Dangerfield

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed. — Rodney Dangerfield

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy. — Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. — Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. — Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial. — Rodney Dangerfield

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it". — Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money. — Rodney Dangerfield

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right. — Rodney Dangerfield

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car. — Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies. — Rodney Dangerfield

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it. — Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits. — Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. — Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks. — Rodney Dangerfield

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind. — Rodney Dangerfield

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette. — Rodney Dangerfield

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark ... ' — Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride. — Rodney Dangerfield

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have nothing to play with. — Rodney Dangerfield

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all. — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. — Rodney Dangerfield

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you. — Rodney Dangerfield

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again. — Rodney Dangerfield

Man, who don't like spaghetti? — Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. — Rodney Dangerfield

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! — Rodney Dangerfield

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate. — Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." — Rodney Dangerfield