Robyn Peterman Quotes & Sayings

Samuel," I said sternly. "You just said some really shitty words. We do not fucking speak like that in this house. Do you understand Mommy?" Samuel giggled hysterically and flipped — Robyn Peterman

When you die, the only things you leave behind are memories in the minds of those who loved you. That was how you lived on. — Robyn Peterman

The Vampyres were loosey goosey, the Witches were nuts and the freakin' Fairies were downright pushovers, but not the Weres. Nope, if you enlisted you were in for life. — Robyn Peterman

What in the hell are you digging for?" "The seat belt." "Oh." She shrugged guiltily. "I cut them out. Everybody's doing it. — Robyn Peterman

It was a huge misconception that my father created all the chaos and evil on Earth. Mortals were given free will by my Uncle God, and they created evil all by their lonesome. My dad got to punish the you know what out of those idiots who choose to be heinously bad. And quite honestly some of them deserved my dad's wrath. He loved his job. Another misconception is that Hell is below and Heaven is above. What does that even mean? Nothing is up or down, that's just human mythology. Most likely the mistake was made because Hell was occasionally called the Underworld. Hell and Heaven are simply on different planes, accessible through portals. Earth was modeled after a combination of the seasons, climates and terrains of Heaven and Hell. We all shared the same moon and sun and stars. — Robyn Peterman

I was speechless. Rare for me, but if anyone was capable of shocking me to silence, it was my mother. — Robyn Peterman

and a build like a brick shithouse. — Robyn Peterman

Maybe after I saved everyone we could all take a ride on the fucking Ferris wheel ... Fuck was now added to my vocabulary. It was an outstanding word that could basically mean just about anything. It could be used as a noun, verb and adverb. It rolled off the tongue with ease and even if you spoke a foreign language it was difficult not to understand fuck off or off you fuck or fuck you. — Robyn Peterman

I'd never read a romance novel about conjoined twins. It was a huge market that had never been tapped. I had just come up with the new Twilight, — Robyn Peterman

For the love of everything evil," Satan yelled and threw his hands in the air. "What's this crap about everyone doubting me? This is not good for my ego. I'm the fucking Devil - the King — Robyn Peterman

Hanks grin almost sent me into meltdown. The kind where I killed him, but first I would stick my tongue down his throat and ride him till he was blind. — Robyn Peterman

We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop. — Robyn Peterman

He was so delighted when I bested him that he slapped me on the back and sent me flying into a tree, which I knocked down. It was a hundred year old oak. — Robyn Peterman

And you're on crack. I'm a witch and you're a wolf. I was not built to blow puppies out of my hooha." His — Robyn Peterman

Cockmotherhumpershitpissbodoinkeewacker, — Robyn Peterman

I opened my mouth and projectile-vomited on her from head to toe. The more I retched, the more I had to retch. It was a disgusting self-fulfilling prophecy. Her howls and screeches were music to my indebted ears. Her hair was covered and her net top held my gift beautifully. — Robyn Peterman

I'm twenty-nine, happily single and getting it on a regular basis' I said, enjoying the way their thin lips hung open in an impressive O.
'Well I've never,' Jane gasped.
'Clearly. You should try it some time. I understand Mr Smith is so vision impaired you might have a shot there.'
Their appalled shrieks were music to my ears and I quickly made my escape. — Robyn Peterman

Hung Island, Georgia, — Robyn Peterman

Oh my god," I shrieked. "Who did I screw over in a former life that those douches get to go to cool cities and I have to go home to an island called Hung?" "Those douches do have hairy asses and not just on a full moon. You're the only female agent I have that looks like a model so you're going to Georgia. Period." "Fine. I'll quit. I'll open a bakery." Angela smiled and an icky feeling skittered down my spine. "Excellent, I'll let you tell the Council that all the money they invested in your training is going to be flushed down the toilet — Robyn Peterman

I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and slammed it shut. I shouldn't have come. I should have waited outside for Jack, told him my family had leprosy, and sent him on his merry way. After I boinked him in my new car. — Robyn Peterman

How about Al?" Sam suggested. "Perfect," Dave grinned. "Um ... Hi Poseidon, this is Al." "Al who?" "Al Jacques Yuoff!" Dave snorted, desperately trying not to laugh as Hairy Sam rocked back and forth giggling. "Al Jacques Yuoff?" Poseidon boomed. "You'll jack me off? Thanks you fat bastard!" Dave shrieked and hung up quickly. — Robyn Peterman

The outside often ends up being a manifestation of what lies within. — Robyn Peterman

Puck Flare's eyes turned blood red and narrowed to slits. "What have you done to me?" he demanded as a spear of fire flew from his lips. "What have you done?" Ducking so I didn't fry was necessary, but he did ask a question. I'd been raised in the South and was occasionally polite. The man deserved an answer. "I — Robyn Peterman

I love you, Essie. Before you came into my life, I had considered ending myself. Three hundred years is a long time to be alone. You've given me hope, a career as a drag queen and a dysfunctional family. I am supremely grateful. Bite me." And — Robyn Peterman

Hooters McHoulihan, let's get the fuck out of here. This G-string is so far up my ass, it's making my brain hurt, Jane grumbled — Robyn Peterman

Oookay, that was seriously confusing, especially the part about the Warrior Prince being a taco stand, I laughed, trying to thaw the icy chill in the room. — Robyn Peterman

Nancy writes romantic cookbooks! — Robyn Peterman

I was just pissy and bored and horny and lonely. It was a bad combination. Bad. — Robyn Peterman

He said they've literally set up a camp across the street from the hotel and they have signs and bullhorns and the kind of Christian attitude that makes God puke. — Robyn Peterman

Sammy is Upoopia!" my baby shouted and clapped his hands, instantly bringing all the furniture in the room to life. Couches and chairs upended their occupants and began to dance around the room recklessly.
"Outstanding," Satan yelled as he tangoed with a chaise. "My great nephew is tremendous". — Robyn Peterman

It takes a while for the heat to work in this piece of shit, but when it kicks in, you'll sweat like a fat whore at confession. — Robyn Peterman

God lets people out to play poker?" This was too much for even me to believe and I was a Vampyre. A myth . . . — Robyn Peterman

Don't know. Never let a wolf near my neck." He grinned and gave me a quick hug. "I love you, Essie. Before you came into my life, I had considered ending myself. Three hundred years is a long time to be alone. You've given me hope, a career as a drag queen and a dysfunctional family. I am supremely grateful. Bite me."
And because I trusted him ... I did. — Robyn Peterman

It occurred to me that might not be the best of ideas, but desperate times led to stupid measures. — Robyn Peterman

Crazy didn't just run in my family ... it stopped and strolled and hung out. — Robyn Peterman

She crossed her toothpick legs, and I realized with sickening clarity that she was going commando. — Robyn Peterman

Is your name even David?' I asked as I yanked my panties back on.
'Is yours Melanie?' he inquired, buttoning his jeans.
'I asked first,' I countered, wondering for the umpteenth time why being an idiot came so easily to me. — Robyn Peterman

Then I will skin it and suck all the blood out of it unless it's a Troll. Trolls taste like ass. We tried two of the randy bastards just to make sure and we will not be imbibing Troll again any time soon, — Robyn Peterman

Will you guys by okay?" I asked granny and BFF.
"Oh, hell yeah. We're gonna play Twister and then try on wigs and girdles," Granny informed us. — Robyn Peterman

Can I ask you something weird?" Dwayne inquired. "Does it pertain?" "Yes." "Fine, but hurry. I'm due in the agency in ten." "Don't speak till I finish," Dwayne said in a weary voice I'd never heard. "I am going to bite you. I will drink a very small amount of your blood so I can track you definitively. I don't trust my sense of smell enough where your life is concerned. You will then bite me and drink. You will find it disgusting, disturbing and possibly somewhat erotic, which is gross because you're straight and I'm gay, but you will do it. My blood will give you vampire strength. It's temporary, so don't freak. Let's do it." "Was all that a joke?" I stammered. "What? The straight and gay part?" He was confused. "Or the temporary part?" "All of it," I yelled. — Robyn Peterman

You're joking." "No, actually I'm not," my boss said and slapped the folder into my hands. "You leave tomorrow morning and I don't want to see your hairy ass till this is solved." I looked wildly around her office for something to lob at her head. It occurred to me that might not be the best of ideas, but desperate times led to stupid measures. She could not do this to me. I'd worked too hard and I wasn't going back. Ever. "First of all, my ass is not hairy except on a full moon and you're smoking crack if you think I'm going back to Georgia." Angela crossed her arms over her ample chest and narrowed her eyes at me. "Am I your boss?" she asked. "Is this a trick question? — Robyn Peterman

It took a lot to render me silent, like learning my grandma had been a stripper in her youth, and that all male Werewolves were hung like horses ... but this was horrific. — Robyn Peterman

Do you mind if we leave here so I can chain smoke 'til I throw up so it will be easier to quit? — Robyn Peterman

Jumping up and down like a Mexican jumping bean on crack. — Robyn Peterman

Her eyes narrowed, but she wasn't yelling.
I think she liked me ... kind of. The way a mother would like an annoying spastic two year old who belonged to someone else. — Robyn Peterman

He shifted his attention back to me and leaned in closer. "I told you to behave. I don't want to have to arrest you ever again."
"Um ... okay."
I felt him slide something under my hand. He leaned in even closer, his mouth by my ear, and whispered, "Although I wouldn't mind handcuffing you."
Oh. My. God. — Robyn Peterman

Ethan chuckled and pulled his child close. "However, it might be nice if you gave your Uncle Satan blue skin tomorrow. He would love that."
The gasps in the room were hilarious. My Vampyre was evil to the core ... I bit my lip to keep from screaming or laughing. Satan would look awesome as a Smurf. I needed to make sure my phone was charged so I could get some good blackmail shots. — Robyn Peterman

I was amazing," Dwayne squealed triumphantly as he landed gracefully in the middle of the room. "I did the meld and they bubbled and turned a lovely bluish-orange-green and then BOOM! The sound was incredible. Absolutely fabulous - like fornicating cats and Madonna. — Robyn Peterman

Do Dragons eat Mexican?" Hank wondered out loud.
"Dude, they eat people. Mexican is a vast improvement over people. — Robyn Peterman

Dwayne, can you shoot a gun?" Dwayne rolled his eyes. "Hanky-poo, Dwayne doesn't need a gun. I have crap in my repertoire that will make you lose sleep for the rest of your life." We all digested that nugget silently for a moment and then moved on. If Dwayne wanted us to know exactly what he was capable of, he would have volunteered it. Part of me hoped I would never have to find out, but the other half was dying to know. "Speaking — Robyn Peterman

Out," I instructed as I began peeling my clothes from my body. "I am going to pee for twenty-seven minutes, and then I'm going to shower for forty-two minutes, followed by scrubbing my teeth for sixty-one minutes. — Robyn Peterman

Do not mess with my friends, myself or my Prada. — Robyn Peterman

You're my BFF and I would shred someone's skin from their body and shove their bones down their dead ass throat for you. — Robyn Peterman

What's your biggest fear?" I asked. Now that the door was open, I wanted to know a few things about him. He might be hot, but maybe I wouldn't like him. Maybe he was a jerk ... "My biggest fear," Hayden repeated as he ran his hands through his thick blond hair. "My biggest fear is being alone through all eternity." Damn, that was deep. I was going to say spiders. — Robyn Peterman

Why should it?" I shrugged. "I'm a Demon Princess, my father is Satan, most of my sisters are raging sluts, I have an invisible friend named Blanche and I've been in therapy for what feels like half of my life because I'm not evil enough. I'm not sure I'm such a great catch either. — Robyn Peterman

Life happens whether we are ready or not - the only choice or control we have is whether or not we will rise to meet its challenges. — Robyn Peterman

Hear it smells like road kill in ninety degree weather on that side of the building, — Robyn Peterman

But the best part - and I say best with utter and unmistakable disgust - is me tearing around the stage screaming, 'No more wire hangers,' while the cast twerks in terror." Finally I'd rendered them mute. They didn't laugh. They didn't snicker. They didn't go for their balls. The cats simply stared in shock. — Robyn Peterman

What is she?" I asked him. He paused and considered my question. "She's a bitch. A horrible, horrible bitch." He looked down at her and laughed. "But she's my bitch. — Robyn Peterman

Anyone who discounts you is a dumbass," I muttered as the golf cart jerked forward.
"And are you a dumbass?" the Pigeon inquired as she peeked under the tarp.
"Absolutely not ... I'm a smartass. — Robyn Peterman

I'm playing Soda Candy Crush. I'm on level 660 and I found a way to cheat to get more lives. Besides, it's getting boring here," Satan replied. — Robyn Peterman

Tomorrow would be a new day filled with uncertainty and very possibly danger, but right now all was right with my world. "Come on, baby. Let's go home," Hank said. "Will you guys be okay?" I asked my granny and BFF. "Oh, hell yeah. We're gonna play Twister and then try on wigs and girdles," Granny informed us. Hank seemed confused, so I pushed him out the door before he asked questions he didn't want the answers to. "That visual was disturbing, — Robyn Peterman

Do you think five babysitters will be sufficient?" Ethan inquired sardonically.
"No, but I'm willing to leave the compound without panties if we can make that happen."
"I'm on it," he said as he quickly began texting our gaggle of sitters — Robyn Peterman

If you puke in my room, I will make you eat it. Do you understand me? — Robyn Peterman

That will be fine," Ethan muttered. "Now breathe through the pain." "Come over here," she grunted. "I'll show you how to breathe through my fist. — Robyn Peterman

I figured since I'd arrived in Crazytown, I may as well take off my coat and stay a while. — Robyn Peterman