Rita Rudner Quotes & Sayings

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help. — Rita Rudner

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes. — Rita Rudner

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. — Rita Rudner

Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. — Rita Rudner

I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. — Rita Rudner

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram." — Rita Rudner

You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it. — Rita Rudner

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. — Rita Rudner

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. — Rita Rudner

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald". — Rita Rudner

Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. — Rita Rudner

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. — Rita Rudner

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover. — Rita Rudner

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. — Rita Rudner

Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people. — Rita Rudner

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. — Rita Rudner

I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. — Rita Rudner

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young. — Rita Rudner

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. — Rita Rudner

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment. — Rita Rudner

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita." — Rita Rudner

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum. — Rita Rudner

Cats are a waste of fur. — Rita Rudner

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. — Rita Rudner

I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he's going to be in the room when there's a delivery is if there's a pizza involved. — Rita Rudner

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. — Rita Rudner

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. — Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. — Rita Rudner

Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. — Rita Rudner

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! — Rita Rudner

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about "New Car Interior"? — Rita Rudner

My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing. — Rita Rudner

I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me. — Rita Rudner

When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. — Rita Rudner

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" — Rita Rudner

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to. — Rita Rudner

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work. — Rita Rudner

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. — Rita Rudner

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962. — Rita Rudner

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs. — Rita Rudner

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A. — Rita Rudner

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. — Rita Rudner

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. — Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives. — Rita Rudner

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to. — Rita Rudner

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. — Rita Rudner

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo. — Rita Rudner

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself well, that's not going to happen — Rita Rudner

I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. — Rita Rudner

My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. — Rita Rudner

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home. — Rita Rudner

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now. — Rita Rudner

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror. — Rita Rudner

I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur. — Rita Rudner

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. — Rita Rudner

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to. — Rita Rudner

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. — Rita Rudner

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. — Rita Rudner

I had the most boring office job in the world ... I used to clean the windows on envelopes. — Rita Rudner

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly. — Rita Rudner

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. — Rita Rudner

I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance. — Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire? — Rita Rudner

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before. — Rita Rudner

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch. — Rita Rudner

Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind. — Rita Rudner

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do! I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you." — Rita Rudner

My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take — Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' — Rita Rudner

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends ... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body. — Rita Rudner

All men would still really like to own a train set. — Rita Rudner

My Vegas act is how I make my money. — Rita Rudner

I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. — Rita Rudner

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? — Rita Rudner

Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. — Rita Rudner

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed. — Rita Rudner

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. — Rita Rudner

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. — Rita Rudner

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. — Rita Rudner

I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. — Rita Rudner

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers. — Rita Rudner

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. — Rita Rudner

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third. — Rita Rudner

I'm going to start water skiing someday ... as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat. — Rita Rudner

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag. — Rita Rudner

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. — Rita Rudner

Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now. — Rita Rudner

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying — Rita Rudner

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. — Rita Rudner

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying. — Rita Rudner

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. — Rita Rudner

Men in high levels of government seldom surf. — Rita Rudner

I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward. — Rita Rudner

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. — Rita Rudner

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. — Rita Rudner

While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch. — Rita Rudner

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go. — Rita Rudner

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. — Rita Rudner

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings. — Rita Rudner