Red Buttons Quotes & Sayings

Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, Where the hell are the paper cups? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, Who doesn't have a headache tonight? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Stan Musial, who said, Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It's only a nickname. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Moses, who said when the Red Sea parted, What the hell was that? I was just going in for a dip! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, Give us a visit, and bring the missus. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Christopher Columbus, who said to Queen Isabella, No, you got it wrong! The world is round. You're flat! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Gandhi, who went to Wendy's and asked, Where's the belief? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Pope John Paul II's press secretary, who said, See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, I got more ribs - you got more broads? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Alexander Graham Bell's wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, Your three minutes are up. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

John Travolta, who said, My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?" — Red Buttons

I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping. — Red Buttons

Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Moshe Dayan, who donated his eye to CBS. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Alex Hailey, who traced his roots all the way to the back of the bus. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Nostradamus, who predicted that Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Peter Minuet, who said to the Indians in modern-day Manhattan, Will you accept a check from a Puerto Rican bank? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Burt Reynolds, great sex symbol of the movies, who said, I owe it all to one great part. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Where else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman? — Red Buttons

Moses, who said to the Israelites, Stop calling me Charlton! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Orson Welles, who said to Anita Bryant, Stop picketing me. What I said was I was a thespian. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Moses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello. — Red Buttons

Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Eve said to the serpent, 'You know I could go for a bit to eat, but I don't know you from Adam.' — Red Buttons

George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there. — Red Buttons

Clint Eastwood's sex therapist, who said to Clint, Do it any which way you can, but no sudden impact. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary. — Red Buttons

Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her husband Claus on their honeymoon, Stop needling me. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

If I lose show business - I'll really be an orphan! — Red Buttons

Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees ... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but ... thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license! — Red Buttons

I'll tell you the truth; I wanted to leave me for Sid Caesar. — Red Buttons

Some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Joan Rivers, who said to Marcel Marceau, Can we talk? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Noah's wife, who said to Noah, Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, Stop shaking! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, Who sent for all this ice? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Rip Van Winkle, who said, Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Dr. Spock, who said, Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Saint Christopher, who said, Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Noah's wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It's your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

George Washington, who said to his father, Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Michelangelo's girlfriend, who said to Angelo, Forget the paint - let's put a mirror on the ceiling. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Ray Charles, who said to Stevie Wonder, Maybe we're white. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Billy Carter, who asked his brother Jimmy, Do you think you could get me on the Gong Show? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Sydney Poitier, who said to Lester Maddox, Guess who's not coming to dinner? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Elizabeth Taylor has a big heart. She recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way. — Red Buttons

There is only one goal. That's to keep working and keep flossing. — Red Buttons

Steven Spielberg's mother, who said to E.T., I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, Are you sure all we did was kiss? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Joseph Cotten, who said, You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. — Red Buttons

Adam, who said to Eve, What do you mean you have nothing to wear? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Aladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light! — Red Buttons

The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said Can't work today. Have American flu. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said to his tailor Irving, Forget the slacks - please work on the blazer! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, I will not live in a house with a Little John. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook, For God sakes, don't scratch it! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Making you a pioneer only means one thing. You were around at the time. — Red Buttons

Dean Martin's great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, I see the cotton, but where's the gin? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Uncle Remus, who said to Uncle Ben, You're a credit to your rice. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Long John Silver's wife, Short, who said to John, If the shoe fits ... Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Queen Elizabeth, who said, Not now, I'm on the throne. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Lee Iacocca, who said to Dolly Parton, Why do you need an airbag? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Julius Caesar's wife, who said to Julius, We are not naming our son Sid! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

William Tell's son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, There's gotta be an easier way to kill worms. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Donald Trump's mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber's chair! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

The Invisible Man, who said to his wife, I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., That's funny, to me you only look half Jewish. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

The Puerto Rican doctor, who wrote all his prescriptions with spray paint. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Dolly Parton, who said to her doctor, Are you sure it's a chest cold? Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

John Wilkes Booth, who said, Sorry, I thought he was a critic. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was burning requested Nero to play You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Amelia Earhart, who said, Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage! Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Dinah Shore? Wonderful woman. Dinah formed a foundation to locate missing senior citizens by putting their pictures on prune juice bottles. — Red Buttons

Dean Martin's pancreas, who overheard his liver singing I got a right to sing the blues. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons

Helen of Troy, a hooker from Upstate New York. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons