Ray Romano Quotes & Sayings

I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way. — Ray Romano

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit. — Ray Romano

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters. — Ray Romano

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh. — Ray Romano

When you go to standup, there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid. — Ray Romano

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it. — Ray Romano

I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night. — Ray Romano

I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income. — Ray Romano

I put myself on tape and the cool thing was that Martin Scorsese had never heard of me. He had never seen [Everybody Loves Raymond]. I was just an unknown actor to him. I don't want to sound conceited, like he has to know who I am, but that seemed a little odd. He's a film genius. He doesn't watch sitcoms. — Ray Romano

In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing. — Ray Romano

I had to be naked [in Vinyl], but I was almost more nervous about having to be drunk. The director wasn't going to yell, "Too big!," during the nude scene. For the drunk scene, you can be bad drunk or good drunk. We'll see. My wife was not happy, hearing about it. — Ray Romano

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates. — Ray Romano

I can't complain about my career, that's for sure. — Ray Romano

For a sitcom sex scene, you get in bed and that's the end of the scene. It quick and it was fast, but it was foreign territory for me. Not for Bobby. Bobby Cannavale has been down that road before. With my character, I think it will be a one-and-out. I don't think you'll see my character [in Vinyl] naked again, so relax everybody. — Ray Romano

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child. — Ray Romano

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream. — Ray Romano

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.. — Ray Romano

My wife said to me 'I hope you win ... but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don't think it makes up for never saying it when we're alone. — Ray Romano

If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license. — Ray Romano

I love standup and I haven't given it up. — Ray Romano

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now. — Ray Romano

You might think that's an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne. — Ray Romano

Mick Jagger also a music connoisseur and knows everything about that era. So, you knew the music side was going to be top-notch. It's HBO. On Men of Certain Age, if we wanted a song, it would break the bank. But, Vinyl can go all-out. — Ray Romano

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off. — Ray Romano

My daughter's tricycle said "Some Assembly Required." It came in a jar. — Ray Romano

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. — Ray Romano

If you are someone, you know, with fame, whatever amount, it's good to be married to someone who's not impressed with that at all. — Ray Romano

Failure-it centers me. Too much success has me thinking, All right, what's goin' on? — Ray Romano

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived. — Ray Romano

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing. — Ray Romano

I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you. — Ray Romano

After 'Raymond,' there was this big feeling of, 'What do I do next?' — Ray Romano

My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent. — Ray Romano

I like doing film, you know, single-camera. — Ray Romano

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two. — Ray Romano

I do what I do because I love it. — Ray Romano

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from. — Ray Romano

I'm from New York. — Ray Romano

The fact that they let me in a movie with Gene Hackman has left me with no faith in show buisness. — Ray Romano

I have this mistress: show business. — Ray Romano

My career has been my craziest adventure. — Ray Romano

I was wracked with insecurity. — Ray Romano

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out. — Ray Romano

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience. — Ray Romano

I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm. — Ray Romano

I still do standup. — Ray Romano

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character. — Ray Romano

If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it. — Ray Romano

I wasn't really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I'd see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.. — Ray Romano

You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me. — Ray Romano

Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis. — Ray Romano

Sex after one child shows down. After twins ... ooh ... I'll tell you what it is for us. I'll share it with you. Every three months. We don't plan it that way. That's just how it works out. It's the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it's oral sex, I renew my driver's license. — Ray Romano

Well, I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means. — Ray Romano

I've had people say to me, 'Look at the sky, the fields, the ocean, the beautiful sunset. Isn't that proof positive of God?' Following that line of thought, look at the magnificent rainbows after a big rainstorm. Isn't that proof positive that God is gay? — Ray Romano

If a guy's ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but for lying to himself. As a matter of fact, stop him right in the middle of the story and just hug him. Nine times out of ten he'll just break down and cry. He knows you know. — Ray Romano

I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell. — Ray Romano

I'm aging, and the world is seeing it. — Ray Romano

People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It's not an easy switch. It's not an easy transition from TV to film. — Ray Romano

I lived at home till I was 29. — Ray Romano

I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy. — Ray Romano

You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite. — Ray Romano

I do still get intimidated by certain things. — Ray Romano

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F. — Ray Romano

I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out. — Ray Romano

I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it's enough just to keep yourself alive. — Ray Romano

I was at home waiting for projects. I was on Parenthood and there was one season left, and I was thinking, "What's next?" I'm at this age where I'm trying to write my own script, and they sent this over and I decided to put myself on tape. — Ray Romano

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses. — Ray Romano

I don't get sick. — Ray Romano

Whenever I get down about life going by too quickly, what helps me is a little mantra that I repeat to myself: at least I'm not a fruit fly. — Ray Romano

I live in L.A. Now. — Ray Romano

I just don't want to play the same guy again over and over. — Ray Romano

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology. — Ray Romano

My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked. — Ray Romano

You know, a TV show is a slow build. — Ray Romano

Without identical twins, you'll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother. — Ray Romano

The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out. — Ray Romano

If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again. — Ray Romano

It was very nerve-wracking for me. I had to be drunk and have a threesome. I'm not that guy. Bobby Cannavale is that guy. But it was Vegas and things got crazy, and it happened. We go to Vegas to try to sign Elvis Presley and things get crazy. My character [in Vinyl] is stoned. — Ray Romano

I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people. — Ray Romano

I still got my hair, I'm not fat. — Ray Romano

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life. — Ray Romano

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play. — Ray Romano

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat. — Ray Romano

As an actor, that's nerve-wracking enough [drunk and doing coke] because you have to do it at the right level. — Ray Romano

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life. — Ray Romano

I want to do well and I want to fit in. — Ray Romano

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. — Ray Romano

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something. — Ray Romano

The successful golfers - they're like astronauts or pilots. They have that demeanor that they can focus and stay within that one moment and nothing distracts them. That's not me. — Ray Romano

Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith. — Ray Romano

I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating. — Ray Romano

The only thing I miss from the sitcom format is that immediate gratification of when you're, if we're talking about comedy, of the live audience. — Ray Romano

Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.. — Ray Romano

Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That's how I want to love him - through pictures and folklore. — Ray Romano

The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny. — Ray Romano

I don't know if you want to see the Everybody Loves Raymond guy in a nude scene. — Ray Romano

I'm a little different from the average dude because I'm on high-def TV now. — Ray Romano

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up. — Ray Romano

I had a very Italian house - the "plastic furniture you couldn't sit on" house. Did anybody have the museum house? For a kid it's traumatic. Towels you can never touch. China no one's ever gonna use. Everything is for a special occasion that never happens. My mother was waiting for the Pope to show up for dinner. Or Sinatra. Or Chachi. — Ray Romano

That's the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man. — Ray Romano