Phyllis Diller Quotes & Sayings

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate. — Phyllis Diller

If they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year. — Phyllis Diller

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78! — Phyllis Diller

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE. — Phyllis Diller

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days. — Phyllis Diller

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake. — Phyllis Diller

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane. — Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. — Phyllis Diller

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch." — Phyllis Diller

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me. — Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. — Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. — Phyllis Diller

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth. — Phyllis Diller

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. — Phyllis Diller

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink. — Phyllis Diller

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on. — Phyllis Diller

All mothers are working mothers. — Phyllis Diller

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip. — Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. — Phyllis Diller

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. — Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. — Phyllis Diller

A terrible thing happened to me last night again - nothing. — Phyllis Diller

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door. — Phyllis Diller

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag. — Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. — Phyllis Diller

Comedy is tragedy revisited. — Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. — Phyllis Diller

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. — Phyllis Diller

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. — Phyllis Diller

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs. — Phyllis Diller

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned. — Phyllis Diller

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking. — Phyllis Diller

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. — Phyllis Diller

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy! — Phyllis Diller

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle — Phyllis Diller

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher. — Phyllis Diller

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp? — Phyllis Diller

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows. — Phyllis Diller

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one. — Phyllis Diller

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn. — Phyllis Diller

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. — Phyllis Diller

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe. — Phyllis Diller

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation. — Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. — Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. — Phyllis Diller

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready. — Phyllis Diller

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling. — Phyllis Diller

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his. — Phyllis Diller

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like. — Phyllis Diller

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it. — Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. — Phyllis Diller

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight. — Phyllis Diller

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like. — Phyllis Diller

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. — Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. — Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12. — Phyllis Diller

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves. — Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. — Phyllis Diller

I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard. — Phyllis Diller

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister. — Phyllis Diller

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth. — Phyllis Diller

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. — Phyllis Diller

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch. — Phyllis Diller

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce. — Phyllis Diller

When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home. — Phyllis Diller

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit! — Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! — Phyllis Diller

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down. — Phyllis Diller

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought. — Phyllis Diller

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it. — Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss. — Phyllis Diller

I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power. — Phyllis Diller

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. — Phyllis Diller

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing. — Phyllis Diller

I don't know how you feel about old age ... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear. — Phyllis Diller

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio. — Phyllis Diller

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour. — Phyllis Diller

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid ... — Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. — Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. — Phyllis Diller

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice. — Phyllis Diller

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens. — Phyllis Diller

You want to look younger ... rent smaller children. — Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head. — Phyllis Diller

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have! — Phyllis Diller

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood. — Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. — Phyllis Diller

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows. — Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. — Phyllis Diller

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown. — Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. — Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets things right. — Phyllis Diller

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. — Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all. — Phyllis Diller

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest. — Phyllis Diller