Peter Cook Quotes & Sayings

One of the ways to avoid being beaten by the system is to laugh at it. — Peter Cook

I would like to like to make one thing clear at the very outset and that is, when you speak of a train robbery, this involved no loss of train, merely what I like to call the contents of the train, which were pilfered. We haven't lost a train since 1946, I believe it was - the year of the great snows when we mislaid a small one. — Peter Cook

I may have done some other things as good but I am sure none better. I haven't matured, progressed, grown, become deeper, wiser, or funnier. But then, I never thought I would. (Peter Cook about Beyond the Fringe) — Peter Cook

The garden of Eden was a boggy swamp just south of Croydon. You can see it over there. — Peter Cook

I went to the University of Life and was chucked out. — Peter Cook

The thing that makes you know that Vernon Ward is a good painter is if you look at his ducks, you can see the eyes follow you around the room. — Peter Cook

I am blind
but I am able to read thanks to a wonderful new system known as 'broil' ... I'm sorry, I'll just feel that again. — Peter Cook

I've always wanted to be an expert on tadpoles; I've always fancied being a tadpole expert. It's a wonderful life if you become an experty tadpoleous, as they are known in the trade. You get invited out to all the smart parties and social gatherings. When smart people are making out their lists for the dinner parties, they say, 'Now, who can we have to make up the ten? A tadpole expert would be very nice. He could sit next to Lady Sonia. — Peter Cook

Playing rugby at school I once fell on a loose ball and, through ignorance and fear, held on despite a fierce pummelling. After that it took me months to convince my team-mates I was a coward. — Peter Cook

I am very interested in the Universe - I am specialising in the Universe and all that surrounds it. — Peter Cook

All in all I'd rather have been a judge than a miner. And what's more, being a miner, as soon as you are too old and tired and sick and stupid to do the job properly, you have to go. Well, the very opposite applies with judges. * — Peter Cook

I've always been after the trappings of great luxury. But all I've got hold of are the trappings of great poverty. I've got hold of the wrong load of trappings, and a rotten load they are too, ones I could have very well done without. — Peter Cook

Job was what you'd technically describe as a loony. — Peter Cook

I would much prefer to be a judge than a coal miner because of the absence of falling coal. — Peter Cook

Everything I've ever told you, including this, is a lie. — Peter Cook

1. Total domination of the world by 1958.
2. Domination of the astral spheres quite soon too.
3. The finding of lovely ladies for Spotty Muldoon within the foreseeable future.
4. GETTING A NUCLEAR ARM to deter with.
5. The bodily removal from this planet of C. P. Snow and Alan Freeman and their replacement with fine TREES.
6. Stopping the GOVERNMENT from crawling up our pipes and listening to all we say.
7. Training BEES for uses against foreign powers, and so on.
8. Elimination of spindly insects and encouragement of lovely little newts who dance about and are happy.
9. E. L. Wisty for GOD. — Peter Cook

As I looked out into the night sky, across all those infinite stars, it made me realize how insignificant they are. — Peter Cook

Now I tell you the downside of this is you feel awful, but the upside is you feel terrific. — Peter Cook

I didn't know dirty words could be done that artfully. — Peter Cook

We exchanged many frank words in our respective languages. — Peter Cook

All right, You Great Git, You've asked for it. I'll cover the world in Tastee-Freez and Wimpy Burgers. I'll fill it with concrete runways, motorways, aircraft, television, automobiles, advertising, plastic flowers, frozen food and supersonic bangs. I'll make it so noisy and disgusting that even You'll be ashamed of Yourself! No wonder You've so few friends. You're unbelievable! — Peter Cook

Life is a matter of passing the time enjoyably. There may be other things in life, but I've been too busy passing my time enjoyably to think very deeply about them. — Peter Cook

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly — Peter Cook

You realize that suicide's a criminal offense - In less enlightened times they'd have hung you for it. — Peter Cook

I saw an advertisement the other day for the secret of life. It said 'The secret of life can be yours for twenty-five shillings. Sent to Secret of Life Institute, Willesden.' So I wrote away, seemed a good bargain, secret of life, twenty-five shillings. And I got a letter back saying, 'If you think you can get the secret of life for twenty-five shillings, you don't deserve to have it. Send fifty shillings for the secret of life. — Peter Cook

If there's one thing I can't bear, it's when hundreds of old men come creeping in through the window in the middle of the night and throw all manner of garbage over me. I can't bear that. — Peter Cook

I met a man at a party. He said "I'm writing a novel" I said "Oh really? Neither am I. — Peter Cook

I've had some wonderful ideas for getting the dominating going. I've got some extremely subtle advertising slogans that should get the public behind us. Things like "Vote for EL Wisty and lovely nude ladies will come and dance with you." It's a complete lie, of course, but you can't afford to be too scrupulous if you're going to dominate the world. — Peter Cook